My Family

My sister wanted to get something for me for the boys birthday so a while ago she surprised me by getting me a gift voucher from the midnight orange etsy shop. I had seen a few of Dana's sculptures on other peoples blogs and fell in love with them, and one night i showed her them. So anyway she didn't tell me that she had done this, she didn't want to pick something for me but she didn't want to ask me what i wanted either. I received an email from Dana telling me what my sister had done and to start designing my sculpture. This was way back in november but i couldn't decide what i wanted because i loved all of her things. So after the boys birthday with the balloon release that i done for them i realised that i really loved the idea of them holding balloons and mentioned it to Dana and she come up with this-


I love it so much and i cant wait to look at it up close and hold it. I'm sure that it is even more amazing in real life then it is in the picture.

Dana is absolutely amazing. This sculpture is perfect and it reminds me so much of my boys. I really don't know how she can make something that doesn't have any facial expressions or anything else and perfectly capture their personalities and who they are. I cant stop looking at the picture.

So i think i am losing my mind. I don't even know what i am doing anymore. Since the boys were born i have had the worst memory, cant concentrate on anything, short temper no patience and the list goes on and on, but since my birthday/ holiday i have started to feel alot better, i don't even really know how to explain it, calm maybe? i don't really know.

It feels like since about a week before the boys birthday i have gone way back down to the really dark days. Just when i was starting to feel a little bit more like myself i get pushed back over the edge. I have absolutely no patience at all, i am moody and snappy, i don't want to get out of bed, i don't want to go to bed and i cant even remember what i did an hour ago let alone a day, week or month ago. I really feel sorry for everyone around me at the moment, I'm sure I'm not the nicest person to be around.

I didn't think that once i started to feel better that it was even possible to feel like this again. Is it even normal? but what is 'normal' anyway. Nothing feels 'normal' anymore. Maybe this is what everyone is calling my new normal. Oh i really hope not, i don't think that i could handle being like this forever, A year is long enough. Wow a year! has it really been an entire year since i held my boys? It doesn't feel like it had been that long, but it has been too long. No mother should have to be away from their children for this long. It's not fair! Why me? Why did my babies have to be taken from me? Why did all of our babies have to die? I hate it. I hate that so many people, good people, are hurting like this. It is so unfair

I am exhausted.
I am over it.
I am sad.
I am happy.
I just want to scream until i have no scream left



Sorry for the depressing post, just needed it out of my head so maybe i can get a little bit of my sanity back, hopefully but i doubt it. I think it has gone long, long ago.

Fan Page

I have started a fan page for the boys on face book. I swear i have to do things the hard way. First i started a group and then i realised that i couldn't have photo albums on it and i didn't want to have all of the photos in together so i had to delete the group page and start a fan page. I haven't uploaded all the photos yet but i am slowly getting there.
Sorry to anyone that in stuffed around by starting and deleting the original page.
Here is the link if anyone wants to join it :)

http://www.facebook.com/pages/Remembering-Eli-and-Jett/262950293748?v=wall&ref=nf#/pages/Remembering-Eli-and-Jett/262950293748?ref=nf

Last goodbye

It was this exact time and date a year ago that i had the remainder of my heart riped out of my chest.
I can still remember it like it was yesterday, it still feels like it was yesterday. It really was the hardest day of my life. The final goodbye to my boys at their viewing.

It started off with a call from the funeral home, my sister answered as i was in no state to talk to anyone. She came into my room and told me that they didn't want me to go and see my boys, they basically said that they had been dead too long and they looked 'wrong'. They also said that they couldn't dress them in the clothes that i wanted them to be dressed in because they couldn't move their arms through the arm holes. By this point i was furious. How dare they tell me not to see my babies one last time because of how they look. I didn't care how they looked i was defiantly not going to care and miss out on that little bit extra time with them. I had my sister tell them that i will be seeing them no matter what and they will be wearing the clothing that i gave them no matter what. They told my sister that there was no way for them to dress them so i basically yelled at them that i didn't care if they had to cut the clothes as long as it looked like they were wearing them, so that is what they ended up doing.

So we got to the funeral home and he again advised me not to see them, i gave him the death stare from hell and he let us to the little room that they were in. I didn't really think that they looked much worse then they did when they left the hospital. but apparently they did, i don't really know i personally think that they were absolutely gorgeous. I spent about an hour with them. my mum and sister came in with me but both left soon after to give me some time with them which i was so thankful for.

I wasn't expecting their casket to be so small. It was tiny. They were sharing and they hardly fit in it. They were basically laying on top of each other to fit in it. No real change from what they would have been used to being in my belly really. Like i said i didn't think it would be that small so the toys that i wanted to put in with them didn't really fit but we managed to get them in. We put in some photos and my sister put in a card. I didn't want them to be in the casket because i hate the way they looked so we decorated it with stickers. I think it ended up looking really pretty, well as pretty as a casket can look.

I didn't want to leave but they were closing the place soon so i had to. I didn't think that i could hurt anymore then i was already hurting but i soon found out that i could. What was left of my heart shattered onto the floor when i was trying to say goodbye. I broke down, i had to be carried out the room, All i wanted to do was run away with them. I don't remember the drive home or getting home or the following 4 months. It is all a blank to me after that last goodbye. All i remember is wailing for hours and hours.

Catching up

I have been meaning to post some pictures of the boys christmas tree and ornaments for a while but for some reason i haven't gotten around to doing it yet. well i dont think it's because i havent gotten around to doing it, it's just that i have been having trouble with the internet and have had quite a bit going on for me over the last few weeks.
So here they are. The picture quality isn't that great sorry. hopefully i will have all of the boys birthday photos uploaded soon and i will post them by the end of the week ( dont hold me to it but i will try)


My sister got these from etsy for me. I love them. She also got some made that aren't christmas that i can use all year.


