WOW its been a while since i last posted anything! Just a bit of warning this post is going to be a bit all over the place!
First i want to wish everyone a very merry Christmas ( i know i am a bit late... but better late then ever right?) i hope everyone found a little bit of joy and peace. And i hope everyone has a happy and safe new year too.
I know i certainly wish that next year will be a much happier one then the last 2 have been. I still find it hard to believe that it has nearly been two full years since Eli and Jett were born... sometimes the pain still feels so raw like it was only yesterday and my arms still ache to hold them. Lately i have bee wondering what they would look like at 2 years old...would they look identical? i don't really think they would. When they were born they didn't really look anything like each other and if i didn't know better i would have thought that they were fraternal twins instead of identical. But i still think sometimes that maybe as they got older they would have started to look more alike. I know for sure that they definitely wouldn't have had similar personalities! How i wish that i could be snuggling up with my little sweetheart Eli ( who always wanted to be cuddled up close to me when he was in my belly) and being drive crazy by Jett who would be the mischief maker just like me ( who instead of laying next to Eli always had to be different and lay on top of him while kicking Eli in the head! lol ). I'm sure if they were here there would never be a dull moment... instead i sit at home in the quiet by myself watching movies sleeping in till the afternoon and reading books all day.
It is less then two weeks until their birthday and i have absolutely no idea what i am going to do for it. I might make a cake and Lani can blow out the candles for them, i might even have a BBQ. All i do know is i am going to take a little time out for myself and be with them. Last year i went to the movies by myself which was nice so i might even do that again this year. What have you done for your babies birthdays/ anniversaries? or what are you planning to do?
At the moment i am away at my mums place. I came up here for Christmas this year. I was meant to go home today but we have had record breaking floods so for now we are all stuck here. I am hoping to make it home on Monday if the water levels go down by then and they open up the roads. We are actually quite lucky where we are because my mums property up up higher so the water isn't flooding her house but some people around her have lakes instead of paddocks. A few of mums friends have been completely flooded out and have been stranded with no power now for 5 days and no way for anyone to get in or out of their property. The town has completely run out of bread and milk and nearly run out of beer! there wont be too many happy people here when that happens.
Because of the amount of rain we haven't had a chance to do much in the boys memorial garden and we haven't been able to put the ashes in there either. We didn't want to do it until it dries up a bit to make sure that they don't just get washed away, so my mum will just have to do it by herself after i leave ( if i leave )
I am planning on doing a couple giveaways on here sometime in January for Eli and Jett's birthday but that wont probably happen until a bit later in the month so look out for that.
Congratulations if you have gotten this far i hope some of it made some sense :P
When i get home i will upload some photos.
p.s I would really like to be able to do something nice for all of you if you comment alot or if you are just a reader it doesn't matter. It may just be a Christmas card or birthday card for your babies or little gifts every now and then. So if you would like to can you please email me rikkidonkin(at)gmail(dot)com or leave a comment with your name, mailing address, baby/ babies names and birth dates so i can add them to my calendar. Thank you :)
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Signs, signs and more signs!
I absolutely love getting little signs from my boys. They don't happen that often but when they do they are very obvious. so i will start from the beginning
I am going to visit my mum for christmas this year. this will only be the second time that i have been to see her since i was about 17. She has struggled with losing her grandsons, she finds it really hard not having anything of theirs to remember them by. I have their ash's and all their clothes and things and all she has is a few photos so she decided to make a garden for them a very large garden that is, most likely knowing her, larger then my entire backyard. I cant wait to see their garden. Doing it has helped her to be able to do something for them and also made a place for her to be able to go and feel like they are all around her. I have noticed a huge change in her lately. she seems happier? anyway back to the story, i had been thinking about taking a small portion of Eli and Jett's ash's with me to put in their garden, i thought that would help her even more actually having part of them in her garden. I have been going back and forth with it all week. so last night i just decided to ask the boys to let me know if that's what they wanted me to do and to show me a sign for yes and if i didn't get anything then i wouldn't do it.
I called my mum on the way to work today and she told me that she had seen the boys. I started thinking maybe she was losing it until she told me that she seen 2 black and blue butterflies flying side by side nd they circled the boys garden and then went into it and hung out around the flowers but they never left each others sides the entire time they were there. That's when i knew that they were giving me a clear YES. I then told her my idea and she was so happy. for christmas the family is all going to go and each pick a plant and plant them with their ash's. I then got to the creche that i was working at for a few hours and the owner had bought in a few new toys. The toys she had were the same as what my mum had bought for Eli and Jett, and an elephant and giraffe toy and that was all. OK boys i get it you want me to take some of your ash's to nannas house!
I then get to my other work and see a lady carrying around a stuffed elephant toy and less then 5 minutes later another lady wearing a shirt with an elephant on it. Hmm do you think they are trying to tell me something???
So now i have to part with a small part of my boys. I didn't think how hard it was going to be for me to part with them but I'm sure it will be wort it to see my mum smile.
For some reason i feel very protective over her. I have always felt like i had to protect her and i still do. My heart broke for my mum when i had to ring her and tell her that both of her grandsons had died. I think it didn't really hit me till later on i was just so worried for her, i felt like i failed her. Hearing her on the phone just screaming was the worst thing i have ever heard in my life. I'm sure to anyone listening from the street it would have sounded like she had just cut off her leg, but i guess in a way that's kind of what happened. part of her had been amputated and she like us all will always be missing something that most people just take for granted.
All those signs might just seem like i am looking for something to explain it. sometimes i think that to myself. I am just trying to find a sign from them but in my heart i know that my boys are around and i asked and they gave me an answer. Even if its not them it still makes me happy.
On another note t is now past midnight here which makes it the 10th. which makes it 22 months since they were born. only 2 months till their 2nd birthday. this year has gone so fast. it feels like it has only just been their 1st birthday. I don't know how i have manages to go nearly 2 years without my babies. I miss my boys.
OK enough rambling for me hope this post has made a little bit of sense. I'm going to bed, that is if i can sleep. Xxx
I am going to visit my mum for christmas this year. this will only be the second time that i have been to see her since i was about 17. She has struggled with losing her grandsons, she finds it really hard not having anything of theirs to remember them by. I have their ash's and all their clothes and things and all she has is a few photos so she decided to make a garden for them a very large garden that is, most likely knowing her, larger then my entire backyard. I cant wait to see their garden. Doing it has helped her to be able to do something for them and also made a place for her to be able to go and feel like they are all around her. I have noticed a huge change in her lately. she seems happier? anyway back to the story, i had been thinking about taking a small portion of Eli and Jett's ash's with me to put in their garden, i thought that would help her even more actually having part of them in her garden. I have been going back and forth with it all week. so last night i just decided to ask the boys to let me know if that's what they wanted me to do and to show me a sign for yes and if i didn't get anything then i wouldn't do it.
I called my mum on the way to work today and she told me that she had seen the boys. I started thinking maybe she was losing it until she told me that she seen 2 black and blue butterflies flying side by side nd they circled the boys garden and then went into it and hung out around the flowers but they never left each others sides the entire time they were there. That's when i knew that they were giving me a clear YES. I then told her my idea and she was so happy. for christmas the family is all going to go and each pick a plant and plant them with their ash's. I then got to the creche that i was working at for a few hours and the owner had bought in a few new toys. The toys she had were the same as what my mum had bought for Eli and Jett, and an elephant and giraffe toy and that was all. OK boys i get it you want me to take some of your ash's to nannas house!
I then get to my other work and see a lady carrying around a stuffed elephant toy and less then 5 minutes later another lady wearing a shirt with an elephant on it. Hmm do you think they are trying to tell me something???
So now i have to part with a small part of my boys. I didn't think how hard it was going to be for me to part with them but I'm sure it will be wort it to see my mum smile.
For some reason i feel very protective over her. I have always felt like i had to protect her and i still do. My heart broke for my mum when i had to ring her and tell her that both of her grandsons had died. I think it didn't really hit me till later on i was just so worried for her, i felt like i failed her. Hearing her on the phone just screaming was the worst thing i have ever heard in my life. I'm sure to anyone listening from the street it would have sounded like she had just cut off her leg, but i guess in a way that's kind of what happened. part of her had been amputated and she like us all will always be missing something that most people just take for granted.
All those signs might just seem like i am looking for something to explain it. sometimes i think that to myself. I am just trying to find a sign from them but in my heart i know that my boys are around and i asked and they gave me an answer. Even if its not them it still makes me happy.
On another note t is now past midnight here which makes it the 10th. which makes it 22 months since they were born. only 2 months till their 2nd birthday. this year has gone so fast. it feels like it has only just been their 1st birthday. I don't know how i have manages to go nearly 2 years without my babies. I miss my boys.
OK enough rambling for me hope this post has made a little bit of sense. I'm going to bed, that is if i can sleep. Xxx
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Sunday, August 8, 2010
Just popped in quickly to let you all know i am still here. Dont have the internet yet but i am going crazy without it so i am going to try and get it soon. I have been reading all of your blogs when ever i get the chance but that isnt very often so if i have missed something i appoligise. I wanted to say congratulations to everyone who is expecting their rainbow babies. I really am happy for you all.
Living on my own really has made me paranoid. I am so scared that something is going to happen when i am not home like something is going to catch fire and im not going to be there to put it out and i ma going to lose everything of eli and jett's or that someone is going to break into my house and steal all their stuff even though i dont know why they would go for that stuff when there is a tv laptop and all that kinda stuff just sitting there. I turn all the powerpoints off before i go to bed and before i leave to work i check and re check that all the doors and windows are locked i have losked my gate, i dont really know why as you can just step over it but it still could be a deterant couldnt it? then i worry about the nexdoor neighbour whos unit is connected to mine by a wall and i worry that she is going to leave the oven on or something like that and i a still going to lose everything. i dont care about anything in my house except the few things i have left to remember them by. I have all of their belongings packed into a suitcase still. That is the only things that i havent unpacked you know just incase something happens and i need to get out quickly it is there waiting for me.
