Please Vote !!!!

Teddy Love Club Pregnancy & Infant Loss Support is
asking you to help TLC win $60,000.

This is an amazing photo of 400 balloons with the sun
shining through them, that parents families and friends
released in memory and in honour of all the babies
precious little lost lives on the First ever TLC Memorial Walkathon this year. It really is quite a magical photo
that moves you incredibly.

Please help support TLC by voting for Kimberley's Photo
for TLC to win $60,000. If we are that lucky to win, TLC
can open the first ever one of its kind in Australia -
Pregnancy & Infant Loss Healing Centre !

Please help us make this a reality !

VOTE NOW..


Teddy Love Club has helped me so much over the past 7 months and i would really apreciate it if everyone could please take the time to go and vote for them. A pregnance and infant loss healing center would help so many families in Australia.

Thankyou to everyone who votes.
XXXX

Under The Tree

Hair Color: Brunette 

Eye color: Blue but changes in shades depending on
my moods

Profession: Unemployed at the moment

Relationship status: Single


My Favorites:

Favorite color: Orange

Favorite movie: Twilight

Favorite animal: Both elephants and giraffes

Favorite store: I dont think i have one

Favorite childhood memory: Swimming in comptitions

Favorite hobby: Reading

Favorite song/singer: At the moment it is Pink

Favorite book/author: Twilight saga by Stephenie
Meyer ( Yes i am addicted to twilight)
 
Favorite school subject: Cooking

Favorite vacation destination: I would love to go anywhere
at the moment

Favorite food: Cheesecake

Favorite restaurant: I dont really go to resteraunts


This or That


Coke or pepsi : Coke zero

Beer or wine: Neither

Coffee or tea: Neither but if i had to pick one i can
handle tea

Apple Juice or O.J.: Apple juice

Summer or Winter: Winter. I love the cold

Cats or dogs: Im not an animal person so neither

Salty or sweet: Sweet! I love anything sweet and s
ugary well except for chocolate.
Plane or boat: Plane

Morning or night: Night. I am definantly not a morning
 person!
 
Money or love: Love

Breakfast ordinner: Dinner
  
 Forgiveness or revenge: Forgiveness usualy but it depends
on who it is and my mood at the time

House or apartment: Either at the moment

Like to cook: Anything


Have You Ever:


Got a speeding ticket: Yes more then one

Wished you were someone else: Sometimes
 
Cried during a movie: I never really did until i got pregnant
 then i turned into a big sook
 
Describe yourself in one word: Caring

Biggest fear: I already lived through it when i lost
my babies. I have no idea what it is now
 
Biggest mistake: Getting pregnant but it was the best
mistake i have ever made also.

Your proudest accomplishment: Having my babies

Dream job: Any job that i actualy like doing

Special talents: I am a pretty good cook 

Where would you rather be at the moment: Back at home with
 all my friends

Famous person you want to meet: Twilight cast
 
Song to be played at your funeral: Anything happy. Maybe the
songs my babies were born to. Beyonce.

Good Week.

Tonight i met up with an amazing group of ladies who have unfortunantly lost babies all at diferent times and all to diferent causes. I had a really good night and have made alot of new friends. It was so good to be able to sit with these ladies and not have to think about what i am saying or if i am going to upset or offend anyone. I could be myself with them and that is something that i havent done in a very long time. I hate the reason that we were all there but i am so happy that we have found each other and are able to help each other and hopefully many more other families along the way.

It is extremely comforting to know that i am not alone but at the same time i wish i was, i wish that no one else had to feel the way that i am feeling. Its not fair all these wonderfull women and millions more have to go through this. What did we all do to deserve it.

I have had a pretty good week this week. Slowly it is getting better. i think it started off as 2 steps forward and 1 step back. Now i think it is slowly moving to 3 steps forward and 1 back. There is still good days and bad ones but the bad days arent hapening so often now. I am now able to make it more then one day with out crying myself to sleep. Sometimes i feel so guilty because i am not crying all the time and i am able to laugh and smile alot more but then i think that my boys wouldnt want me to feel guilty they would want me to be happy and enjoy life. That is what i am trying to do. I owe it to them and i owe it to myself.

