Christmas Ornaments

I have been looking everywhere for ornaments for the boys. I haven't been able to find anything that i like. I originally wasn't going to do Christmas this year, i didn't see the point in doing it without them but i thought that i should do it any way for them. So i decided to get them a special little tree and each year i will add a new decoration for them.

It is so hard to find anything nice enough for them. They are all baby's first Christmas and although it will be their first Christmas i don't see how they are quite appropriate. I wanted something that as soon as i seen it i knew that it was the one. So anyway i was looking on etsy the other day and found the cutest hand made elephant ornament that holds a heart that can have a name or date written on it. I loved it but i didn't want to get it because there wasn't a giraffe as well. I don't like getting something for one of them without the other. It is stupid but i feel guilty or something, kinda like i am favouring one. It is usually elephant things that i like but there is hardly ever giraffe stuff. Anyway i have gotten side tracked. I really wanted the elephant ornament but decided against it because i wasn't getting it without a giraffe. So yesterday my sister emailed me ( she lives with me, well actually i live with her, but she knows that i don't like all the emotional stuff she she decided to tell me in an email to save all the awkwardness) that she had gotten me the elephant and a giraffe Christmas ornaments and also another set without all the Christmas stuff. She had already seen them and paid for them before i had seen them, that's why i couldn't find a giraffe there. I am so happy that she did that for me. She was going to wait until they arrived in the mail to tell me about them but because they aren't going to be here before i leave on my holiday she decided to just tell me so i wasn't stressing out and to make sure that i had a good time while i was away. I love my sister so much. she always does the smallest things for me but they are always so well thought out and help the most. She always tells me that she wishes that there was something that she could do to help. I think that because i never talk to her about anything and never let her see me cry and never go to her for help that she isn't doing anything for me but i don't think that she realises that her just being here helps and the little things that she does helps and just knowing that she loves my boys so much helps.

I also found a place that makes personalised ornaments so today i went and designed some for the boys. I got them in the shape of stars and they have their photos on them and their names. I wont get them for a few weeks but i cant wait to see them. So i have gone from stressing out about not having any ornaments for them too having a selection of them.

I will post pictures of all of them once i get them, it will probably be in about 3 weeks after i get home from my holiday. Only 3 days till i leave :)

The count down begins

I am counting down the days until i am on holidays. I really cant wait until i go home, back to a town called Kalgoorlie in Western Australia. Most people think that i am crazy for wanting to go back. It isn't a nice place at all, there is nothing to do there, and most of the people there aren't nice but it is home for me, It is where i was born and grew up, it's where i lived up until moving across the country to Victoria where i live now. I am so excited about seeing all of my friends again. I haven't seen them in about a year and a half. The last time they seen me i was about 3 months pregnant. I miss them so much. Some days i feel like i am going crazy without them. I am stuck in a place where i don't know anyone.

I am a little worried about going back there at the same time. I don't want to go back to my old bad habits. I used to drink way too much, i am actually surprised that i still have a liver.
I was trying to decide if i was going to drink at all when i was back there. I am still a little unsure. It will be my 21st birthday when i am there so i think that i will be drinking for that. I'm not sure. It is such a hard decision to make. I think i will just have to wait and see how i am feeling at the time.

So it is only 6 days until i go away. YAY!!!. I really need this holiday.

My Favourite Quote

Before you, Bella, my life was like a moonless night. Very dark, but there were stars—points of light and reason… And then you shot across my sky like a meteor. Suddenly everything was on fire; there was brilliancy, there was beauty. When you were gone, when the meteor had fallen over the horizon, everything went black. Nothing had changed, but my eyes were blinded by the light. I couldn’t see the stars anymore. And there was no more reason for anything.


This is from new moon the book. I was so disapointed when they left it out of the movie. This reminds me of my boys and how i felt beofre during and after i had them. Well if you replace where it ways Bella and put in Eli and Jett.
Just thougt i would share.

P.S- see i told ya i was addicted.

