I am back!

I have been away from blog land for a while but i am now back. It is going to take me a while to get through all of the posts that i have missed but i will do my best.

this last month that i have been away has been so crazy for me. First i went on holiday for my birthday then while in was away on holidays my sister who i olive with rang me up and told me that we were moving house and that when i got home they would have already moved ( so anyone that had my old address and needs my new address just let me know and i will send it to you), then when i got home from my holiday i had to go and move everything from my room at the old house to the new house, then i had to go and help get the old house cleaned and ready to hand the keys back to the real estate. A week after i got home we had alot of visitors come and stay with us for christmas and they have only just left yesterday. So it has been pretty full on for me. I am so exhausted now. Last night was the first night that i had slept in my own bed since i got back from holidays and it was so good. I can finally start to relax a little.

So my birthday was amazing. I am definitely never going to forget it. All of my friends back home made it the best ever. I didn't have a party or anything like that i just hung out with all of my friends and went out to the pub but i think just being back home after being away for nearly 2 years was what i really needed. Being back there made me realise just how much i really missed all my friends. The 2 weeks that i was there seemed to go so fast. It felt like i was only there a few days and i had to leave again. It wasn't all fun though. While i was there i had to face one of the hardest things that i think i have had to face so far since losing the boys. My best friend had a baby 3 months ago. She found out that she was pregnant the day after the boys were born. She had a little girl named Jose. She is absolutely gorgeous but it was so hard. It took me 3 full days of being around her to be able to hold her. Once i did all i did was cry. It felt really good to have a baby in my arms but it just reminded me of what i have lost. It was really good because my friend understood. She knew that it was going to be hard on me and she didn't push me to hold her baby. We had a big talk about it and a big cry too. She told me that she felt weird being with me because she felt like something was always missing and there was nothing that she could do to try help. It was god talking to her about it because even though she has never lost a baby i feel like me and her are so alike and get each other more than anyone else that she did understand my pain and i know that she loved the boys as much as she loves her own daughter. I love that my boys are loved by so many people that had never even seen them.

There was a few people that really disappointed me while i was away. A few people that i used to think of as close friends. These people basically did everything that they could have to ignore me. It really hurt especially because one of those people was the first person to see my boys. She was at my first ever ultrasound when i found out that i was having twins. It felt like she was only my friend because i was pregnant but as soon as there was no babies she didn't want to know me any more. But i didn't let that ruin my holiday i just got over it and moved on. People like that aren't worth it.

Christmas was very busy this year. We had alot of family down this year which was good but i think because i was so busy it wore me out and by the end of the night i had a total melt down. I had been pretending to be happy for everyone else all day but i was miserable. I got drunk which i know i shouldn't have done and i turned into a crying, throwing up drunk mess,k which was not fun at all and to top it off i cut my foot on glass and went for a swim fully clothed and had my phone on my so i fried it. So now because of me being stupid and making a fool out of myself i have no phone. Luckily for me i don't get hangovers so i physically felt ok the next day.

I hope everyone had a nice christmas. I was thinking of all of you and your babies, and wishing that they could have been there with you. I wish that my boys could have been here with me for their first christmas but I'm ok knowing that they were with all of your babies and I'm sure that they were having a heap of fun and getting spoilt rotten.

Sorry this has been so long. I was trying to keep it as short as possible but i didn't want to split it up too much because i have a horrible memory and would have forgotten it otherwise. I still have a bit more to add but i will do it another day.

If i don't get back on here before the new year. HAPPY NEW YEARS EVERYONE!!

Christmas Ornaments

I have been looking everywhere for ornaments for the boys. I haven't been able to find anything that i like. I originally wasn't going to do Christmas this year, i didn't see the point in doing it without them but i thought that i should do it any way for them. So i decided to get them a special little tree and each year i will add a new decoration for them.

