What goes up must come down!!

Why is it that just when you think that you are past that emotional breakdown from the smallest thing stage something happens to make you have an emotional breakdown. I knew everything was starting to seem too good to be true.

I have had probably the best couple of weeks since the boys were born and i was starting to actualy be as close to happy as possible.

I just found out today that one of my friends is expecting twins. I dont really know how i should feel about it. I know that i should be happy for her but i am just so angry, sad, jealous and those are just a few among many things that i am feeling. I have never had a problem with other pregnant people and i have never thought anything negative. I have a few friends that are pregnant at the moment and i am really happy for them the only thing that i have felt towards them is just being worried for them so having all these negative feelings towards her is really confusing me and making me feel like the biggest bitch ever. I thought that i must have just been one of those people that doesnt have a problem with them but now i know that i never had a problen because i wasnt just pregnant with one i had twins. I dont want to feel like this, i want to be happy that she will get to experience the joy that Eli and Jett bought me but i cant be and i hate that. I know that it is only gona get worse and harder through her pregnancy. I dont know what i hate more, theat she is having twins or the way that i am feeling towards her for having them. If she was just pregnant with one baby it would be so much easier.

It's just not fair. I dont understand what i have done to deserve such a crappy life.

I've been tagged

It's my first time getting tagged and this sounds like so much fun!

Here are the rules to this tag:
1. Mention and link back to the person that tagged you. (I was tagged by Lisa at http://jasperthomas.blogspot.com Thanks Lisa :)
2. List 6 little things that make you happy.
3. Tag 6 other bloggers and let them know "They're it".

1. Jett Leeam My beautiful angel baby and the first of my twins to be born. I love him so much. The pain that came with his birth was well worth the love and happiness that it gave me. The 8 months that i was pregnant with him and his brother Eli was the happiest time in my life and i am so lucky that i got the chance to experience it.

2. Elijah Leevi My gorgeous angel baby and the second of my twins to be born. There is no way to explain how much i love him. Eli and Jett are the only thing in my life that make me truly happy and i am so lucky to have them even if i cant hold them every day. I miss them both so much.

3. Reading I have been reading to kep my mind off everything. I hadnt read anything in over 3 years but i started to read after my boys were born and realised how much i really love reading. In the last 4 months i have read 17 books and i am really running out of good books so if anyone has any suggestions i would love to hear them :) When i read i dont have to think about my life, for that time i am in someone elses.

4. My wonderful friends I love my friends so much and i am so lucky to have them. When ever i need them they are there to listen, even if they are on the other side of the country. I desperatly want to go back home and see them all. I havent seen them in nearly a year since i moved away while i was pregnant to be closer to my family for support.

5. My neice Leelani I dont know where i would be now without her. she has given me a reason to live. I love her so much. She is 3 1/2 and is so cute. Somehow she always knows exactly how i am feeling and how to make me happy again. She is the only thing that can make me smile ven on my bad days.

6. Music Music to me is alot like my reading. When i listen to music it takes me away for a little while and i dont have to think about anything.

So many firsts!

In the last year i have experinced so many firsts that i didnt think i would be experiencing so soon. First there was my first pregnancy and then i found out that i was having twins which are the first for the family. then there was the first move out of the place that i was born which was also the first time that i had ever been to this state and there was also alot of more firsts that came along with the pregnancy. I had so much fun with all these new things until another first hapened for me one that i never want to have to experience again, this first was the death of my babies. I had never known anyone that had died before and i never thought that the first experience with death would be my own children. Within a month of my boys passing my grandfather comit suicide and my uncle died in a car crash. Like they say it doesnt just rain it pours. i guess who ever said that was right.

I was looking forward to experiencing so many new things that came with having babies but i didnt expect that i wouldnt get to have it all.


I have had alot of new experiences since then some good but mostly thay are all bad. On wednesday i had another first, this one was a really good one. I went to my first concert at 20. I went to see pink in Melbourne and it was so much fun. I had completely forgot about my pain and let loose and had the best time ever. I am so happy thta i decided to treat myself to that experience. I didnt know what to expect but i was blown away. I took my sister with me and we had such a great time not just at the concert but shopping all day. i was so exhausted by the end of it, but it was well worth it.

She is an amazing singer and performer, it wasnt just a concert it was a entire show. If anyone that likes her gets the chance to see her i would definantly recomend it. It was definantly an experience that i will never forget. I think that it was probably the second time in 7 months that i have been truly happy and not had to remind myself to smile.


This is me and my sister Tara.



and pink and white confetti that got released down ontop of us. it was so pretty watching it all fall on us.

This is me!!

I read this somewhere and realised that this is me. This is what i am thinking. All i do is cry and this is exactly why.

I cry for the time that you were almost mine,
I cry for the memories I've left behind,
I cry for the pain, the lost, the old the new,
I cry for the times I thought I had you.