My addiction

I have a problem with addiction. I think it isn't that bad but anyone that knows me would disagree. This isn't a normal addiction, it isn't drugs, cigarettes, alcohol or anything like that, it is actually a little embarrassing really. I'm not the type of person that usually does something because everyone else is doing it. I like to be different. I really tried extremely hard to stay away from this. I didn't want to like it as much as i did. I tried to make myself hate it but it just wasn't possible. The first time that i was exposed to it i was hooked. I have never been the same since.

I am addicted to twilight. Yes that's right i have an addiction to the twilight saga. I know it is sad. Like i said i didn't want to like it, mainly because it was the big thing i didn't go and watch it at the movies i didn't hire out the DVD i didn't read the books even though a few people tried to make me read them. One night my sister got the DVD and i had nothing better to do so i thought i would watch it just to prove to myself that i wouldn't like it. From that second on i was hooked. the next day i went out and brought all the books and read them in 3 1/2 days. i think i only slept for a few hours in between books. i didn't put the book down until it was finished. I got the DVDs ( 3 disc special addition) and watch the DVD most days.

Before this i hadn't read a book since i was at school other then pregnancy books.

Last night i went and watched twilight at the movies because i didn't see it there when it came out. I wanted to watch the midnight showing of new moon but to my disappointment it had sold out before i got a chance to watch it. So first thing this morning i went and watched new moon at the cinemas. It was amazing. I had the best day. I wore my team Jacob shirt and has my new moon popcorn and drink. Got the best seat. I didn't want it to finish. I definitely recommend everyone watch it.

I really have no idea why i like it as much as i do. I have never been this obsessed about anything before. I think it was because i watched the movie and read the books about a month after the boys were born. It was the first thing that i found could completely take my mind of my crappy life. When i was reading it i wasn't me anymore, i was in Bella's head, it was my escape. It was so nice and i got to feel that again today watching new moon. I wasn't sad all day, i really did have a great day today. That hasn't happened in a long time.

Sorry for this being so long and random but i just wanted to share my escape.

Who are they Missing?....

This is the question that my 3 1/2 year old niece asks when ever she sees someone crying on TV, Movies or in real life. When i say i don't know she asks if they are missing their babies. It really breaks my heart knowing that losing my boys has effected her so much. She shouldn't have had to know what death is at such an early age.

When ever she sees me crying she knows exactly why i am crying and she starts to cry too and tells me that it will be ok and that she misses Eli and Jett too. Just after they were born and she would see me crying she would run out of my room and find her teddy and dummy and bottle and give me her teddy (which she would never let any one have), put her dummy in my mouth and try to force me to drink her milk bottle to try make it all better. The funny thing was that it always worked.

I don't think that she really understands what happened, she knows that they died but i don't think that she really knows what that means. I don't really believe in heaven so i told her that they went to the stars which is my version of heaven. when ever you ask her where they are she tells us that they went in a space ship to see Santa in the stars. I have no idea where she got that from but i think it is so cute that she made something up to help her understand it her way.

The other night she was drawing pictures. She was drawing her family, me, her mum and dad and then she drew 2 smaller people and i asked who they were and she told me that they were Eli and Jett. She has never done that before. It was beautiful. It really made my day. I have been so sad that she wouldn't get to have a relationship with my boys or that she would forget about them but i realised at that moment that she never will forget that they will be with her always.

When ever she sees an elephant or a giraffe she tells me that it is Eli or Jett. I have never said anything to her that would make her associate them with my boys but she has just picked it up from all of their things. She even can tell the difference between their photos. Even just the photos of their feet. I have a photo on my phone wallpaper of Eli's ear and somehow she knew that it was his. It took me a long time to figure out who's ear it was. I should have just asked her, it would have saved me some time.

I really didn't realise what an impact my boys had on her until just recently when i took notice of the things that she does and the questions that she asks. I am so happy knowing that they will always be as important to her as they are to me. Those 3 are the most important people in my life. I really don't know how i would have coped without her here with me. She gave me a reason to keep going. I love her so much. I don't think i could love her anymore even if she was mine. I always thought that when i had my own kids that i would feel more love for them then i did for her but the truth is i didn't. It was exactly the same. I felt the same emotions when i seen her for the first time as when i seen them. Love at first sight.