I think maybe i should get a safe and put their things in there but then what if something happens and i cant get the safe open. Maybe i could leave their things at my sisters house but her house could still get broken into or burned down or one of the kids could accidentally spill something on it or could decide that they want to play with something. i wish that i could just take all of their things everywhere i went. I think it would really help my sanity. Really all this worrying is driving me crazy. I have no idea what to do.
I am quite enjoying working except for some stupid comments that people have made. i have told 2 people there about the boys the first lady casually said 'oh yeah' and the second said 'well this is awkward' Really? thats all you can say after i tell you that my two baby boys died. i spose there is worse things they could have said but the 2 people that i open up to both say something stupid. see thats why i keep everything to myself and dont like meeting new people or opening up to anyone.
I overheard one of the guys at work talking to one of the ladies there and she asked him if he was an only child and he said that he wasnt but his sister died shortly after birth and then went on to talk about his sister and his mother and how strong she was to deal with all of that. It brought tears to my eyes hearing him talking about his little sister. it made me feel like running up o them and saying i knew how his mother felt that i had lost my babies too. i so badly wanted to talk about my boys but those two people that had stupid things to say has made me re think telling anyone about them. I hate that because of 2 peoples thoughtless comments i have to in a way be punished. Lifes not fair but we already know that.
Moving on. Iwent to the doctors the other day and he has refered me for ultrasounds. He thinks i may have endemetreosis (sorry have no idea how to spell it). I have quite a large family history of it and my sister just had an opperation to get it removed. I have been in a hell of alot of pain lately. I am hoping that i dont have this. If i do it will mean i will have trouble in the future getting pregnant and staying pregnant. i didnt realise how much i wanted more babies until i hear that it might be extreemly hard to have them. I really want to be able to hold another one of my babies in my arms. I want to give Eli and Jett a brother or sister one day. Not any time soon but one day i do.
So thats how my life has been in the last few weeks. Hopefully next time you hear from me it wont be all doom and gloom.
Living on my own really has made me paranoid. I am so scared that something is going to happen when i am not home like something is going to catch fire and im not going to be there to put it out and i ma going to lose everything of eli and jett's or that someone is going to break into my house and steal all their stuff even though i dont know why they would go for that stuff when there is a tv laptop and all that kinda stuff just sitting there. I turn all the powerpoints off before i go to bed and before i leave to work i check and re check that all the doors and windows are locked i have losked my gate, i dont really know why as you can just step over it but it still could be a deterant couldnt it? then i worry about the nexdoor neighbour whos unit is connected to mine by a wall and i worry that she is going to leave the oven on or something like that and i a still going to lose everything. i dont care about anything in my house except the few things i have left to remember them by. I have all of their belongings packed into a suitcase still. That is the only things that i havent unpacked you know just incase something happens and i need to get out quickly it is there waiting for me.
I think maybe i should get a safe and put their things in there but then what if something happens and i cant get the safe open. Maybe i could leave their things at my sisters house but her house could still get broken into or burned down or one of the kids could accidentally spill something on it or could decide that they want to play with something. i wish that i could just take all of their things everywhere i went. I think it would really help my sanity. Really all this worrying is driving me crazy. I have no idea what to do.
I am quite enjoying working except for some stupid comments that people have made. i have told 2 people there about the boys the first lady casually said 'oh yeah' and the second said 'well this is awkward' Really? thats all you can say after i tell you that my two baby boys died. i spose there is worse things they could have said but the 2 people that i open up to both say something stupid. see thats why i keep everything to myself and dont like meeting new people or opening up to anyone.
I overheard one of the guys at work talking to one of the ladies there and she asked him if he was an only child and he said that he wasnt but his sister died shortly after birth and then went on to talk about his sister and his mother and how strong she was to deal with all of that. It brought tears to my eyes hearing him talking about his little sister. it made me feel like running up o them and saying i knew how his mother felt that i had lost my babies too. i so badly wanted to talk about my boys but those two people that had stupid things to say has made me re think telling anyone about them. I hate that because of 2 peoples thoughtless comments i have to in a way be punished. Lifes not fair but we already know that.
Moving on. Iwent to the doctors the other day and he has refered me for ultrasounds. He thinks i may have endemetreosis (sorry have no idea how to spell it). I have quite a large family history of it and my sister just had an opperation to get it removed. I have been in a hell of alot of pain lately. I am hoping that i dont have this. If i do it will mean i will have trouble in the future getting pregnant and staying pregnant. i didnt realise how much i wanted more babies until i hear that it might be extreemly hard to have them. I really want to be able to hold another one of my babies in my arms. I want to give Eli and Jett a brother or sister one day. Not any time soon but one day i do.
So thats how my life has been in the last few weeks. Hopefully next time you hear from me it wont be all doom and gloom.
Saturday, July 10, 2010
So my life has been a bit full on lately whick you have heard about in my last post so i havent has much time to come on here and read blogs. Im sure i have been missing some of them so if i have missed anything important i am sorry. I am trying to get on as much as possible but it has been quite difficult. It is going to be even harder from now on because i am not going to have the internet anymore :( but for a very good reason. I am MOVING OUT!! Tomorrow i am moving into a little unit on my own. I am so excited. It has been over 2 years since i have lived on my own and i cant wait to have my own space again. I am the type of person who loves to live alone. I think this is going to be really good for me, getting back to 'normal', working, living in my own place. the down side to this is not getting to see my niece as much nd not having the internet. i never used to use the computer and the internet at all before i lost the boys but then when i lost them i couldnt sleep so one night i decided to look up everything i could find on stillbirth and try to find reasons for why it happened and after that night i was hooked to the net. I found this blogging community and i really thing tht it was this blog and all of your blogs that got me through the first few lonely months. So having to be without it is going to be difficult.
I am going to appologise in advance if i miss anything or any birthdays/aniversaries. I am always thinking about all of you and your babies and i am going to try and keep up with everything.
Well enough blabbering on from me for now. I have to go and pack all of my things, i have had a week to pack and have left all of the packing for the night before.
Xxx
I am going to appologise in advance if i miss anything or any birthdays/aniversaries. I am always thinking about all of you and your babies and i am going to try and keep up with everything.
Well enough blabbering on from me for now. I have to go and pack all of my things, i have had a week to pack and have left all of the packing for the night before.
Xxx
Sunday, June 6, 2010
Me and my CRAZY house
Sorry i haven't been around in a while, my life has been a little crazy lately. I haven't been able to get on the computer much as my other sister and her husband and son are now living with us too until they find their own house so our house is extremely full. There is 2 kids, 5 adults, 2 cats, a dog and 2 birds all in our 3 bedroom house! So when i do get onto the computer my time is filled with reading every ones blogs and checking face.book. So i am sorry that i haven't been commenting on your blogs much too.
I have also started working again.I am really liking being out of the house and doing something i think it was just what i needed plus the money is always nice :) I am just working at a pie shop but it is something. And it is always really busy so it doesn't really give me much time to think which is a real plus and then when i get home i am too tired to think.
Being out of the house working has been really good because of my other sister that has moved here. We DO NOT get along at all. Before she got here we hadnt spoken in about 7 years i think, since i was about 15. We are 2 very different people, she pisses me off so bad and is driving me absolutely CRAZY, so i am really not liking her being here at all. With such a small house there isn't really many places that i can go to be away from her, so when I'm not at work i am being a hermit in my room. At least i am getting trough all of my unread books which means that i can justify getting more YAY! I was hoping that she would have grown up a bit by now but she hasn't.
My friend who had the baby shower a few weeks ago had her baby, a girl last week. I am going to see them and meet her little girl on Wednesday. I am a little anxious. I haven't held such a new baby since the boys but i think it will be a little easier that she is a girl and not a boy. I just hope i don't start crying. But if i do i know that my friend will understand.
I was was flicking through the channels on the TV the other night and stopped on one of the channels and there was a show on that i used to watch a few years ago. I had completely forgot about it and what it was about. So i was listening to what they were saying. It seemed like such a harmless conversation. The man said to the lady ' how was Italy?' then the lady said ' it was great! No one knew me as the lady who's child died' My heart sank, then she went on to say ' but it was also really bad because no one knew my child just died, no one knew my daughter'
I understand exactly how she was feeling. I feel like that every day of my life. There is only a handful of people where i live that know about my boys. I really like it at work that none of them know but at the same time i sometimes wish that they did.
Well this post has been kind of all over the place. I feel like i have so much more to say but right now i cant think of any of it. So i will just leave it for another day.
Xxx
I have also started working again.I am really liking being out of the house and doing something i think it was just what i needed plus the money is always nice :) I am just working at a pie shop but it is something. And it is always really busy so it doesn't really give me much time to think which is a real plus and then when i get home i am too tired to think.
Being out of the house working has been really good because of my other sister that has moved here. We DO NOT get along at all. Before she got here we hadnt spoken in about 7 years i think, since i was about 15. We are 2 very different people, she pisses me off so bad and is driving me absolutely CRAZY, so i am really not liking her being here at all. With such a small house there isn't really many places that i can go to be away from her, so when I'm not at work i am being a hermit in my room. At least i am getting trough all of my unread books which means that i can justify getting more YAY! I was hoping that she would have grown up a bit by now but she hasn't.
My friend who had the baby shower a few weeks ago had her baby, a girl last week. I am going to see them and meet her little girl on Wednesday. I am a little anxious. I haven't held such a new baby since the boys but i think it will be a little easier that she is a girl and not a boy. I just hope i don't start crying. But if i do i know that my friend will understand.