Failure

Lately i feel like such a failure.
I am a failure to my family, to my friends, to my boys and most of all i feel like a failure to myself. I cant seem to do anything right i couldnt even keep my own babies alive, i cant make any decisions for myself, i am jobless but dont want to look for one, i dont sleep but I am hardly ever awake, im not happy but have no want to be happy again i dont even try, everything that i used to enjoy no longer brings me hapiness, things that should come naturaly to me dont. i have to force myself to smile for everyone else. I am over it all. I give up on trying.

In the last 6 and a half months i have been trying to make myself seem happy to make other people feel better and i hate it. I have only had 2 days of actually being happy and not having to think about what i am doing before i did it. That was when one of my friends came to visit me from WA. I am so alone and it is killing me. I hate being alone and that is what i am everyday. I just want to be surounded by my friends but it is not possible. All i want is to just see them. I have not seen any of my friends except for 1 in the last 11 months, but even though they are a long way away at times i feel so close to them. They have been there for me even if it is just over the phone and i love them for that.

All i keep thinking about all the things that i should have done with my boys in the 2 days that i had with them. Shoulda, coulda, woulda.

There is so many things that i hate myself for not doing. I wish that i had of been able to stand up for my self but stupid me always tries to think about other people. my first regrets are from when i was in labour and the doctor turned off my music, my mum went to turn it back on but i told her not too. I wanted my music on but i was trying not to be anoying. I regret not holding my babies while i had the chance to do it. I held them both for a few minutes but i put them down and didnt pivk them up again. I wanted to so badly hold them but i was scared that i would do something to hurt them. They were so big but so fragile. I was scared that any movement that i made i would make more of their skin peel off or i would drop them or break something. I dont know why i was so scared cos i would never hurt them. I wish i had of been selfish and done what i wanted to do. I had them both right in front of me but i was too scared to hold them and now that they are gone all i want is the chance to hold them, even if just for a minute. I failed to be a mum to them when i had them with, i dont know how if i couldnt be a mum for them then how the hell am i sposed to be a mum for them now.

I have been trying so hard to make up for that now. Everything that i do i think about them and if they would aprove of it or not. I dont drink anymore. Before i got pregnant i was your usual teenager. I went out every night of the week and got drunk. Alcohol made me feel better about myself. It helped me not have to think about what was going on around me. I wanted so badly to just drink as much as i could after i had the babies. I wanted to drink my pain away, but i realised that it wouldnt help me. It wasnt going to do me any good, the only thing it was going to do was make me feel worse so i didnt. I am proud of that. I now realise that i have grown as a person and this has all made me stronger, but i wish that i didnt have to learn that lesson.

Alot of people that i went to school with have had babies and i see them and it pisses me off. They are not good mothers. They drink every night still. they take drugs while looking after their kids. they go out, they dont look after their kids properly, they think that kids have made their life worse and now they dont have a life. All i want to do is yell at them and say be gratefull of what you have and that they dont realise how lucky they are to have them. I wanted my babies so badly and these people that dont want them seem to be able to have them so easily. I would have been a great mum.

I dont want them to be disapointed in me. I dont want to be disapointed in myself anymore. Everything that i have done since they were born was for everyone else. I was there for everyone else, i held my self together so i didnt upset anyone more, I only cried once in front of anyone, i pretended to be ok. The truth is Im not ok and i wish that while i had people trying to help me i had let them. I was strong enough to be there for them but i was too weak to be there for me and do what i wanted to do. I shouldnt have had to hide away in my room and cry myself to sleep every night.

I wish that someone could have told me at the time that i would regret so much. I wasnt thinking at the time. I was in shock, i still am in shock. All i keep thinking is that at least i will know for next time. Next time.... Why the hell am i thinking that. There will be no next time. I wont let there be. But i cant know if there will be or not can i? I wont even let there be a chance of being a next time. All i have ever wanted was to have alot children but i am so scared now that i dont think i will ever lt myself have any more. I dont think that i could go through this again. I wouldnt be strong enough.