It is so hard to find anything nice enough for them. They are all baby's first Christmas and although it will be their first Christmas i don't see how they are quite appropriate. I wanted something that as soon as i seen it i knew that it was the one. So anyway i was looking on etsy the other day and found the cutest hand made elephant ornament that holds a heart that can have a name or date written on it. I loved it but i didn't want to get it because there wasn't a giraffe as well. I don't like getting something for one of them without the other. It is stupid but i feel guilty or something, kinda like i am favouring one. It is usually elephant things that i like but there is hardly ever giraffe stuff. Anyway i have gotten side tracked. I really wanted the elephant ornament but decided against it because i wasn't getting it without a giraffe. So yesterday my sister emailed me ( she lives with me, well actually i live with her, but she knows that i don't like all the emotional stuff she she decided to tell me in an email to save all the awkwardness) that she had gotten me the elephant and a giraffe Christmas ornaments and also another set without all the Christmas stuff. She had already seen them and paid for them before i had seen them, that's why i couldn't find a giraffe there. I am so happy that she did that for me. She was going to wait until they arrived in the mail to tell me about them but because they aren't going to be here before i leave on my holiday she decided to just tell me so i wasn't stressing out and to make sure that i had a good time while i was away. I love my sister so much. she always does the smallest things for me but they are always so well thought out and help the most. She always tells me that she wishes that there was something that she could do to help. I think that because i never talk to her about anything and never let her see me cry and never go to her for help that she isn't doing anything for me but i don't think that she realises that her just being here helps and the little things that she does helps and just knowing that she loves my boys so much helps.

I also found a place that makes personalised ornaments so today i went and designed some for the boys. I got them in the shape of stars and they have their photos on them and their names. I wont get them for a few weeks but i cant wait to see them. So i have gone from stressing out about not having any ornaments for them too having a selection of them.

I will post pictures of all of them once i get them, it will probably be in about 3 weeks after i get home from my holiday. Only 3 days till i leave :)

The count down begins

I am counting down the days until i am on holidays. I really cant wait until i go home, back to a town called Kalgoorlie in Western Australia. Most people think that i am crazy for wanting to go back. It isn't a nice place at all, there is nothing to do there, and most of the people there aren't nice but it is home for me, It is where i was born and grew up, it's where i lived up until moving across the country to Victoria where i live now. I am so excited about seeing all of my friends again. I haven't seen them in about a year and a half. The last time they seen me i was about 3 months pregnant. I miss them so much. Some days i feel like i am going crazy without them. I am stuck in a place where i don't know anyone.

I am a little worried about going back there at the same time. I don't want to go back to my old bad habits. I used to drink way too much, i am actually surprised that i still have a liver.
I was trying to decide if i was going to drink at all when i was back there. I am still a little unsure. It will be my 21st birthday when i am there so i think that i will be drinking for that. I'm not sure. It is such a hard decision to make. I think i will just have to wait and see how i am feeling at the time.

So it is only 6 days until i go away. YAY!!!. I really need this holiday.

My Favourite Quote

Before you, Bella, my life was like a moonless night. Very dark, but there were stars—points of light and reason… And then you shot across my sky like a meteor. Suddenly everything was on fire; there was brilliancy, there was beauty. When you were gone, when the meteor had fallen over the horizon, everything went black. Nothing had changed, but my eyes were blinded by the light. I couldn’t see the stars anymore. And there was no more reason for anything.


This is from new moon the book. I was so disapointed when they left it out of the movie. This reminds me of my boys and how i felt beofre during and after i had them. Well if you replace where it ways Bella and put in Eli and Jett.
Just thougt i would share.

P.S- see i told ya i was addicted.

My addiction

I have a problem with addiction. I think it isn't that bad but anyone that knows me would disagree. This isn't a normal addiction, it isn't drugs, cigarettes, alcohol or anything like that, it is actually a little embarrassing really. I'm not the type of person that usually does something because everyone else is doing it. I like to be different. I really tried extremely hard to stay away from this. I didn't want to like it as much as i did. I tried to make myself hate it but it just wasn't possible. The first time that i was exposed to it i was hooked. I have never been the same since.

