Finally....

I have my boys where they should be. Well they should be here with me in my arms butt i know that isnt going to happen so i have to settle for second best. I have finally gotten my boys ash's out of that horrible black plastic box and into their urn. It has taken me 9 months 2 weeks and 5 days to get them there but i am so happy. Everytime that i looked at the container that they were in i would cringe. i hated thinking that they were in there, i hated it so much, but now i look at there pretty box and smile knowing that they are there. Now all i need to do is get the box engraved with there names and birthdays and it will be perfect.

My Precious Little Boys

Together we will always be - for all of eternity
Until our family once again
In our hearts you shall both remain.
My cute little boys, you fought so long
Im proud of you both for being so strong.
I cant explain the pain inside
though it's something I cannot hide.
When i held you close to my heart
I didnt feel so far apart.
My twin boys that could never be
You are the cuttest boys i will ever see.
Until we meet in the stars one night
Forever hold each other tight.

Love Mummy xoxoxox

Wednesdays for Wyatt - Week Two!

Here we go! Our second Wednesday for Wyatt! It’s quite simple to participate. All you have to do is copy and paste this post on your blog, and come back here to link up with MckLinky! Once you do that, your all set to win a great giveaway. Kristi, on of the dear women who follow my family's story has generously donated some handmade buckeye's jewelry. Thank you Kristi!

Over the last week we have gotten 123 new signatures! Over 100 of those we got last Wednesday alone. And we had 34 wonderful bloggers link up... I can't wait to see how much Wednesdays for Wyatt will grow this week!

For those of you who are not familiar with my family and what we are trying to achieve, here’s a brief run down...

Our son Wyatt was diagnosed with a fatal condition at our 18 week ultrasound, but chose to carry him to term. We waited to meet our son with love, all the time praying we would get to see him alive.

On June 1, 2009, Wyatt made his way into the world by c-section. To our amazement he had a faint heartbeat and was breathing! He died two minutes later, but I’ve clung to the two minutes my son and I breathed the same air since his passing.

Upon calling to get a copy of Wyatt’s birth certificate, I found out he was listed as a stillborn. You would assume it was a mistake (like I did), but there was no mistake. According to the definition of live birth in Tennessee my son was not “alive enough” to be deemed a live born baby. His two minutes of life has gone unrecognized by my state, and I intend to change this piece of legislation so I can solidify the validity of my son’s short life.

Wednesdays for Wyatt was created to help spread awareness for a law that needs to be changed, as well as to generate more traffic to my petition. So if you’re reading this, thanks for taking the time to help our family!

This contest will be open today only. I will close MckLinky down sometime before midnight, so make sure you get linked up ASAP to make sure you are entered to win this giveaway! Thanks for helping everyone, and good luck.

Their names in the sky

I wanted to say a big thankyou to Ashley at Babies In The Sky for writing Eli and Jetts name in the sky for me. She done an amazing job i love them so muck so Thankyou. Everyone should go check her blog out and make a name request.

a better day

Saturday was a better day then the past week. The show was on this weekend. I went with my sister and niece. It was a really good day and i actualy had fun. I got quite sunburnt because stupid me forgot ot put sunscreen on. The fire works were on that night so i went back and took my niece with me. I love watching fireworks i always feel so happy watching them. It was really nice to just be there with my niece. I love her so much and love spending quality time with her. Watching the fireworks made me think of the boys. It was like the fireworks were just there for me. Like there was no one else in the world. they were a celebration of my Elijah and Jett's life. Of course to everyone else they were for the end of the show. I hope that they were there watching them with me.
When i started driving home that night a song came onto the radio. I thought it was perfect for how i have been feeling this past week and how i was feeling while watching the fireworks. It felt like a sign from my boys telling me everything was going to be ok. I am one day goign to be happy again.

The song is by Leona Lewis and it is called happy. Here are the lyrics to the song.


someone once told me
that you have to choose
what you win or lose
you cant have everything
dont you take chances
you might feel the pain
dont you love in vain
cause love wont set you free
i could stand by the side
and watch this life pass me by
so unhappy but safe as could be

CHORUS
so what if it hurts me
so what if i break down
so what if this world just throws me off the edge
my feet run out of ground
i gotta find my place
i wanna hear my sound
dont care about other pain infront of me
cause im just tryna be happy, yea
just wanna be happy, yea

holding on tightly
just cant let it go
just tryna play my roll
slowly diasappear, oooh
well all these tears
they feel like theyre the same
just different faces, different names
get me outta here
well i can stand by the side
and watch this life pass me by
pass me by

CHORUS
so what if it hurts me
so what if i break down
so what if this world just throws me off the edge
my feet run out of ground
i gotta find my place
i wanna hear my sound
dont care about other pain infront of me
cause im just tryna be happy
just wanna be happy
oooh

so any turns that i cant see
ill count a stranger on this road
but don’t say victim
dont say anythng

CHORUS
so what if it hurts me
so what if i break down
so what if this world just throws me off the edge
my feet run out of ground
i gotta find my place
i wanna hear my sound
dont care about all the pain infront of me
cause im just tryna be happy
just wanna be happy