I was was flicking through the channels on the TV the other night and stopped on one of the channels and there was a show on that i used to watch a few years ago. I had completely forgot about it and what it was about. So i was listening to what they were saying. It seemed like such a harmless conversation. The man said to the lady ' how was Italy?' then the lady said ' it was great! No one knew me as the lady who's child died' My heart sank, then she went on to say ' but it was also really bad because no one knew my child just died, no one knew my daughter'
I understand exactly how she was feeling. I feel like that every day of my life. There is only a handful of people where i live that know about my boys. I really like it at work that none of them know but at the same time i sometimes wish that they did.
Well this post has been kind of all over the place. I feel like i have so much more to say but right now i cant think of any of it. So i will just leave it for another day.
Xxx
Sunday, April 11, 2010
my first baby shower and a sign
I went to my first baby shower since the boys were born today. I was so nervous, i didn't know anyone else there so i was a bit worried about that too because i am not real good around strangers, put that on top of being around a heap of ladies talking about babies and birth stories and i was freaking out. But i made it and it wasn't that bad. My friend's friends were all really nice. A few of them knew about my boys so i think they knew not to say something stupid, and i was even included in some of the pregnancy conversations and they didn't act freaked out or uncomfortable or anything which was really nice because usually most people steer clear of the topic.
I also went to the zoo yesterday. I love the zoo. I will have to post some of the pictures soon. Of course all i really wanted to see was the elephants and the giraffes. They were so beautiful. I haven't seen giraffes in person before so that was the highlight of my day. The boys also sent me a sign that they were around too which was amazing. We went into the butterfly house and there was thousands of butterflies flying around we were in there for a while and i was trying to get the butterflies to land on me but none of them would no matter how still i stayed. This may sound crazy but i said to Eli and Jett to make a butterfly land on my head if they were with me and just seconds later a bright orange butterfly landed right on my head stayed for a few seconds, i said thank you to the boys and then it flew away. Orange is my favourite colour. It was so nice knowing that they were there.
I also went to the zoo yesterday. I love the zoo. I will have to post some of the pictures soon. Of course all i really wanted to see was the elephants and the giraffes. They were so beautiful. I haven't seen giraffes in person before so that was the highlight of my day. The boys also sent me a sign that they were around too which was amazing. We went into the butterfly house and there was thousands of butterflies flying around we were in there for a while and i was trying to get the butterflies to land on me but none of them would no matter how still i stayed. This may sound crazy but i said to Eli and Jett to make a butterfly land on my head if they were with me and just seconds later a bright orange butterfly landed right on my head stayed for a few seconds, i said thank you to the boys and then it flew away. Orange is my favourite colour. It was so nice knowing that they were there.
Saturday, April 10, 2010
Just a reminder to everyone to go over and vote everyday for project sweet peas so that they can continue to help babies in the NICU. They are currently in 17th place and they need to get into the top 10 to receive a $25,000 grant. After you have voted head over to Megans blog MJ'S Memories and leave a comment for a chance to win one of her beautiful awarness braclets. So please VOTE!!!
Friday, April 9, 2010
Weird Dream
I have always had really weird dreams but not many of them really stick with me. Well last night i had the weirdest dream and it had been bugging me all day for some reason. I dreamt that i found out that i was pregnant again, i was so happy and excited to be able to give Eli and Jett a little brother or sister. So i went in for an ultrasound. I told the lady that i was really nervous because my twins were stillborn. So she said that she would have a better look at the baby. I think i was about 15 weeks pregnant in the dream. Anyway she then pulls the baby out of my belly and hands it to me. It was a little girl and she was so tiny and wriggling around in my hand. I was so shocked that she had taken her out and i was begging the lady to put her back in my tummy where she belonged, and i was saying to the lady that she was in pain but she wouldn't listen to me she said that she would be fine and for me to just wrap her in a blanket. I was just laying there trying to comfort this tiny little baby that was smaller then my hand and reassuring her that everything would be OK. Then sent me home with the little baby and i was walking around the streets with her and people wanted to see her and i wouldn't let anyone see her. There was more to the dream but i cant really remember much more of it. I woke up and i was looking around my bed for the little baby and then i woke up properly and realised that i had just been dreaming. I have no idea what the dream meant but i cant seem to get it out of my head.
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Some more beautiful pictures
Thankyou so much to Jill at Vermont Angels For writing Eli and Jetts name in Vermont. They are beautiful.
Michelle from Missing Juanito Wrote my boys names for Easter with a little chick. The chick is so cute! Thankyou so much Michelle it was so nice seeing this.
Laura from Angel Baby Names Made this beautiful picture for me. Thankyou so much Laura you are amazing :)
Telisha made me this beautiful picture for Eli and Jett for Easter. Getting this picture brightened my day made the easter weekend a bit more bearable. Thankyou so much Telisha.
Michelle from Missing Juanito Wrote my boys names for Easter with a little chick. The chick is so cute! Thankyou so much Michelle it was so nice seeing this.
Laura from Angel Baby Names Made this beautiful picture for me. Thankyou so much Laura you are amazing :)
Telisha made me this beautiful picture for Eli and Jett for Easter. Getting this picture brightened my day made the easter weekend a bit more bearable. Thankyou so much Telisha.
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
When i was pregnant with the boys i used to hate it that people would look at me and i could see them judging me. I am pretty sure i knew what they were thinking. They were thinking that i was just another immature single 19 year old pregnant girl. I hated it, I hated that they could judge me without knowing me, I gave everything up for my babies, but they didn't see that all they seen was a teenager. Now i would give anything for people to see me that way.
I have realised that i am guilty of thinking like that all the time. I see a teenage pregnant girl and think the same thing that everyone thought of me. I just cant help it, i hate that 'most' of them don't appreciate what they have. Sometimes i think that i should have been upset about being pregnant and angry at my babies for ruining my life and then maybe i would still have them, but the truth is i could never be angry at them and the only made my life better.
I am so mad at myself for thinking that things like this didn't happen to young people, that things only went wrong for older people. How wrong was I.
I have realised that i am guilty of thinking like that all the time. I see a teenage pregnant girl and think the same thing that everyone thought of me. I just cant help it, i hate that 'most' of them don't appreciate what they have. Sometimes i think that i should have been upset about being pregnant and angry at my babies for ruining my life and then maybe i would still have them, but the truth is i could never be angry at them and the only made my life better.
I am so mad at myself for thinking that things like this didn't happen to young people, that things only went wrong for older people. How wrong was I.
Sunday, April 4, 2010
HAPPY EASTER........
Eli and Jett! I know that you would have been spoilt today and i am pretty sure that you both would have loved chocolate seeing as i don't like chocolate and i craved it the entire time i was pregnant with yous. I can imagine you both right now completely chocolate covered with all of your angel friends having so much fun, but i am selfish and i wish that you were here, all chocolate covered and celebrating Easter with me. I bought a few things over the weekend that remind me of you, a elephant and a giraffe key rings and a few other bits and pieces, i figure if i cant buy things for you then i might as well buy things for me that remind me of you.
I hope that today has been special for you both. Mummy loves you both SO much. XOXOXOXO
Happy Easter to you all and to your families and angels. I hope the Easter bunny stepped in today and took care of all of our babies today. I hope that today is gentle on you.
I have to get going so i can get ready for the big night parade tonight, It is amazing with fire crackers and the Chinese lions and dragons and then after the parade they let off a huge fireworks display. I swear this town will use anything as an excuse to let them things off, but hey I'm not going to complain, i love fireworks.
I hope that today has been special for you both. Mummy loves you both SO much. XOXOXOXO
Happy Easter to you all and to your families and angels. I hope the Easter bunny stepped in today and took care of all of our babies today. I hope that today is gentle on you.
I have to get going so i can get ready for the big night parade tonight, It is amazing with fire crackers and the Chinese lions and dragons and then after the parade they let off a huge fireworks display. I swear this town will use anything as an excuse to let them things off, but hey I'm not going to complain, i love fireworks.
Saturday, April 3, 2010
Please Go And Vote
For Project Sweet Peas so that they can win $25 000 to help families that have a baby in the ICU by providing care packages. You can vote once a day with each email address you have. To vote click HERE, and to find out more info on Project Sweet Peas go and visit Megans blog MJ's Memories. Thank you all so much. Xxx
Friday, April 2, 2010
Their Names
Thank you to Mandi at Written In The Stars for writing my boys names for me. I dont really believe in heaven so i have always said that they went up to the stars.
Thankyou to Jaime at Indelible Ice Images for Etching Eli and Jetts names into the ice. Jaime writes the names on a ice road in Canada. I love how she wrote there names together.
Laura at Angel Baby Names for making this for me. Laura does an amazing job looking up the meanings for the names. Thankyou Laura
This was written for me over at Names On The Sidewalk. Thankyou Tiffany.
I absolutly love all of these pictures and i love seing there name written all over the world. It is really nice to know that they will be remembered by more people then just me.
Thankyou from the bottom of my heart to everyone that has written my boys names for me.
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Answers
I am sorry that i havent done this post yet, i was planing on doing it a few days ago but i have been having internet troubles but hopefuly they are all fixed now.
So here are the answers to all of the questions that you asked-
My question for you: Being a mum of twins who died, would you like twins again?
I loved being pregnant with my girls and couldn't wait to be pushing their pram down the street and having people ask me about having two, and I would love to have twins again, but my doc has advised against it :( I just want the world to know I am a mother of multiples! What are your thoughts?
At this point i cant imagine me ever having anymore babies. I am terrified that if i did decide to get pregnant again that i would lose them too, even though i was told that there was no chance of the same thing happening again, knowing my bad luck it would or there would be something else that would happen.
I have always wanted to be a mum and have lots of kids, and i still do but like i said i am terrified. But if i did some time decide to try again i would definantly love to have twins. I am so proud to be a mum of twins and i wish that other people could see that too. So if there was an option i would definantly choose twins. I think only having one baby growing inside me would be of course amazing but also very weird. All i have ever known is twins that is my normal.