I am addicted to twilight. Yes that's right i have an addiction to the twilight saga. I know it is sad. Like i said i didn't want to like it, mainly because it was the big thing i didn't go and watch it at the movies i didn't hire out the DVD i didn't read the books even though a few people tried to make me read them. One night my sister got the DVD and i had nothing better to do so i thought i would watch it just to prove to myself that i wouldn't like it. From that second on i was hooked. the next day i went out and brought all the books and read them in 3 1/2 days. i think i only slept for a few hours in between books. i didn't put the book down until it was finished. I got the DVDs ( 3 disc special addition) and watch the DVD most days.

Before this i hadn't read a book since i was at school other then pregnancy books.

Last night i went and watched twilight at the movies because i didn't see it there when it came out. I wanted to watch the midnight showing of new moon but to my disappointment it had sold out before i got a chance to watch it. So first thing this morning i went and watched new moon at the cinemas. It was amazing. I had the best day. I wore my team Jacob shirt and has my new moon popcorn and drink. Got the best seat. I didn't want it to finish. I definitely recommend everyone watch it.

I really have no idea why i like it as much as i do. I have never been this obsessed about anything before. I think it was because i watched the movie and read the books about a month after the boys were born. It was the first thing that i found could completely take my mind of my crappy life. When i was reading it i wasn't me anymore, i was in Bella's head, it was my escape. It was so nice and i got to feel that again today watching new moon. I wasn't sad all day, i really did have a great day today. That hasn't happened in a long time.

Sorry for this being so long and random but i just wanted to share my escape.

Who are they Missing?....

This is the question that my 3 1/2 year old niece asks when ever she sees someone crying on TV, Movies or in real life. When i say i don't know she asks if they are missing their babies. It really breaks my heart knowing that losing my boys has effected her so much. She shouldn't have had to know what death is at such an early age.

When ever she sees me crying she knows exactly why i am crying and she starts to cry too and tells me that it will be ok and that she misses Eli and Jett too. Just after they were born and she would see me crying she would run out of my room and find her teddy and dummy and bottle and give me her teddy (which she would never let any one have), put her dummy in my mouth and try to force me to drink her milk bottle to try make it all better. The funny thing was that it always worked.

I don't think that she really understands what happened, she knows that they died but i don't think that she really knows what that means. I don't really believe in heaven so i told her that they went to the stars which is my version of heaven. when ever you ask her where they are she tells us that they went in a space ship to see Santa in the stars. I have no idea where she got that from but i think it is so cute that she made something up to help her understand it her way.

The other night she was drawing pictures. She was drawing her family, me, her mum and dad and then she drew 2 smaller people and i asked who they were and she told me that they were Eli and Jett. She has never done that before. It was beautiful. It really made my day. I have been so sad that she wouldn't get to have a relationship with my boys or that she would forget about them but i realised at that moment that she never will forget that they will be with her always.

When ever she sees an elephant or a giraffe she tells me that it is Eli or Jett. I have never said anything to her that would make her associate them with my boys but she has just picked it up from all of their things. She even can tell the difference between their photos. Even just the photos of their feet. I have a photo on my phone wallpaper of Eli's ear and somehow she knew that it was his. It took me a long time to figure out who's ear it was. I should have just asked her, it would have saved me some time.

I really didn't realise what an impact my boys had on her until just recently when i took notice of the things that she does and the questions that she asks. I am so happy knowing that they will always be as important to her as they are to me. Those 3 are the most important people in my life. I really don't know how i would have coped without her here with me. She gave me a reason to keep going. I love her so much. I don't think i could love her anymore even if she was mine. I always thought that when i had my own kids that i would feel more love for them then i did for her but the truth is i didn't. It was exactly the same. I felt the same emotions when i seen her for the first time as when i seen them. Love at first sight.