I love you Eli, Jett and Lani.
xoxoxo

More Name Photo's

Holly sent me these beautiful photos of my boys names. They are so beautiful. Thank you so much. I love autumn with all the leaves falling off the trees. I have only recently started liking it so much. It used to be just another month to me. The town that i used to live in, in western Australia doesn't really do autumn. All the trees there are not the type that lose there leaves. Because that is the only place that i had ever lived i used to think that leaves falling from the trees only happened in other countries or the movies. I really did think that trees in Australia didn't do it. I was so surprised when i moved over here and went for a walk through the park and seen all of the leaves on the ground. The other people in the park must have thought i was the biggest weirdo because i was running through the leaves and rolling around in them. I was having so much fun while my niece didn't think it was that great and was just watching me. Talk about role reversal.

Now that it is spring and nearly summer i am wishing that it was autumn again or better yet winter. I miss the cold, I hate the heat, I have always hated summer. I would b happy if i never had to go through another summer ever again. But the biggest reason I dont want it to be summer is probably because summer was when the boys were born. I really don't want it to be 1 year without them.

Wednesdays for Wyatt - Week Three!

Here we go! Our third Wednesday for Wyatt! It’s quite simple to participate. All you have to do is copy and paste this post on your blog, and go over to Danielle's blog to link up with MckLinky! Once you do that, your all set to win a great giveaway.

So far, we are up to 1,443 signatures! Lets try to keep them steadily rolling in.

For those of you who are not familiar with my family and what we are trying to achieve, here’s a brief run down...

Our son Wyatt was diagnosed with a fatal condition at our 18 week ultrasound, but chose to carry him to term. We waited to meet our son with love, all the time praying we would get to see him alive.

On June 1, 2009, Wyatt made his way into the world by c-section. To our amazement he had a faint heartbeat and was breathing! He died two minutes later, but I’ve clung to the two minutes my son and I breathed the same air since his passing.

Upon calling to get a copy of Wyatt’s birth certificate, I found out he was listed as a stillborn. You would assume it was a mistake (like I did), but there was no mistake. According to the definition of live birth in Tennessee my son was not “alive enough” to be deemed a live born baby. His two minutes of life has gone unrecognized by my state, and I intend to change this piece of legislation so I can solidify the validity of my son’s short life.

Wednesdays for Wyatt was created to help spread awareness for a law that needs to be changed, as well as to generate more traffic to my petition. So if you’re reading this, thanks for taking the time to help our family!

This contest will be open today only. I will close MckLinky down sometime before midnight, so make sure you get linked up ASAP to make sure you are entered to win this giveaway! Thanks for helping everyone, and good luck.

Was it a Sign?

I have been thinking recently about signs. One of my friends that had a miscarrage was telling me about a sign that she got just before her miscarage. She walked into her doctors office to tell him that she was pregnant and laying on the floor in the middle of the room was a dead man. A few days later she lost her baby. Was that a sign? I think it was.

I was thinking back to just before i found out that my boys had died and was trying to figure out if anything like this happened to me. I realised that it did. On the 2nd of January John Travolta's son Jett died.

Before it being all over the news i didnt even know that john Travolta had a son but seeing it all over the news really hit me hard for some reason. I was really sad about it. I felt really sorry for john and his family and couldnt even begin to imagine how he must be feeling to lose his son Jett. I didnt even want to think what it would feel like to lose my son Jett or Eli.

I found out on the 7th of january that neither of my boys had a heart beat. It devistated me. I forgot all about Jett travolta and his family. All that mattered was that my boys had died. I didnt have to imagine their loss. I was feeling it along with them.

I found out from their autopsy that they most likely died on saturday the 3rd of January. technicaly only one day after Jett Travolta. I was thinking about it and with the time diference ( Friday the 2nd of January over there is Saturday the 3rd of january over here) My boys and him died on the same day.

I really think that it was a sign. I think at the time deep down i thought it was a sign too but i didnt want to believe it. I knew something was wrong but i didnt want to believe that either. It took me 5 days to find out that something was wrong. 5 days to get the courage up to go to the doctors for them to confirm my worst fears. Something was wrong. Soemthing is still wrong. My boys arent here where they should be. Thats wrong.