This may be too personal, please don't be offended that I ask, and feel no need to answer. Was Eli and Jett's father ever involved, or want to be involved? The only reason I ask is because I have so much admiration for single mothers, even more so for you because you had twins. I know how my husband has dealt with losing a son, and men for some reason are sometimes mystical with their emotions. Just wondering how their father is dealing with losing them, if at all.
I am not offended at all. I have been asked this question many times before and i usually give different answers to everyone that askes. The reason for that is because many people judged me for my decisions that i made. I am going to give the real answer here, I feel like i should be able to tell the truth here and if anyone doesnt like my answers then i am not forcing them to read.
I was never really with their father. We were 'seing' each other for a few months but it wasnt anything serious. He had mentioned to me once that if something happened not to come to him, So when i found out i was pregnant i had mixed amotions about what to do. I decided that it would be best for everyone for me not to tell him that i was pregnant, i was planning on letting him know after i had moved away. I didnt think that it was fair on him to dump it on him and for him to support them when he didnt want them in the first place, they were my responsibility not his. I was also so scared to tell him because i was scared of what he might do. I am pretty sure that he know i was pregnant, he seen me a few times before i left and i was definantly showing. I lost his number so i hadnt told him. About a month after the boys died my friend seen him and told him what had happened. She said that he was confused why i didnt tell him and she explained the reasons why and he said he understood. She told me that he seemed sad that he had just found out that he had 2 sons and also found out that they had died but i didnt hear much else. I was hoping that i would see him when i went back there for my holiday before christmas but i didnt see him which was pretty disapointing. I really wanted to talk to him about it.
I was happy with being a single mum. I knew it was going to be hard and was as prepared for the tough times as you can be because i knew that my boys would be worth it. I definantly wasnt prepared for losing them but i still think that the pain was worth it, they are worth it.
My question is this, how did you come up with the names for your babies? I love hearing how people came up with names for their babies! :)
I have always loved the name Eli since i was a kid. I had always said that my first boy would be called Eli. I decided to call him Elijah and shorten it to Eli so that he had options. Elis middle name is Leevi, my middle name is my grandmothers name and my sisters also have their grandmothers najmes for their middle names too so i wanted to continue that too. I am lucky that my mums name is Lee so i didnt have to give them girls names. So i picked names that had the Lee sound and changed the spelling of it. I didnt want just Lee for both of them partly because i didnt want Jett to be Jet Lee for obvious reasons lol, and partly because i wanted them to be individuals. I dont really know why i picked Jett's name. I was looking through a baby names book before i found out i was having twins and the only boys names that i liked were Eli and Jett. As soon as i seen it i fell in love with it i knew then that it was his name.
How far along were you when you first found out your were having twins?
What was your first reaction?
I found out i was having twins at my first ultrasound at 7 weeks. I was terrified because the man doing the ultrasound was taking alot of time and was looking a bit worried. He turned to me and Said 'are you ready for this' i nearly burst into tears thinking that he was going to say that he couldnt find the heart beat ( i had a crazy, well not so crazy now, thought that something terrible was going to happen) then he said 'you are having twins' I actually laughed at him. I was already out growing my pants and my friends had all been joking the noght before that i was having twins so i thought that somehow they had made him tell me that as a joke. The first thing i said was your joking arent you? and he said no and showed me their tiny little hearts beating away. I wansnt scared at all, actually the complete opposite, you couldnt wipe the smile off my face. I was a little shocked because i had just found out that i was pregnant less then a week before and then i find out that i am having 2 babies it was alot in a very short time but i was so excited to be having twins. I had always said that i wanted twins and my wish came true.
How are things going at your sister's house? Is it getting any better with her husband??
Everything is going ok at the moment. We have our moments, i hate being here and wish i could have my own place but it is ok if i stay away from him and he stays away from me. Can i just say i love nightshift lol.
Thankyou all for asking me these questions, i had so much fun answering them. It was a good change of pace for me.
I am always happy to answer any questions that you have so if you ever want to know somthing feel free to ask :)
So here are the answers to all of the questions that you asked-
My question for you: Being a mum of twins who died, would you like twins again?
I loved being pregnant with my girls and couldn't wait to be pushing their pram down the street and having people ask me about having two, and I would love to have twins again, but my doc has advised against it :( I just want the world to know I am a mother of multiples! What are your thoughts?
At this point i cant imagine me ever having anymore babies. I am terrified that if i did decide to get pregnant again that i would lose them too, even though i was told that there was no chance of the same thing happening again, knowing my bad luck it would or there would be something else that would happen.
I have always wanted to be a mum and have lots of kids, and i still do but like i said i am terrified. But if i did some time decide to try again i would definantly love to have twins. I am so proud to be a mum of twins and i wish that other people could see that too. So if there was an option i would definantly choose twins. I think only having one baby growing inside me would be of course amazing but also very weird. All i have ever known is twins that is my normal.
This may be too personal, please don't be offended that I ask, and feel no need to answer. Was Eli and Jett's father ever involved, or want to be involved? The only reason I ask is because I have so much admiration for single mothers, even more so for you because you had twins. I know how my husband has dealt with losing a son, and men for some reason are sometimes mystical with their emotions. Just wondering how their father is dealing with losing them, if at all.
I am not offended at all. I have been asked this question many times before and i usually give different answers to everyone that askes. The reason for that is because many people judged me for my decisions that i made. I am going to give the real answer here, I feel like i should be able to tell the truth here and if anyone doesnt like my answers then i am not forcing them to read.
I was never really with their father. We were 'seing' each other for a few months but it wasnt anything serious. He had mentioned to me once that if something happened not to come to him, So when i found out i was pregnant i had mixed amotions about what to do. I decided that it would be best for everyone for me not to tell him that i was pregnant, i was planning on letting him know after i had moved away. I didnt think that it was fair on him to dump it on him and for him to support them when he didnt want them in the first place, they were my responsibility not his. I was also so scared to tell him because i was scared of what he might do. I am pretty sure that he know i was pregnant, he seen me a few times before i left and i was definantly showing. I lost his number so i hadnt told him. About a month after the boys died my friend seen him and told him what had happened. She said that he was confused why i didnt tell him and she explained the reasons why and he said he understood. She told me that he seemed sad that he had just found out that he had 2 sons and also found out that they had died but i didnt hear much else. I was hoping that i would see him when i went back there for my holiday before christmas but i didnt see him which was pretty disapointing. I really wanted to talk to him about it.
I was happy with being a single mum. I knew it was going to be hard and was as prepared for the tough times as you can be because i knew that my boys would be worth it. I definantly wasnt prepared for losing them but i still think that the pain was worth it, they are worth it.
My question is this, how did you come up with the names for your babies? I love hearing how people came up with names for their babies! :)
I have always loved the name Eli since i was a kid. I had always said that my first boy would be called Eli. I decided to call him Elijah and shorten it to Eli so that he had options. Elis middle name is Leevi, my middle name is my grandmothers name and my sisters also have their grandmothers najmes for their middle names too so i wanted to continue that too. I am lucky that my mums name is Lee so i didnt have to give them girls names. So i picked names that had the Lee sound and changed the spelling of it. I didnt want just Lee for both of them partly because i didnt want Jett to be Jet Lee for obvious reasons lol, and partly because i wanted them to be individuals. I dont really know why i picked Jett's name. I was looking through a baby names book before i found out i was having twins and the only boys names that i liked were Eli and Jett. As soon as i seen it i fell in love with it i knew then that it was his name.
How far along were you when you first found out your were having twins?
What was your first reaction?
I found out i was having twins at my first ultrasound at 7 weeks. I was terrified because the man doing the ultrasound was taking alot of time and was looking a bit worried. He turned to me and Said 'are you ready for this' i nearly burst into tears thinking that he was going to say that he couldnt find the heart beat ( i had a crazy, well not so crazy now, thought that something terrible was going to happen) then he said 'you are having twins' I actually laughed at him. I was already out growing my pants and my friends had all been joking the noght before that i was having twins so i thought that somehow they had made him tell me that as a joke. The first thing i said was your joking arent you? and he said no and showed me their tiny little hearts beating away. I wansnt scared at all, actually the complete opposite, you couldnt wipe the smile off my face. I was a little shocked because i had just found out that i was pregnant less then a week before and then i find out that i am having 2 babies it was alot in a very short time but i was so excited to be having twins. I had always said that i wanted twins and my wish came true.
How are things going at your sister's house? Is it getting any better with her husband??
Everything is going ok at the moment. We have our moments, i hate being here and wish i could have my own place but it is ok if i stay away from him and he stays away from me. Can i just say i love nightshift lol.
Thankyou all for asking me these questions, i had so much fun answering them. It was a good change of pace for me.
I am always happy to answer any questions that you have so if you ever want to know somthing feel free to ask :)
Sunday, March 21, 2010
Questions
I have seen this being done on a few other blogs recently so i thought i would do it too. It is pretty easy, you ask i answer.
I am sick of only really having depressing posts so i thought that this would be a good way to post something new :) I also thought this might be a good way to help people de-lurk :)
I am going to give you all the chance to find out a little more about me. You can ask me questions and i will answer them all in another post. You can ask me what ever you want, it can be about my boys, my life , my childhood, absloutly anything so dont be afraid to ask.
I am looking forward to answering all of your questions, so start asking away!!!!
I am sick of only really having depressing posts so i thought that this would be a good way to post something new :) I also thought this might be a good way to help people de-lurk :)
I am going to give you all the chance to find out a little more about me. You can ask me questions and i will answer them all in another post. You can ask me what ever you want, it can be about my boys, my life , my childhood, absloutly anything so dont be afraid to ask.
I am looking forward to answering all of your questions, so start asking away!!!!