I love you Eli, Jett and Lani.
xoxoxo

More Name Photo's

Holly sent me these beautiful photos of my boys names. They are so beautiful. Thank you so much. I love autumn with all the leaves falling off the trees. I have only recently started liking it so much. It used to be just another month to me. The town that i used to live in, in western Australia doesn't really do autumn. All the trees there are not the type that lose there leaves. Because that is the only place that i had ever lived i used to think that leaves falling from the trees only happened in other countries or the movies. I really did think that trees in Australia didn't do it. I was so surprised when i moved over here and went for a walk through the park and seen all of the leaves on the ground. The other people in the park must have thought i was the biggest weirdo because i was running through the leaves and rolling around in them. I was having so much fun while my niece didn't think it was that great and was just watching me. Talk about role reversal.

Now that it is spring and nearly summer i am wishing that it was autumn again or better yet winter. I miss the cold, I hate the heat, I have always hated summer. I would b happy if i never had to go through another summer ever again. But the biggest reason I dont want it to be summer is probably because summer was when the boys were born. I really don't want it to be 1 year without them.

Wednesdays for Wyatt - Week Three!

Here we go! Our third Wednesday for Wyatt! It’s quite simple to participate. All you have to do is copy and paste this post on your blog, and go over to Danielle's blog to link up with MckLinky! Once you do that, your all set to win a great giveaway.

So far, we are up to 1,443 signatures! Lets try to keep them steadily rolling in.

For those of you who are not familiar with my family and what we are trying to achieve, here’s a brief run down...

Our son Wyatt was diagnosed with a fatal condition at our 18 week ultrasound, but chose to carry him to term. We waited to meet our son with love, all the time praying we would get to see him alive.

On June 1, 2009, Wyatt made his way into the world by c-section. To our amazement he had a faint heartbeat and was breathing! He died two minutes later, but I’ve clung to the two minutes my son and I breathed the same air since his passing.

Upon calling to get a copy of Wyatt’s birth certificate, I found out he was listed as a stillborn. You would assume it was a mistake (like I did), but there was no mistake. According to the definition of live birth in Tennessee my son was not “alive enough” to be deemed a live born baby. His two minutes of life has gone unrecognized by my state, and I intend to change this piece of legislation so I can solidify the validity of my son’s short life.

Wednesdays for Wyatt was created to help spread awareness for a law that needs to be changed, as well as to generate more traffic to my petition. So if you’re reading this, thanks for taking the time to help our family!

This contest will be open today only. I will close MckLinky down sometime before midnight, so make sure you get linked up ASAP to make sure you are entered to win this giveaway! Thanks for helping everyone, and good luck.

Was it a Sign?

I have been thinking recently about signs. One of my friends that had a miscarrage was telling me about a sign that she got just before her miscarage. She walked into her doctors office to tell him that she was pregnant and laying on the floor in the middle of the room was a dead man. A few days later she lost her baby. Was that a sign? I think it was.

I was thinking back to just before i found out that my boys had died and was trying to figure out if anything like this happened to me. I realised that it did. On the 2nd of January John Travolta's son Jett died.

Before it being all over the news i didnt even know that john Travolta had a son but seeing it all over the news really hit me hard for some reason. I was really sad about it. I felt really sorry for john and his family and couldnt even begin to imagine how he must be feeling to lose his son Jett. I didnt even want to think what it would feel like to lose my son Jett or Eli.

I found out on the 7th of january that neither of my boys had a heart beat. It devistated me. I forgot all about Jett travolta and his family. All that mattered was that my boys had died. I didnt have to imagine their loss. I was feeling it along with them.

I found out from their autopsy that they most likely died on saturday the 3rd of January. technicaly only one day after Jett Travolta. I was thinking about it and with the time diference ( Friday the 2nd of January over there is Saturday the 3rd of january over here) My boys and him died on the same day.