I got these ornaments made with their photos on them. They didn't turn out quite ho9w i wanted them too but i am still happy with them.


And these beautiful stockings arrived while i was away on holidays from Ashley, Mackenzie's mommy. I hadn't even thought of getting them stockings so when these turned up i was so happy.



And this is their christmas tree. I was stupid and didn't buy them one before i went away for my holiday so i had to run around when i got back and try to find it and decorations for it. Not an easy task a few days before christmas, but i really liked how it turned out. I am going but new ornaments every year to put on their tree but this christmas i am going to get my act together earlier and get everything before everywhere is sold out. I was even sneaky and got blue and green wrapping paper with stars all over it because it reminded me of the boys and wrapped all of the presents in it so a bit of them was with everyone for christmas. I am always the present wrapper. No one in my family likes to do it and luckily for them i love doing it.

99 Things

Kristy from I Love You To The Moon And Back done this on her blog as a way to get to know each other better so i thought that i would do it too.

Here are the rules: Bold the things you’ve done and post on your blog! I am changing what I have done to Pink so it is easier to see.

1. Started your own blog
2. Slept under the stars
3. Played in a band ( does band hero count lol)
4. Visited Hawaii
5. Watched a meteor shower
6. Given more than you can afford to charity
7. Been to Disneyland
8. Climbed a mountain
9. Held a praying mantis
10. Sang a solo
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched a lightening storm at sea
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch
15. Adopted a child
16. Had food poisoning
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty
18. Grown your own vegetables
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France
20. Slept on an overnight train
21. Had a pillow fight
22. Hitch hiked
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill
24. Built a snow fort
25. Held a lamb
26. Gone skinny dipping
27. Run a Marathon
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice
29. Seen a total eclipse
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset
31. Hit a home run
32. Been on a cruise
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
35. Seen an Amish community
36. Taught yourself a new language
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
39. Gone rock climbing
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David
41. Sung karaoke
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant – at a store
44. Visited Africa
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight
46. Been transported in an ambulance
47. Had your portrait painted – drawn, actually
48. Gone deep sea fishing
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud
54. Gone to a drive-in theater
55. Been in a movie
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business
58. Taken a martial arts class
59. Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies
62. Gone whale watching
63. Got flowers for no reason
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma
65. Gone sky diving
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp
67. Bounced a check
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial
71. Eaten Caviar
72. Pieced a quilt
73. Stood in Times Square
74. Toured the Everglades
75. Been fired from a job
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London
77. Broken a bone
78. Been a passenger on a motorcycle
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person
80. Published a book
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car
83. Walked in Jerusalem
84. Had your picture in the newspaper
85. Kissed a stranger at midnight on New Year’s Eve
86. Visited the White House
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
88. Had chickenpox
89. Saved someone’s life
90. Sat on a jury
91. Met someone famous
92. Joined a book club
93. Got a tattoo
94. Had a baby
95. Seen the Alamo in person
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake
97. Been involved in a law suit
98. Owned a cell phone
99. Been stung by a bee

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!

Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday Eli and Jett, happy birthday to you.

Happy first birthday baby boys. I really hope that you have had a good day. And i hope that you liked your party. It wasn't really what i had in mind, but it was still nice. It would have been way better then that if you were both here. I have had a nice day, i have had tears but i have also had some smiles too. I have missed you both so much today and haven't stopped thinking of you all day. Have fun playing with your balloons.

Always remember that i love you both so so much, more then all the stars in the sky.
Love you Eli XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOOX
love you Jett XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOOXOX

When is this nightmare going to end?

I already know the answer to that one. Never. It is always going to be like this. They are never going to come back, I will forever be missing the biggest chunk of my heart. I still wonder why they were taken from me, What did i do wrong to deserve it, Why is there so many horrible parents out there that just seem to pop out healthy baby after healthy baby when i know that i would have been a good mum and both of my boys were snatched away from me right at the finish line.

I woke up this morning and i was back there, I year ago today, laying on that hard uncomfortable bed in the ultrasound room, looking at that screen, and seeing......Nothing, nothing at all, No movement, no little flickering hearts nothing just stillness. I don't even remember what the doctor was saying to me. I didn't need to listen to him, I already knew what i was looking at, My babies, my poor baby boys had died inside of me where they were meant to be safe. I was all alone, there were doctors and nurses there with me in the room but i felt so alone, alone in the room and alone in the world. I felt so alone until i found this new world, The blogging world, a world filled with people like me who have lost their own precious babes, who know how i am feeling. So today i want to say thank you to everyone who reads here and has supported me over this last year. Even though i have never met or had a conversation with you you have made this last year that much more bearable. THANK YOU FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY SHATTERED HEART <3

I Need Help

I really need help deciding what to do for the boys first birthday. I really want to do something special for them but i have left it really late and i cant think of what to do. If anyone has any ideas, it doesnt matter how small please let me know. I would really appreciate it.
Thanks.

Today

I didnt even realise what today was until now. I was sitting at the computer on facebook and i realised that one year ago today was the day that my boys hearts stopped beating. I feel horrible that i didnt even remember that it was today but at the same time i am happy that i didnt remember, I dont want to remember. I dont even really think of today as being the day that they died, i didnt even know that they had died until the 7th. I really can believe how fast all of these anniversaries have come around. In exactly a week it will be their 1st birthday. I really just want to go to go to sleep and wake up when all of those hard dates have been and gone.

I dont even know what i am going to do for their birthday. I really want to have a party for them but i dont know if i am going to be feeling in the mood to be around a heap of people. I guess i will just have to wait and see, and maybe if i am too busy planning a birthday party i wont have time to stress out about the day untiol it is here.