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
I AmGoing To Be OK
Today was my volunteer day in the creche at the gym. I was a bit nervous today because i am now on a different day which means that i was going to be with different ladies.
I was so much more comfortable there today, i don't really know why, maybe it was because the ladies were a bit older and i seem to get on better with people older them me because they are less bitchy i think.
There was a 6month old there today and it was ok because i stayed with the older kids and he hardy cried at all but towards the end of the first hour he started getting a bit unsettled. All the other ladies were busy with the other kids and without thinking i asked if she wanted me to get him and she said yes. Then i realised what i had said and started panicking but i told myself that i couldn't back out now, to just get over it and it wouldn't be so bad. Guess what, it actually wasn't that bad at all. I just picked him and as soon as i picked him up he stopped crying and started smiling at me. It was really nice.
His mum came to pick him up and while she was taking him a lady walked in with a newborn girl, just a few weeks old. and i started getting the shakes. I haven't been that close to a baby that little since the boys died. Right behind her another lady walked in with the other little babies boy cousin who was 4 days younger then the first. I thought here we go 2 babies that look similar and are the same age. Obviously someone is trying to test me today. That is pretty much as close as you can get to twins without them actually being twins.
So the little girl started crying and i just picked her up and she stopped and just looked into my eyes and snuggled into me and went to sleep. She was beautiful. So i put her down and then her cousin needed a feed so i fed him and changed burped him and changed him and rocked him. I actually liked it. I liked the feeling of having a baby in my arms again.
The little girl then woke up and everyone else was busy so i put one of them in a rocker and held the other one and was rocking the one in the rocker with my foot and rocking the one in my arms and i thought that, that is what i should have been doing with my boys. Taking care of both of them by myself, soothing them, cuddling them. But the thought for some reason didn't make me sad. I had a wash of peace come over me. I really think that my boys somehow had something to do with that. They knew that i hated not being able to even look at babies and i needed to hold one (or two) again.
So 3 babies in 3 hours and now i feel good for the first time in a long time. I am proud of myself and today for the first time i really think that i am going to be OK.
Thank you Eli and Jett, for teaching me so much about myself that i didn't even know was possible, you made me realise that i am so much stronger then i thought. I love you you both more then i ever thought i could love anyone. XOXOXOXO
I was so much more comfortable there today, i don't really know why, maybe it was because the ladies were a bit older and i seem to get on better with people older them me because they are less bitchy i think.
There was a 6month old there today and it was ok because i stayed with the older kids and he hardy cried at all but towards the end of the first hour he started getting a bit unsettled. All the other ladies were busy with the other kids and without thinking i asked if she wanted me to get him and she said yes. Then i realised what i had said and started panicking but i told myself that i couldn't back out now, to just get over it and it wouldn't be so bad. Guess what, it actually wasn't that bad at all. I just picked him and as soon as i picked him up he stopped crying and started smiling at me. It was really nice.
His mum came to pick him up and while she was taking him a lady walked in with a newborn girl, just a few weeks old. and i started getting the shakes. I haven't been that close to a baby that little since the boys died. Right behind her another lady walked in with the other little babies boy cousin who was 4 days younger then the first. I thought here we go 2 babies that look similar and are the same age. Obviously someone is trying to test me today. That is pretty much as close as you can get to twins without them actually being twins.
So the little girl started crying and i just picked her up and she stopped and just looked into my eyes and snuggled into me and went to sleep. She was beautiful. So i put her down and then her cousin needed a feed so i fed him and changed burped him and changed him and rocked him. I actually liked it. I liked the feeling of having a baby in my arms again.
The little girl then woke up and everyone else was busy so i put one of them in a rocker and held the other one and was rocking the one in the rocker with my foot and rocking the one in my arms and i thought that, that is what i should have been doing with my boys. Taking care of both of them by myself, soothing them, cuddling them. But the thought for some reason didn't make me sad. I had a wash of peace come over me. I really think that my boys somehow had something to do with that. They knew that i hated not being able to even look at babies and i needed to hold one (or two) again.
So 3 babies in 3 hours and now i feel good for the first time in a long time. I am proud of myself and today for the first time i really think that i am going to be OK.
Thank you Eli and Jett, for teaching me so much about myself that i didn't even know was possible, you made me realise that i am so much stronger then i thought. I love you you both more then i ever thought i could love anyone. XOXOXOXO
Monday, March 15, 2010
Does anyone know somewhere to get good, free blogger templates???? I really need a new look and i don't think mine is working for some reason. I really wish that i could afford to pay someone to design my blog, but i cant, maybe one day. So for now free template sites would be much appreciated.
Thanks.
Thanks.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
A little boy
On Monday i was reading the news. One of the things i read about was a baby elephant had died while the mummy elephant was in labour. The elephant was in the wrong position for it to be born and they done an ultrasound and they found that the baby elephant had passed away the night before. Since reading that i have been quite down all week. as many of you probably know, i love elephants especially baby ones, they remind me of Eli so hearing this was quite upsetting for me.
Today when i opened up the news site the first thing that i seen was that the elephant a little boy had been born this morning. I was about to look at something different but i had to read it first. I was reading when i seen that they had made a mistake and the elephant was born alive. I couldn't believe it, i am so happy that i decided to read about it. I am so happy now, it has made my week. I just wish that the little elephants story could have been all of our stories. I wish that the doctors had all made mistakes like that.
Today when i opened up the news site the first thing that i seen was that the elephant a little boy had been born this morning. I was about to look at something different but i had to read it first. I was reading when i seen that they had made a mistake and the elephant was born alive. I couldn't believe it, i am so happy that i decided to read about it. I am so happy now, it has made my week. I just wish that the little elephants story could have been all of our stories. I wish that the doctors had all made mistakes like that.
Monday, March 8, 2010
melbourne storms
In my last post i was talking about the rain we were having. Apparently we got 150mm of rain in a few hours and we got the most rainfall in the state. These pictures are from Melbourne which is about 2 hours drive from where i live. Melbourne got hail the size of tennis balls and severe flash flooding. This first picture is taken outside of the crown casino. The next picture is of the hail at the racecourse. I haven't uploaded my pictures of my street yet but they don't look as good as these do anyway.
Friday, March 5, 2010
Bit of this, and a bit of that.
Last week on So. Y.ou Think. you. can dan.ce Australia one of the couples done a dance about a couple that had lost their baby. It was such a beautiful dance. Click here to watch the episode. I cant find a clip of just the dance sorry. You can skip forward to it. it. the dancers are Grace and Nick. I hope that it will work for all of you international ladies. I recommend that you all go watch it. I was in tears watching it. This is the song that they are dancing too. I had never heard it before but i really like it.
I FINALLY got off my butt and got the boys urn engraved today. It turned out so beautiful. I am so happy that it is now finished, and when i look at it i know that it is no longer half done, it is perfect like it should be, like they deserve. I don't have any pictures yet but i will try to post some soon.
Some of you may know that i LOVE LOVE the rain and cold. It has been so warm here lately and i hate it but today it was nice and cold and it rained all day. It got so bad this afternoon that our entire street was flooded out and all the drains were so full that they had turned into fountains. I loved it raining that much luckily for me our house is slightly raised so our house didn't get flooded, unluckily for the people that lived a few houses down because the river flowing down the road had decided to run through their house too.
I went outside into the rain and stood there getting soaking wet and walking up and down the street through the flowing water that was halfway to my knees. It felt so good. like i was a kid again. I remember being a kid and every time it rained like that i would always go don't to the creek and play all day in the water. I miss doing that now. If you go out onto the street and play in the water now everyone looks at me like i am crazy, even though i don't really care what people think of me. I will post some pics of our river street later too.
I think that is all i have to say for now.
I FINALLY got off my butt and got the boys urn engraved today. It turned out so beautiful. I am so happy that it is now finished, and when i look at it i know that it is no longer half done, it is perfect like it should be, like they deserve. I don't have any pictures yet but i will try to post some soon.
Some of you may know that i LOVE LOVE the rain and cold. It has been so warm here lately and i hate it but today it was nice and cold and it rained all day. It got so bad this afternoon that our entire street was flooded out and all the drains were so full that they had turned into fountains. I loved it raining that much luckily for me our house is slightly raised so our house didn't get flooded, unluckily for the people that lived a few houses down because the river flowing down the road had decided to run through their house too.
I went outside into the rain and stood there getting soaking wet and walking up and down the street through the flowing water that was halfway to my knees. It felt so good. like i was a kid again. I remember being a kid and every time it rained like that i would always go don't to the creek and play all day in the water. I miss doing that now. If you go out onto the street and play in the water now everyone looks at me like i am crazy, even though i don't really care what people think of me. I will post some pics of our river street later too.
I think that is all i have to say for now.
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Scan videos
These are the only ultrasound videos i have. I love watching them and seeing them alive and healthy.
This first one is both of them together pushing each other out the way.
this one is Eli, you can tell he was the more laid back one. He never used to move much.
And this one is Jett. He was always more active, i could tell he was going to be the one that was into everything.
This first one is both of them together pushing each other out the way.
this one is Eli, you can tell he was the more laid back one. He never used to move much.
And this one is Jett. He was always more active, i could tell he was going to be the one that was into everything.
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
I spoke too soon
Today i went back to the creche to do my 3 hours of volunteering and it was nothing like it was the week before. I wasn't with the same ladies as i was on Friday and as soon as i seen these ladies i felt like i wasn't good enough or something. They basically ignored me most of the time and chatted amongst themselves. Which is fine i don't really mind not being included. The bad thing was is they are both pregnant, one is about 6 months and the other is under 12 weeks, so alot of those 3 hours were spent listening to them talk about pregnancy/babies. There was also a few smaller babies there today which was fine like i said last time because i made sure that i stayed on the other side of the room but then one of the ladies needed to go somewhere so she tried to hand him to me and i freaked out. I started shaking and my heart was racing, i felt like i was going to either pass out or cry. i said i cant take him and she gave me a really dirty look kind of like telling me that she is in charge so i have to do as i am told. Then i said i really cant handle babies i mine died last year and i cant do it. And then she stormed off and gave him to the other lady. I was so upset it was like she was getting angry at me for the death of my babies.