I really think that it was a sign. I think at the time deep down i thought it was a sign too but i didnt want to believe it. I knew something was wrong but i didnt want to believe that either. It took me 5 days to find out that something was wrong. 5 days to get the courage up to go to the doctors for them to confirm my worst fears. Something was wrong. Soemthing is still wrong. My boys arent here where they should be. Thats wrong.

The Secret Garden Meeting- October

Welcome to the garden. A place that is only open for bereaved parents. It is our garden, our secret place to come to. A place to remember our children with those who understand us. It is a place to just be, without worry or fear of not being accepted. May you feel safe to share your hearts here in the garden.

So this meeting we would like to talk about where you are. Where are you at in your grief. Has it been years or just weeks since you lost your baby. How are you feeling. How do you hope you will feel in the future. Have you found any peace at all?

Tomorrow it will have been 10 months since Eli and Jett were born. Those 10 months feel like they have gone by so fast but at the same time it feels like it has been forever without my boys. I am ok most days, well not really ok more less of a mess then i was a few months ago. I am still missing them like crazy but now when i think about them it makes me smile instead of cry. I still cry but its only when i think about what i am missing out on or what should have/ would have been. Mostly i am so happy that i had the chance to meet them. I don't really think that it has gotten any easier or i am any less sad then i was all those months ago but i think i am now sad for different reasons then i was. I used to be sad for losing them but i didn't lose them and i now realise that they will always be with me no matter what.
I don't really have any hopes for the future i just try to take each day as it comes.

Do i have a right

Sometimes i feel like i don't have a right to be this sad. I think about all the poverty in the world and the people who don't have anywhere to live, anything to eat, lost their entire family, live in war and other horrible things like that. I'm sure to these people i have had it easy, and i know that my life isn't that bad but too me it is that bad. Losing my babies is the worst thing that has ever happened to me and probably the worst thing that could happen to me. I would give everything up, i would give my life just to hold my boys again.

Then i think about all the mums that have lost more then me. That have lost 2 babies separately or more then 2 babies. I really don't think that i could have handled that. Losing them both at once was bad enough but having to lose both of them at different times would have killed me even more. And I think about the people that have tried for years before finally getting pregnant only to lose there much loved babies. I wasn't even trying. So sometimes i feel bad for that. I feel bad that i obviously don't have any trouble getting pregnant when so many ladies out there would give anything to get pregnant. I feel bad that i don't have any trouble staying pregnant when some people cant. I feel bad that what happened to the boys wasn't something that is likely to happen again when some people cant have babies because of the chancs of something genetic happening again. Sometimes i feel like i should feel lucky that none of these horrible devistating things have happened to me and if i did want to have more the chances of something going wrong again aren't very likely, not to say that it wouldn't happen again, i know that it could. But i don't really feel lucky. I lost my boys, my life and i don't want more i just want them.

Another huge thankyou

After having a few bad days i was checking my emails and got the perfect pick me up in my inbox. Holly at caring for carleigh made this beautiful video of my boys photos. I love it, it is perfect and amazing. I was in tears watching it. Words cant even describe what it means that she done this for me. So THANKYOU SO MUCH HOLLY you really have made my day/week/month.
XXX

Heartbreaking

So yesterday and today i havent really been in the best of moods. Like i have said before i am a volunteer with a organiseation called Teddy logve club. I got involved with them after i lost my boys. They donate teddies to families that lose their babies so they dont have to leave the hospital with empty arms. I wanted to be able to give back and help other families that were going to have to go through what i was going through. I love doing it. It makes me feel like something good is coming from what i had been through. Even though i would take it all back to have my boys back.
A few months ago i droped about 12 teddies off at my local hospital. I thought 12 was going to be enough to last a while. Well really i was hoping it would be. Anyway i got a call yesterday morning saying that the hospital had run out of teddies and they would like me to drop some more off to them. It broke my heart. I know that this kind of thing happens a lot but for some reason i didnt think that they would run out so soon. I can understand how a hospital in a city or a bigger town might run out quickly but where i live is small. It just makes me so sad thinking of how many people are going through so much pain.