I give up

Since my last post things haven't gotten any better. I went back to the funeral home to get the boys ash's transfered into the memory box that i will be using instead of an urn. I prepared myself all day for it and by the time i got there i was feeling ok about being there. so i walked in and the lady knew who i was from the day before, she told me that she was sorry but they wouldnt be able to do it that day but i could leave them there for the weekend and pick them up on monday. there was no way i was leaving them there for that long so i said i would come back another day instead. then later that day i took my niece and nephew to the movies to watch astro boy, which by the way is a really good movie. so after the movie finished i was trying to catch up with the kids and rolled my ankle and fell down the stairs twisting my knee on the way. ( yes it is ok to laugh at my clumsiness i would have if it didnt hurt so much ). then i had to carry one of the four year olds on my hip and the other four year olds on my shoulders while walking 3 blocks home on a twisted ankle. then i had to go to a staff meeting which got cancelled but i wasnt told until i got there. Today i was supposed to go to a meeting for the charity that i volunteer for. i love going to these meetings because all the ladies there are also baby loss mummas. i usually take my sisters spare car but this morning when i got up my sister told me that my brother in law is refusing to let me take the car, which means that i cant go. i was so upset, going to those meetings has helped me so much and is pretty much the highlight of my month. i am so sick of him being such an asshole to me.com i dont deserve it. then to top it all off, nearly everyone that came into work had newborn little boys with them, my ankle and knee were killing me, i felt like i was going to either be sick or burst into tears all day and i kept stuffing everything up so everyone was snapping at me all day.
i can honestly say that today is the first day since the babies died that i have been really tempted to go to the bottle shop and buy a couple bottles of vodka and drink until i cant speak or think.
i am over everything, i am over life, i am over believing that its going to start getting better. I give up.

One of those weeks

I have been having one of those weeks where i just want to give up. I am physically and emotionally drained. I feel exhausted.

I started my new job last week. They don't call work work for nothing do they. I think it is going to take a while for me to get used to being on my feet all day again. I have always done this type of work so it is nothing new but its taking a lot out of me because i haven't worked in about 18 months. Its not just hard on my body but my mind. It is good because it gives me less time feel sorry for my self but it is hard because it gives me less time to think about my boys. The other day an older lady came in for a coffee with a little baby in a pram. I am ok with this as long as i don't look at the baby. So i went over to take her the coffee and she was in the middle of getting the baby out of the pram and she looked up at me while doing it and said to me " isn't my grandson the most beautiful baby you have ever seen?" I thought i was going to have a major breakdown right there, i could feel the tears welling up. I really wanted to say to her that no i didn't think he was and that he wasn't nearly as cute as my boys but i managed to control my emotions and I just tried to smile and walked away as quickly as i could. It probably looked like i was ignoring her and she probably thought that i was a bitch, i felt bad for that but it was the best that i could do at the time.

The week hasn't gotten any better. I am hating being at home my brother in law has been off work sick for about 6 weeks so i have been stuck with him that entire time and he has been nothing to me but an asshole. The only time he is ever nice to me is when he needs something. I usually just ignore him but it is getting so hard lately to do that and he isn't getting any nicer to me. Actually to be honest he is only getting worse. He doesn't want me living in his house which i understand but i don't think he has to be so nasty towards me. He doesn't even acknowledge me when i am speaking to him. he just completely ignores me or says something really nasty. It really hurts because it doesn't matter how hard i try he just gets meaner and meaner. It hurts even more that my sister wont even stick up for me or even recognise that he is doing anything wrong. It feels like he has jammed the knife into my back and she is standing there twisting it in further.

Yesterday i had to go back to the funeral home to pay the cremation bill. I hadn't paid it yet and they were sending me letters saying that it had to be paid. I couldn't bring myself to pay it before. I didn't want to ever have to go back there i hate that place. Everyone there are all really nice but every time i think about that place all i can think about is having to walk away from my boys for the last time.
So i managed to go in there and pay the bill and walk out without becoming a sobbing mess. I was walking back the the car and i could feel the tears coming. I made it to the car and could feel my emotions about to surface. I turned to look out the window and just as i did that a tiny little lady bug landed on my window and started to crawl around. It was like an instant mood booster. It reminded me of Mackenzie . It made me happy and made me feel like i wasn't so alone and that there are so many families out there that have felt like i was feeling at that moment. I hate knowing that it has happened and will happen to so many other people but it is also extremely comforting in a weird way knowing that i am not alone in this.
The lady bug stayed on my window until i had calmed down and then flew away. It was like it stayed there to make sure that i was ok.

I have to go back there today to get my boys ash's transfered into their urn. I hope today that it will be a little easier for me.

Pregnancy and Infan Loss Rememberance Day

Thursday was pregnancy and infant loss rememberance day. At 7 pm i lit up my candles. I lit some for Eli and Jett and i lit some up im memory of all of the other angel babies.


Jett's candle
Eli's candle
Candles for all of the angel babies.

And i lit sparklers in memory of all of the beautiful babies from all of the blogs that i love to read.