I understand that i am there to look after kids and if i cant handle all of the job then i shouldn't be there but i don't see why she had to treat me like that.
I understand that i am there to look after kids and if i cant handle all of the job then i shouldn't be there but i don't see why she had to treat me like that.
Friday, February 26, 2010
phew
Ok so it wasnt as bad as i was expecting. I actually had a good time. there were 2 smaller babies there but i just stayed on the other side of the room and everything was ok. I dont even think anyone noticed that i was freaking out about them. Well i hope no one noticed anyway.
The one thing that i hated while i was there is that i got asked THE question, 'do you have any kids?' I have never been asked that question before. I think the reason that i have never been asked is because of my age. Most people would asume someone as young as me wouldnt have kids. I have always told myself that if i ever did get asked i would tell them that i did, I am proud of my boys, why wouldnt i want people to know about them. But i froze, and i said no. And after a few minutes of thinking over what i had replied i realised that i said no, that i had just said that i didnt have them. I have no idea why. Maybe it was because i was asked 2 questions at the same time and the answer to the first question was no. I have no idea.
I spose that it is one of those things that you never really know how you are going to react until it happens.
The one thing that i hated while i was there is that i got asked THE question, 'do you have any kids?' I have never been asked that question before. I think the reason that i have never been asked is because of my age. Most people would asume someone as young as me wouldnt have kids. I have always told myself that if i ever did get asked i would tell them that i did, I am proud of my boys, why wouldnt i want people to know about them. But i froze, and i said no. And after a few minutes of thinking over what i had replied i realised that i said no, that i had just said that i didnt have them. I have no idea why. Maybe it was because i was asked 2 questions at the same time and the answer to the first question was no. I have no idea.
I spose that it is one of those things that you never really know how you are going to react until it happens.
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Dont know what to expect.
I am freaking out a little bit, ok well maybe a little more then a little bit.
I seen an add in the local paper last week advertising free gym memberships, the catch is you have to volunteer a few hours a week. Not a bad deal the only problem is that you have to volunteer in their creche. Before i could talk myself out of it i emailed in my resume. I got a call a few days ago from them asking me to go in tomorrow for a interview/trial run. I am really worried that i am going to be surrounded by babies and am going to have a breakdown in the middle of the creche.
The only reason that i applied for it was because i am really overweight and need to get off my ass and lose some weight and i cant afford to pay for a membership.
It is going to take all i have to walk in there tomorrow. I am really starting to think that maybe staying fat is a better option.
I seen an add in the local paper last week advertising free gym memberships, the catch is you have to volunteer a few hours a week. Not a bad deal the only problem is that you have to volunteer in their creche. Before i could talk myself out of it i emailed in my resume. I got a call a few days ago from them asking me to go in tomorrow for a interview/trial run. I am really worried that i am going to be surrounded by babies and am going to have a breakdown in the middle of the creche.
The only reason that i applied for it was because i am really overweight and need to get off my ass and lose some weight and i cant afford to pay for a membership.
It is going to take all i have to walk in there tomorrow. I am really starting to think that maybe staying fat is a better option.
Friday, February 12, 2010
Venting
Have you ever said that you were over something and tried to forget about it and then a few weeks/ months down the track it all comes bubbling up and explodes over and you realise that you never really were over it in the first place? well that is exactly what has happened to me in the last few days.
Not long after the boys were born i heard that someone i used to work with that had lost her baby at about 18 weeks, So i done what i thought was the right thing and called her to make sure she was going ok. She hadn't heard about me losing my boys so we talked for a bit about our babies and everything else. She had lost her baby a few months before my boys were born. I thought i was doing the right thing by trying to help her. Now i wish i didn't do that and that i had never got in contact with her.
It all started one night on face. book she messaged me and said that she needed to tell me something that was going to hurt me so she didn't want to tell me. I told her i wanted to know anyway ( now i think well if its going to hurt me and you don't want to tell me, then why bring it up in the first place? ) so she starts telling me about a lady that we used to work with that she had always hated and i didn't get along with. She told me that this lady i will call her E, had apparently seen photos of me pregnant and had said that i was so massive that my babies had probably killed each other so they could get more room for themselves. She also apparently said a few other things too. I was so shocked, and angry and hurt that anyone would say that. I never really got along with E but i didn't think that she would say something like that especially because she was one of only a few people that sent flowers to me. So I rang my best friend in tears and told her what had happened. The next day i got a call from my best friend who told me that E had never said anything like that and i had another friend that also works with E that doesn't get along with E either but confirmed that E had never said those horrible things about me.
So i found out that the lady C that told me these things had just made it all up. I cannot understand why someone that has lost their baby and knows what it feels like, would say something so hurtful. I really don't get what she got out of saying that to me. Did she want me to hate E, Did she want to start a fight or was she just looking to hurt me?
I am starting to think that she was just out to hurt me but i have no idea why. I have never done wrong by her.
I had told myself that i didn't care and tried to forget about it but it has slowly started to spill out and i realise that i am so pissed off and angry about it. How dare she say that.
Not long after the boys were born i heard that someone i used to work with that had lost her baby at about 18 weeks, So i done what i thought was the right thing and called her to make sure she was going ok. She hadn't heard about me losing my boys so we talked for a bit about our babies and everything else. She had lost her baby a few months before my boys were born. I thought i was doing the right thing by trying to help her. Now i wish i didn't do that and that i had never got in contact with her.
It all started one night on face. book she messaged me and said that she needed to tell me something that was going to hurt me so she didn't want to tell me. I told her i wanted to know anyway ( now i think well if its going to hurt me and you don't want to tell me, then why bring it up in the first place? ) so she starts telling me about a lady that we used to work with that she had always hated and i didn't get along with. She told me that this lady i will call her E, had apparently seen photos of me pregnant and had said that i was so massive that my babies had probably killed each other so they could get more room for themselves. She also apparently said a few other things too. I was so shocked, and angry and hurt that anyone would say that. I never really got along with E but i didn't think that she would say something like that especially because she was one of only a few people that sent flowers to me. So I rang my best friend in tears and told her what had happened. The next day i got a call from my best friend who told me that E had never said anything like that and i had another friend that also works with E that doesn't get along with E either but confirmed that E had never said those horrible things about me.
So i found out that the lady C that told me these things had just made it all up. I cannot understand why someone that has lost their baby and knows what it feels like, would say something so hurtful. I really don't get what she got out of saying that to me. Did she want me to hate E, Did she want to start a fight or was she just looking to hurt me?
I am starting to think that she was just out to hurt me but i have no idea why. I have never done wrong by her.
I had told myself that i didn't care and tried to forget about it but it has slowly started to spill out and i realise that i am so pissed off and angry about it. How dare she say that.
Sunday, February 7, 2010
Beautiful Blogger Award
Thank you to Lizy for nominating me for this award :) I have been meaning to post this for a while now but i haven't been in the right mood for it until now.
The Rules : just give 7 facts about you and then nominate 7 people for the beautiful blogger award.
I don't think that i am really that interesting, and i cant really think of any good facts about me so this is probably going to be quite boring sorry.
1. In January 2009 3 weeks after i turned 20 i said hello and goodbye to the 2 most important people in my life, my baby boys Eli and Jett.
2. I am addicted to tattoo's and like piercings too. I got my first piercing, my lip/ lebret when i was 14 and have had it done a few times since and have also had my top lip done. I took them all out when i was pregnant and didn't put them back in so i now have none. I got my first tattoo at 15 then my next at 17 then again at 18 and my most recent one for my boys at 20. I want many more.
3. I have a niece named Lani who is 4 and she means everything to me. I love her like she is my own. she was the only one who got me through the months following the birth of my boys.
4. I am planing on doing a nursing course and eventually becoming a midwife. I had no interest in this before i got pregnant but i want to be able to help people bring live babies into this world and support those that like me didn't.
5. I haven't had my hair its natural colour since i was 8, which was when i first started dying it. I think it has been every colour imaginable.
6. I hate wearing shoes. I hate the feeling of having things on my feet. I only wear shoes when i leave the house and even then i rarely wear anything but thongs. I think it because i have a bit of a foot phobia, i hate feet altogether.
7. And i love to read. I usually read a book every week most of the time i read a book every few days. I love that it gets me out of my life and puts me in someone elses. I like the time away from being me and time away from my thoughts.
I am nominating:
Ashley
Telisha
Christy
Courtney
Amy
Mary
Kristy
I wish i could nominate everyone because i think you all are beautiful bloggers.
The Rules : just give 7 facts about you and then nominate 7 people for the beautiful blogger award.I don't think that i am really that interesting, and i cant really think of any good facts about me so this is probably going to be quite boring sorry.
1. In January 2009 3 weeks after i turned 20 i said hello and goodbye to the 2 most important people in my life, my baby boys Eli and Jett.
2. I am addicted to tattoo's and like piercings too. I got my first piercing, my lip/ lebret when i was 14 and have had it done a few times since and have also had my top lip done. I took them all out when i was pregnant and didn't put them back in so i now have none. I got my first tattoo at 15 then my next at 17 then again at 18 and my most recent one for my boys at 20. I want many more.
3. I have a niece named Lani who is 4 and she means everything to me. I love her like she is my own. she was the only one who got me through the months following the birth of my boys.
4. I am planing on doing a nursing course and eventually becoming a midwife. I had no interest in this before i got pregnant but i want to be able to help people bring live babies into this world and support those that like me didn't.