The Secret Garden Meeting- October

Welcome to the garden. A place that is only open for bereaved parents. It is our garden, our secret place to come to. A place to remember our children with those who understand us. It is a place to just be, without worry or fear of not being accepted. May you feel safe to share your hearts here in the garden.

So this meeting we would like to talk about where you are. Where are you at in your grief. Has it been years or just weeks since you lost your baby. How are you feeling. How do you hope you will feel in the future. Have you found any peace at all?

Tomorrow it will have been 10 months since Eli and Jett were born. Those 10 months feel like they have gone by so fast but at the same time it feels like it has been forever without my boys. I am ok most days, well not really ok more less of a mess then i was a few months ago. I am still missing them like crazy but now when i think about them it makes me smile instead of cry. I still cry but its only when i think about what i am missing out on or what should have/ would have been. Mostly i am so happy that i had the chance to meet them. I don't really think that it has gotten any easier or i am any less sad then i was all those months ago but i think i am now sad for different reasons then i was. I used to be sad for losing them but i didn't lose them and i now realise that they will always be with me no matter what.
I don't really have any hopes for the future i just try to take each day as it comes.

Do i have a right

Sometimes i feel like i don't have a right to be this sad. I think about all the poverty in the world and the people who don't have anywhere to live, anything to eat, lost their entire family, live in war and other horrible things like that. I'm sure to these people i have had it easy, and i know that my life isn't that bad but too me it is that bad. Losing my babies is the worst thing that has ever happened to me and probably the worst thing that could happen to me. I would give everything up, i would give my life just to hold my boys again.

Then i think about all the mums that have lost more then me. That have lost 2 babies separately or more then 2 babies. I really don't think that i could have handled that. Losing them both at once was bad enough but having to lose both of them at different times would have killed me even more. And I think about the people that have tried for years before finally getting pregnant only to lose there much loved babies. I wasn't even trying. So sometimes i feel bad for that. I feel bad that i obviously don't have any trouble getting pregnant when so many ladies out there would give anything to get pregnant. I feel bad that i don't have any trouble staying pregnant when some people cant. I feel bad that what happened to the boys wasn't something that is likely to happen again when some people cant have babies because of the chancs of something genetic happening again. Sometimes i feel like i should feel lucky that none of these horrible devistating things have happened to me and if i did want to have more the chances of something going wrong again aren't very likely, not to say that it wouldn't happen again, i know that it could. But i don't really feel lucky. I lost my boys, my life and i don't want more i just want them.

Another huge thankyou

After having a few bad days i was checking my emails and got the perfect pick me up in my inbox. Holly at caring for carleigh made this beautiful video of my boys photos. I love it, it is perfect and amazing. I was in tears watching it. Words cant even describe what it means that she done this for me. So THANKYOU SO MUCH HOLLY you really have made my day/week/month.
XXX

Heartbreaking

So yesterday and today i havent really been in the best of moods. Like i have said before i am a volunteer with a organiseation called Teddy logve club. I got involved with them after i lost my boys. They donate teddies to families that lose their babies so they dont have to leave the hospital with empty arms. I wanted to be able to give back and help other families that were going to have to go through what i was going through. I love doing it. It makes me feel like something good is coming from what i had been through. Even though i would take it all back to have my boys back.
A few months ago i droped about 12 teddies off at my local hospital. I thought 12 was going to be enough to last a while. Well really i was hoping it would be. Anyway i got a call yesterday morning saying that the hospital had run out of teddies and they would like me to drop some more off to them. It broke my heart. I know that this kind of thing happens a lot but for some reason i didnt think that they would run out so soon. I can understand how a hospital in a city or a bigger town might run out quickly but where i live is small. It just makes me so sad thinking of how many people are going through so much pain.

Thankyou!!

I wanted to say thankyou so so much to Danielle at Letting Go and Letting God For sending me this beautiful photo that she took of my boys names on rocks. I love it. As soon as i opened the email and seen this photo all i could do was cry. It is so nice to know that other people that i have never even met before are thinking of Eli and Jett.