These candles were lit by a lovely lady that i used to work with when i was 15. One of my friends also lit 2 candles for Eli and Jett but i cant seem to be able to upload the photo.



We thought of you today,
But that is nothing new
We thought of you yesterday
And will tomorrow, too
We think of you in silence
And make no outward show
For what it meant to lose you
Only those who love you know
Remembering you is easy
We do it everyday
It's the heartache of losing you
That will never go away.

Mummy loves you more then all the stars in the sky Eli and Jett.
XOXOXOXOXO

My tattoo

Today i got my tattoo for the boys finished. I love it so much he done an amazing job. He quoted me $400 for today's work but ended up doing it and re doing another one of my tattoos for me and all he charged me was $350. Today was also Eli and Jett's 9 month anniversary for their birth so it really felt so special and fitting to get their tattoo finished today. And it was also a great distraction for me. If i wasn't getting it done i probably would have just sat at home being miserable all day but instead i was happy all day.

So here is the finished tattoo.


And the other tattoo that he re don for me. I got this done 2 years ago but it got badly infected and there was basically no ink left and i was left with a huge scar. It is he best he could do because off all the deep scarring.



It says 'what goes around comes around' around my ankle.

I start my new job on monday and i am really nervous.
I think that's all i have to say today. It has been a big day and i am exhausted so it is bedtime for me now.
xxx

Another new member :(

There is another lady that i think needs some support. Her name is Rachel. She lost her 4 month old son Beckett on september 2. Could you please go and visit her at her blog The Biggest Loss.

Thankyou so much
xxx

A new member to our club

Shannon is a new member to out club. She lost her precious son Lane in may. Please support her by visiting her blog
Thankyou
xxx

Just a few things...

I have a few little things to say today. Nothing all that exciting really just a few bits and pieces.

I had a job interview the other day and i heard back yesterday that i got the job. I was secretly hoping that i wouldn't get it but i did and that's ok. I think i need to get out and do something with my life other then just sitting at home all day and the money will be good even though it doesn't pay as good as what i would like it too but it is better then nothing. I start on Monday and i am pretty nervous. It will be weird working again after not working since August 08.

I am finally getting my tattoo for the boys finished on Saturday. That is my Christmas present from my mum. I really didn't want anyone else to pay for it i wanted it to be my thing but it has been that long that i just want it finished. I think he said that it should take about 3 hours to finish it. YAY. I cant wait. I hate the feeling of it being incomplete.I am a little worried about getting it done so close to starting my new job but hopefully it will heal like the rest of it did, really quickly.

And finally i packed up the cot. I still had the boys cot in my bedroom where they were going to sleep. I couldn't bring myself to take it away. It was a comfort it being in there even if they weren't in it where they should be. I wasn't sure how i would go taking it down but i was ok. It did upset me a bit but not as bad as i thought i would be. I needed to take it down because i was sick of having no room in my bed room. It isn't a big room but i had my queen size bed, chest of drawers, 2 bed side tables, a small set of drawers, a bar fridge, the cot and 2 really big parrot cages all squished into my room. I had just enough room to walk to my bed and that was all. So with the cot gone i can now walk around in my room again.
I still have all their things out and in the drawers i cant bear to part with it all yet but i am proud of myself for being able to put the cot away.

That's all i have today i think. I will put up a photo on Saturday of the finished tattoo.

Hope Collage

This is the boys Hope Collage. Thankyou so much to Franchesca at Abiding Hope Collages for doing this for me. I love it, it is absolutly perfect. I put a request in and the next day not even 24 hours later it was finished.

My Baby Boys

I was looking through my photos of my boys today and i realised that i havent posted any here yet so I thought I would share some of them.

Me just before i went to the hospital to have them


This is Eli

And this is Jett

Me and my BIG boys

I decorated their casket with the wall stickers that i was going to put up in their room. I have matching stickers in my room.

Job interview

I had a interview for a job at a cafe today. I still dont really know how i am feeling about it all. I really do want to work and i hate not having a job or money but I'm not too sure if i am really ready to go back to working. I know that i will prolly never be fully ready to work but it is really starting to scare me. I am so lucky that i live somewhere that i can have that much time out of work and i know that many people don't have that kind of chance to do it but i hate that it isn't really my choice to start work again and that i am being forced into looking and applying for work even if the job isn't something that i really want to do. It sucks. But this job is something that i am ok with doing and don't have alot of pressure involved and i think that the interview went well. I was stressing out quite a bit in the lead up to the interview. I was stressing out that i would get asked questions about why i haven't worked since August 08 and i didn't know what i was going to say. I didn't want to tell them that i was pregnant and that my babies died but i didn't really want to lie either. So when the question was asked i just said that i haven't worked in that time because i moved interstate, they then asked me why i moved and i just said that it was because all of my family moved out of the state and i thought that it would be a good thing for me to move too. It wasn't a lie but it wasn't the entire truth either. I know that it probably doesn't look real good not working in over a year but i thought that it would be worse if i broke down and cried in the middle of a job interview.

I should hear by Monday if i got the job or not and then if i did training will start on the 12th. Hopefully if i do get the job i am ready and it isn't too hard to start working again.