5. I haven't had my hair its natural colour since i was 8, which was when i first started dying it. I think it has been every colour imaginable.
6. I hate wearing shoes. I hate the feeling of having things on my feet. I only wear shoes when i leave the house and even then i rarely wear anything but thongs. I think it because i have a bit of a foot phobia, i hate feet altogether.
7. And i love to read. I usually read a book every week most of the time i read a book every few days. I love that it gets me out of my life and puts me in someone elses. I like the time away from being me and time away from my thoughts.
I am nominating:
Ashley
Telisha
Christy
Courtney
Amy
Mary
Kristy
I wish i could nominate everyone because i think you all are beautiful bloggers.
Saturday, February 6, 2010
Eli and Jett's first birthday
So finally i have uploaded these photos. Our Internet/computer has been having meltdowns every time i try to do anything. So it took awhile to post these pictures. Well that is my excuse anyway.
This is the cake that i made for my niece Lani's fourth birthday. She had a super hero party and picked this picture. Can you tell that she has all boy cousins?
I was pulling my hair out making this cake, for some stupid reason i decided to do it that morning, we had to be at the pool at 11am i forgot to get half of the ingredients and it was that hot that i couldn't get the icing to do what i wanted it to do and was running down the cake. I was very annoyed and pretty much just threw it all on 5 seconds before walking out the door, and i still didn't have all of my things ready at that point.
The next day was the boys birthday. I am really annoyed at my self for not planning it better. If i had have used my head i would have done something, somewhere cooler. I planned on going to a park for a BBQ and the balloon release. I also planned on making the cake that morning but i thought to save myself from stressing out i would just buy a cake mix, because what could go wrong???... well everything can it turned out as flat as a pancake, i was so upset with myself but instead of getting myself worked up i just went to the supermarket and bought a mud cake. So much easier. Anyway the day was way hotter then i was expecting. It was about 45 celsius which looked up the conversion and is apparently about 113 fahrenheit? I don't know how hot it gets in the US but that is too hot for me!
So the dramas didn't stop there. W had a BBQ in the heat and we were all melting and over it so i decided to do the cake that night when it had cooled down a little bit. Then i realised that i had forgotten to bring the camera so i had to drive home and get it. So i don't have many photos of the day which i am a little annoyed about.
We decided to do the balloon release and then go home where it was a little cooler ( not much really) . I got a blue balloon for Eli and a green balloon for Jett and then everyone else had silver balloons. I gave everyone a balloon and a marker to write on them and found a silver one floating around in my bag so decided to use that instead. BAD IDEA. The silver marker popped Eli's balloon. I was so devastated. I felt like i failed them again. I had my first breakdown for the day. Lani seen me crying and then she started too and so did one of my friends and my sister so it was breakdown all over. All i wanted to do was go and buy a new balloon so he didn't have to miss out but being a sunday there was nothing open. So i got angry and didn't write on any of the balloons and just tied the popped blue balloon to the green balloon and made myself get over it.
We watched the balloons until we couldn't see them anymore. They pretty much stayed together the entire time. I'm sure the Eli wouldn't have minded not having a blue balloon because there were enough silver ones to make up for it.
This is the cake that i got for them. I love the candles that i used. I like how colourful they are. The little candles around the edge are hugs and kisses xo. I thought they were so cute and it felt like i was sending the hugs and kisses right up to them in the stars. I decided to let Lani cut the cake I'm sure that the boys would have liked that she did it. I let her cut it what ever way she wanted and i think that she done a pretty good job of it.
Thank you to everyone that was thinking of me and the boys on their special day. I could feel all of your thoughts with me.
I forgot to add that i also took time out away from everyone and went to the movies by myself and watched ava.tar 3d. I loved it.
This is the cake that i made for my niece Lani's fourth birthday. She had a super hero party and picked this picture. Can you tell that she has all boy cousins?
I was pulling my hair out making this cake, for some stupid reason i decided to do it that morning, we had to be at the pool at 11am i forgot to get half of the ingredients and it was that hot that i couldn't get the icing to do what i wanted it to do and was running down the cake. I was very annoyed and pretty much just threw it all on 5 seconds before walking out the door, and i still didn't have all of my things ready at that point.
The next day was the boys birthday. I am really annoyed at my self for not planning it better. If i had have used my head i would have done something, somewhere cooler. I planned on going to a park for a BBQ and the balloon release. I also planned on making the cake that morning but i thought to save myself from stressing out i would just buy a cake mix, because what could go wrong???... well everything can it turned out as flat as a pancake, i was so upset with myself but instead of getting myself worked up i just went to the supermarket and bought a mud cake. So much easier. Anyway the day was way hotter then i was expecting. It was about 45 celsius which looked up the conversion and is apparently about 113 fahrenheit? I don't know how hot it gets in the US but that is too hot for me!
So the dramas didn't stop there. W had a BBQ in the heat and we were all melting and over it so i decided to do the cake that night when it had cooled down a little bit. Then i realised that i had forgotten to bring the camera so i had to drive home and get it. So i don't have many photos of the day which i am a little annoyed about.
We decided to do the balloon release and then go home where it was a little cooler ( not much really) . I got a blue balloon for Eli and a green balloon for Jett and then everyone else had silver balloons. I gave everyone a balloon and a marker to write on them and found a silver one floating around in my bag so decided to use that instead. BAD IDEA. The silver marker popped Eli's balloon. I was so devastated. I felt like i failed them again. I had my first breakdown for the day. Lani seen me crying and then she started too and so did one of my friends and my sister so it was breakdown all over. All i wanted to do was go and buy a new balloon so he didn't have to miss out but being a sunday there was nothing open. So i got angry and didn't write on any of the balloons and just tied the popped blue balloon to the green balloon and made myself get over it.
We watched the balloons until we couldn't see them anymore. They pretty much stayed together the entire time. I'm sure the Eli wouldn't have minded not having a blue balloon because there were enough silver ones to make up for it.
This is the cake that i got for them. I love the candles that i used. I like how colourful they are. The little candles around the edge are hugs and kisses xo. I thought they were so cute and it felt like i was sending the hugs and kisses right up to them in the stars. I decided to let Lani cut the cake I'm sure that the boys would have liked that she did it. I let her cut it what ever way she wanted and i think that she done a pretty good job of it.
Thank you to everyone that was thinking of me and the boys on their special day. I could feel all of your thoughts with me.
I forgot to add that i also took time out away from everyone and went to the movies by myself and watched ava.tar 3d. I loved it.
Monday, February 1, 2010
Hello February
I am so glad that January is over and done with. There are so many hard days in January and it seemed like they were never going to end. first was the day that they stopped moving and their hearts stopped beating on the 3rd, then on the 7th was the day that i found out that they had passed, on the 8th was the day i was induced, they were born on the 10th, they were due to be born on the 16th well that wasn't their actual due date but it was the day that i was booked in for a cesarean to have them, then was 19th was the day that i had their viewing and had to say goodbye and their cremation was the day after on the 20th and finally their actual due date on the 29th. So many days in one month it seemed like as soon as i got over one day the next would come tumbling down on me and knock me over. And to make it worst the friend that i have mentioned before that was having twins, gave birth to 2 healthy baby girls. I am happy in a way that they are healthy because i don't want anyone to go through what i am going through but it is a giant knife through my heart. but i am thankful that they are girls i don't know how i would have handled it if they were boys.
Today the 1st of Feb i am making my new year. I am usually a very negative person so i am going to try and make this year a better one and get my life back together and be more positive. That is my new years resolution this year. I really hope that i can stick to it unlike all of my other new years resolutions in the past.
P.s i have been very lazy and i haven't posted much about the boys birthday or any photos. I am going to try do that soon.
Today the 1st of Feb i am making my new year. I am usually a very negative person so i am going to try and make this year a better one and get my life back together and be more positive. That is my new years resolution this year. I really hope that i can stick to it unlike all of my other new years resolutions in the past.
P.s i have been very lazy and i haven't posted much about the boys birthday or any photos. I am going to try do that soon.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
My Family
My sister wanted to get something for me for the boys birthday so a while ago she surprised me by getting me a gift voucher from the midnight orange etsy shop. I had seen a few of Dana's sculptures on other peoples blogs and fell in love with them, and one night i showed her them. So anyway she didn't tell me that she had done this, she didn't want to pick something for me but she didn't want to ask me what i wanted either. I received an email from Dana telling me what my sister had done and to start designing my sculpture. This was way back in november but i couldn't decide what i wanted because i loved all of her things. So after the boys birthday with the balloon release that i done for them i realised that i really loved the idea of them holding balloons and mentioned it to Dana and she come up with this-
I love it so much and i cant wait to look at it up close and hold it. I'm sure that it is even more amazing in real life then it is in the picture.
Dana is absolutely amazing. This sculpture is perfect and it reminds me so much of my boys. I really don't know how she can make something that doesn't have any facial expressions or anything else and perfectly capture their personalities and who they are. I cant stop looking at the picture.
I love it so much and i cant wait to look at it up close and hold it. I'm sure that it is even more amazing in real life then it is in the picture.
Dana is absolutely amazing. This sculpture is perfect and it reminds me so much of my boys. I really don't know how she can make something that doesn't have any facial expressions or anything else and perfectly capture their personalities and who they are. I cant stop looking at the picture.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
So i think i am losing my mind. I don't even know what i am doing anymore. Since the boys were born i have had the worst memory, cant concentrate on anything, short temper no patience and the list goes on and on, but since my birthday/ holiday i have started to feel alot better, i don't even really know how to explain it, calm maybe? i don't really know.
It feels like since about a week before the boys birthday i have gone way back down to the really dark days. Just when i was starting to feel a little bit more like myself i get pushed back over the edge. I have absolutely no patience at all, i am moody and snappy, i don't want to get out of bed, i don't want to go to bed and i cant even remember what i did an hour ago let alone a day, week or month ago. I really feel sorry for everyone around me at the moment, I'm sure I'm not the nicest person to be around.
