Signs, signs and more signs!

I absolutely love getting little signs from my boys. They don't happen that often but when they do they are very obvious. so i will start from the beginning
I am going to visit my mum for christmas this year. this will only be the second time that i have been to see her since i was about 17. She has struggled with losing her grandsons, she finds it really hard not having anything of theirs to remember them by. I have their ash's and all their clothes and things and all she has is a few photos so she decided to make a garden for them a very large garden that is, most likely knowing her, larger then my entire backyard. I cant wait to see their garden. Doing it has helped her to be able to do something for them and also made a place for her to be able to go and feel like they are all around her. I have noticed a huge change in her lately. she seems happier? anyway back to the story, i had been thinking about taking a small portion of Eli and Jett's ash's with me to put in their garden, i thought that would help her even more actually having part of them in her garden. I have been going back and forth with it all week. so last night i just decided to ask the boys to let me know if that's what they wanted me to do and to show me a sign for yes and if i didn't get anything then i wouldn't do it.

I called my mum on the way to work today and she told me that she had seen the boys. I started thinking maybe she was losing it until she told me that she seen 2 black and blue butterflies flying side by side nd they circled the boys garden and then went into it and hung out around the flowers but they never left each others sides the entire time they were there. That's when i knew that they were giving me a clear YES. I then told her my idea and she was so happy. for christmas the family is all going to go and each pick a plant and plant them with their ash's. I then got to the creche that i was working at for a few hours and the owner had bought in a few new toys. The toys she had were the same as what my mum had bought for Eli and Jett, and an elephant and giraffe toy and that was all. OK boys i get it you want me to take some of your ash's to nannas house!
I then get to my other work and see a lady carrying around a stuffed elephant toy and less then 5 minutes later another lady wearing a shirt with an elephant on it. Hmm do you think they are trying to tell me something???

So now i have to part with a small part of my boys. I didn't think how hard it was going to be for me to part with them but I'm sure it will be wort it to see my mum smile.

For some reason i feel very protective over her. I have always felt like i had to protect her and i still do. My heart broke for my mum when i had to ring her and tell her that both of her grandsons had died. I think it didn't really hit me till later on i was just so worried for her, i felt like i failed her. Hearing her on the phone just screaming was the worst thing i have ever heard in my life. I'm sure to anyone listening from the street it would have sounded like she had just cut off her leg, but i guess in a way that's kind of what happened. part of her had been amputated and she like us all will always be missing something that most people just take for granted.

 All those signs might just seem like i am looking for something to explain it. sometimes i think that to myself. I am just trying to find a sign from them but in my heart i know that my boys are around and i asked and they gave me an answer. Even if its not them it still makes me happy. 

On another note t is now past midnight here which makes it the 10th. which makes it 22 months since they were born. only 2 months till their 2nd birthday. this year has gone so fast. it feels like it has only just been their 1st birthday. I don't know how i have manages to go nearly 2 years without my babies. I miss my boys.

 OK enough rambling for me hope this post has made a little bit of sense. I'm going to bed, that is if i can sleep. Xxx