There has been many times that it has gotten to hard for me and i have thought about ending it all. All i keep telling myself that it is selfish of me to bow out because my pain is too much to handle when i would be leaving my family to not only have to deal with the loss of my boys but the loss of me too. I wish i could be selfish and not care about anyone but i cant. It is who i am, it is how i was raised. In a small way i am happy for that. I love my boys too much to quit.

MUMMY LOVES YOU ELI AND JETT. XOXOOXOX.

The new me.

I cant even begin to explain how i feel. The truth is i dont even know how i am feeling. I think i have gone through every emotion that there is. All i am really feeling is lost. I feel numb. The way that i have explained it to one of my friends is that i feel like humpty dumpty. I was pushed of my wall and my entire life was shattered into a million peices and it doesnt matter how much anyone tries i cant be put back together. My body is here but my heart has been broken too badly to ever be fixed.

All i wanted in the last 6 months was to feel like me again but i know now that this is me now. I will never be the same as i was before and that is ok with ne because without this pain and greif that i feel i wouldnt be able to apreciate what a gift that i was given of my angel babies.

I supose that not everyone can say that they have held an angel but i am lucky enough to be able to say that i have held 2.

I still dont know who the new me is but i am slowly trying to figure it out. All i know is that i am happy to be me and i wouldnt change it for anything.

xx

The birth of my bubs.

It has been 6 months since the birth of my beautiful babies Eli and Jett. It feels like it was just yestarday that i last held them in my arms. My babies were stillborn at 37 weeks due to an infection. they were perfect in every way and more gorgeous than i thought was possible. This is my story.

I found out that i was pregnant at around 6 weeks and had my first ultrasound at 7 weeks. I was so nervous the entire time that i was getting it done and it didnt help that the person doing it wasnt saying anything and was just umming and arring. i started to get really worried that he couldnt find anything when he turned to me and said " are you ready for this." i nearly burst into tears thinking the worst. then he informed me that there was two babies and at first i didnt believe him until he showed me on the screen. All i could do was laugh. i was so excited and i instantly knew that i was having both boys.
at 14 weeks i moved interstate to live with my sister so she could help me out with everything as i am single and had been told that i wasnt aloud to work anymore.
I had a completely problem free pregnancy and all the doctors were suprised at how well they were growing and how well i was coping with growing 2 babies. i was booked in to have a cesarian at 38 weeks and was so excited to meet my boys. At 36 1/2 weeks i went to have my usual monitoring and doctors apointment where they were having trouble trying to find their heart beats. i was taken down into the ultrasound area which wasnt unusual bacause it had happened a few times before as they always liked to make it as dificult as possible. This time i instantly knew that there was something wrong. I was trying hard not to cry and tell myself that everything was ok and i was over reacting until the nurse that was with me said that it was ok to cry given the situation and then i realised that i wasnt over reacting. i was taken in to get an ultrasound done and that is the instant that i felt my heart shatter into millions of pieces. I layed there and watched the screen seeing that their were no heart little hearts beating but willing them to start wriggling around. I liked to go to my apointments alone but i was wishing then that i had someone with me to share me greif with. I was all alone ans for the first time i hated it.

I went home and had to return the next day to be induced. I was so angry that i wasnt aloud to have the cesarian that i had planned for the entire pregnancy. I was later so thankfull that i got to give birth to my babies so i didnt feel as if they were just taken from me.

My labour was very short but i also had many complications with the epidural nearly killing me. Early saturday morning the 10th of january i gave birth to Jett leam weighing 6pound 5 followed by Elijah leevi weighing 7pound 12. I cant remember alot about that morning or the folowing few months. The only thing that i can remember feeling on the day they were born was love. I was so happy to finaly get to see my babies after over 8 months of waiting for them. I finaly realised what true love was.

This is getting very long so i am going to go and will write more from the last 6 months soon.