I didn't think that once i started to feel better that it was even possible to feel like this again. Is it even normal? but what is 'normal' anyway. Nothing feels 'normal' anymore. Maybe this is what everyone is calling my new normal. Oh i really hope not, i don't think that i could handle being like this forever, A year is long enough. Wow a year! has it really been an entire year since i held my boys? It doesn't feel like it had been that long, but it has been too long. No mother should have to be away from their children for this long. It's not fair! Why me? Why did my babies have to be taken from me? Why did all of our babies have to die? I hate it. I hate that so many people, good people, are hurting like this. It is so unfair
I am exhausted.
I am over it.
I am sad.
I am happy.
I just want to scream until i have no scream left
Sorry for the depressing post, just needed it out of my head so maybe i can get a little bit of my sanity back, hopefully but i doubt it. I think it has gone long, long ago.
It feels like since about a week before the boys birthday i have gone way back down to the really dark days. Just when i was starting to feel a little bit more like myself i get pushed back over the edge. I have absolutely no patience at all, i am moody and snappy, i don't want to get out of bed, i don't want to go to bed and i cant even remember what i did an hour ago let alone a day, week or month ago. I really feel sorry for everyone around me at the moment, I'm sure I'm not the nicest person to be around.
I didn't think that once i started to feel better that it was even possible to feel like this again. Is it even normal? but what is 'normal' anyway. Nothing feels 'normal' anymore. Maybe this is what everyone is calling my new normal. Oh i really hope not, i don't think that i could handle being like this forever, A year is long enough. Wow a year! has it really been an entire year since i held my boys? It doesn't feel like it had been that long, but it has been too long. No mother should have to be away from their children for this long. It's not fair! Why me? Why did my babies have to be taken from me? Why did all of our babies have to die? I hate it. I hate that so many people, good people, are hurting like this. It is so unfair
I am exhausted.
I am over it.
I am sad.
I am happy.
I just want to scream until i have no scream left
Sorry for the depressing post, just needed it out of my head so maybe i can get a little bit of my sanity back, hopefully but i doubt it. I think it has gone long, long ago.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Fan Page
I have started a fan page for the boys on face book. I swear i have to do things the hard way. First i started a group and then i realised that i couldn't have photo albums on it and i didn't want to have all of the photos in together so i had to delete the group page and start a fan page. I haven't uploaded all the photos yet but i am slowly getting there.
Sorry to anyone that in stuffed around by starting and deleting the original page.
Here is the link if anyone wants to join it :)
http://www.facebook.com/pages/Remembering-Eli-and-Jett/262950293748?v=wall&ref=nf#/pages/Remembering-Eli-and-Jett/262950293748?ref=nf
Sorry to anyone that in stuffed around by starting and deleting the original page.
Here is the link if anyone wants to join it :)
http://www.facebook.com/pages/Remembering-Eli-and-Jett/262950293748?v=wall&ref=nf#/pages/Remembering-Eli-and-Jett/262950293748?ref=nf
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Last goodbye
It was this exact time and date a year ago that i had the remainder of my heart riped out of my chest.
I can still remember it like it was yesterday, it still feels like it was yesterday. It really was the hardest day of my life. The final goodbye to my boys at their viewing.
It started off with a call from the funeral home, my sister answered as i was in no state to talk to anyone. She came into my room and told me that they didn't want me to go and see my boys, they basically said that they had been dead too long and they looked 'wrong'. They also said that they couldn't dress them in the clothes that i wanted them to be dressed in because they couldn't move their arms through the arm holes. By this point i was furious. How dare they tell me not to see my babies one last time because of how they look. I didn't care how they looked i was defiantly not going to care and miss out on that little bit extra time with them. I had my sister tell them that i will be seeing them no matter what and they will be wearing the clothing that i gave them no matter what. They told my sister that there was no way for them to dress them so i basically yelled at them that i didn't care if they had to cut the clothes as long as it looked like they were wearing them, so that is what they ended up doing.
So we got to the funeral home and he again advised me not to see them, i gave him the death stare from hell and he let us to the little room that they were in. I didn't really think that they looked much worse then they did when they left the hospital. but apparently they did, i don't really know i personally think that they were absolutely gorgeous. I spent about an hour with them. my mum and sister came in with me but both left soon after to give me some time with them which i was so thankful for.
I wasn't expecting their casket to be so small. It was tiny. They were sharing and they hardly fit in it. They were basically laying on top of each other to fit in it. No real change from what they would have been used to being in my belly really. Like i said i didn't think it would be that small so the toys that i wanted to put in with them didn't really fit but we managed to get them in. We put in some photos and my sister put in a card. I didn't want them to be in the casket because i hate the way they looked so we decorated it with stickers. I think it ended up looking really pretty, well as pretty as a casket can look.
I didn't want to leave but they were closing the place soon so i had to. I didn't think that i could hurt anymore then i was already hurting but i soon found out that i could. What was left of my heart shattered onto the floor when i was trying to say goodbye. I broke down, i had to be carried out the room, All i wanted to do was run away with them. I don't remember the drive home or getting home or the following 4 months. It is all a blank to me after that last goodbye. All i remember is wailing for hours and hours.
I can still remember it like it was yesterday, it still feels like it was yesterday. It really was the hardest day of my life. The final goodbye to my boys at their viewing.
It started off with a call from the funeral home, my sister answered as i was in no state to talk to anyone. She came into my room and told me that they didn't want me to go and see my boys, they basically said that they had been dead too long and they looked 'wrong'. They also said that they couldn't dress them in the clothes that i wanted them to be dressed in because they couldn't move their arms through the arm holes. By this point i was furious. How dare they tell me not to see my babies one last time because of how they look. I didn't care how they looked i was defiantly not going to care and miss out on that little bit extra time with them. I had my sister tell them that i will be seeing them no matter what and they will be wearing the clothing that i gave them no matter what. They told my sister that there was no way for them to dress them so i basically yelled at them that i didn't care if they had to cut the clothes as long as it looked like they were wearing them, so that is what they ended up doing.
So we got to the funeral home and he again advised me not to see them, i gave him the death stare from hell and he let us to the little room that they were in. I didn't really think that they looked much worse then they did when they left the hospital. but apparently they did, i don't really know i personally think that they were absolutely gorgeous. I spent about an hour with them. my mum and sister came in with me but both left soon after to give me some time with them which i was so thankful for.
I wasn't expecting their casket to be so small. It was tiny. They were sharing and they hardly fit in it. They were basically laying on top of each other to fit in it. No real change from what they would have been used to being in my belly really. Like i said i didn't think it would be that small so the toys that i wanted to put in with them didn't really fit but we managed to get them in. We put in some photos and my sister put in a card. I didn't want them to be in the casket because i hate the way they looked so we decorated it with stickers. I think it ended up looking really pretty, well as pretty as a casket can look.
I didn't want to leave but they were closing the place soon so i had to. I didn't think that i could hurt anymore then i was already hurting but i soon found out that i could. What was left of my heart shattered onto the floor when i was trying to say goodbye. I broke down, i had to be carried out the room, All i wanted to do was run away with them. I don't remember the drive home or getting home or the following 4 months. It is all a blank to me after that last goodbye. All i remember is wailing for hours and hours.
Monday, January 18, 2010
Catching up
I have been meaning to post some pictures of the boys christmas tree and ornaments for a while but for some reason i haven't gotten around to doing it yet. well i dont think it's because i havent gotten around to doing it, it's just that i have been having trouble with the internet and have had quite a bit going on for me over the last few weeks.
So here they are. The picture quality isn't that great sorry. hopefully i will have all of the boys birthday photos uploaded soon and i will post them by the end of the week ( dont hold me to it but i will try)
My sister got these from etsy for me. I love them. She also got some made that aren't christmas that i can use all year.
I got these ornaments made with their photos on them. They didn't turn out quite ho9w i wanted them too but i am still happy with them.
And these beautiful stockings arrived while i was away on holidays from Ashley, Mackenzie's mommy. I hadn't even thought of getting them stockings so when these turned up i was so happy.
And this is their christmas tree. I was stupid and didn't buy them one before i went away for my holiday so i had to run around when i got back and try to find it and decorations for it. Not an easy task a few days before christmas, but i really liked how it turned out. I am going but new ornaments every year to put on their tree but this christmas i am going to get my act together earlier and get everything before everywhere is sold out. I was even sneaky and got blue and green wrapping paper with stars all over it because it reminded me of the boys and wrapped all of the presents in it so a bit of them was with everyone for christmas. I am always the present wrapper. No one in my family likes to do it and luckily for them i love doing it.
So here they are. The picture quality isn't that great sorry. hopefully i will have all of the boys birthday photos uploaded soon and i will post them by the end of the week ( dont hold me to it but i will try)
My sister got these from etsy for me. I love them. She also got some made that aren't christmas that i can use all year.
I got these ornaments made with their photos on them. They didn't turn out quite ho9w i wanted them too but i am still happy with them.
And these beautiful stockings arrived while i was away on holidays from Ashley, Mackenzie's mommy. I hadn't even thought of getting them stockings so when these turned up i was so happy.
And this is their christmas tree. I was stupid and didn't buy them one before i went away for my holiday so i had to run around when i got back and try to find it and decorations for it. Not an easy task a few days before christmas, but i really liked how it turned out. I am going but new ornaments every year to put on their tree but this christmas i am going to get my act together earlier and get everything before everywhere is sold out. I was even sneaky and got blue and green wrapping paper with stars all over it because it reminded me of the boys and wrapped all of the presents in it so a bit of them was with everyone for christmas. I am always the present wrapper. No one in my family likes to do it and luckily for them i love doing it.
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