Thankyou!!

I wanted to say thankyou so so much to Danielle at Letting Go and Letting God For sending me this beautiful photo that she took of my boys names on rocks. I love it. As soon as i opened the email and seen this photo all i could do was cry. It is so nice to know that other people that i have never even met before are thinking of Eli and Jett.

Finally....

I have my boys where they should be. Well they should be here with me in my arms butt i know that isnt going to happen so i have to settle for second best. I have finally gotten my boys ash's out of that horrible black plastic box and into their urn. It has taken me 9 months 2 weeks and 5 days to get them there but i am so happy. Everytime that i looked at the container that they were in i would cringe. i hated thinking that they were in there, i hated it so much, but now i look at there pretty box and smile knowing that they are there. Now all i need to do is get the box engraved with there names and birthdays and it will be perfect.

My Precious Little Boys

Together we will always be - for all of eternity
Until our family once again
In our hearts you shall both remain.
My cute little boys, you fought so long
Im proud of you both for being so strong.
I cant explain the pain inside
though it's something I cannot hide.
When i held you close to my heart
I didnt feel so far apart.
My twin boys that could never be
You are the cuttest boys i will ever see.
Until we meet in the stars one night
Forever hold each other tight.

Love Mummy xoxoxox

Wednesdays for Wyatt - Week Two!

Here we go! Our second Wednesday for Wyatt! It’s quite simple to participate. All you have to do is copy and paste this post on your blog, and come back here to link up with MckLinky! Once you do that, your all set to win a great giveaway. Kristi, on of the dear women who follow my family's story has generously donated some handmade buckeye's jewelry. Thank you Kristi!

Over the last week we have gotten 123 new signatures! Over 100 of those we got last Wednesday alone. And we had 34 wonderful bloggers link up... I can't wait to see how much Wednesdays for Wyatt will grow this week!

For those of you who are not familiar with my family and what we are trying to achieve, here’s a brief run down...

Our son Wyatt was diagnosed with a fatal condition at our 18 week ultrasound, but chose to carry him to term. We waited to meet our son with love, all the time praying we would get to see him alive.

On June 1, 2009, Wyatt made his way into the world by c-section. To our amazement he had a faint heartbeat and was breathing! He died two minutes later, but I’ve clung to the two minutes my son and I breathed the same air since his passing.

Upon calling to get a copy of Wyatt’s birth certificate, I found out he was listed as a stillborn. You would assume it was a mistake (like I did), but there was no mistake. According to the definition of live birth in Tennessee my son was not “alive enough” to be deemed a live born baby. His two minutes of life has gone unrecognized by my state, and I intend to change this piece of legislation so I can solidify the validity of my son’s short life.

Wednesdays for Wyatt was created to help spread awareness for a law that needs to be changed, as well as to generate more traffic to my petition. So if you’re reading this, thanks for taking the time to help our family!

This contest will be open today only. I will close MckLinky down sometime before midnight, so make sure you get linked up ASAP to make sure you are entered to win this giveaway! Thanks for helping everyone, and good luck.

Their names in the sky

I wanted to say a big thankyou to Ashley at Babies In The Sky for writing Eli and Jetts name in the sky for me. She done an amazing job i love them so muck so Thankyou. Everyone should go check her blog out and make a name request.

a better day

Saturday was a better day then the past week. The show was on this weekend. I went with my sister and niece. It was a really good day and i actualy had fun. I got quite sunburnt because stupid me forgot ot put sunscreen on. The fire works were on that night so i went back and took my niece with me. I love watching fireworks i always feel so happy watching them. It was really nice to just be there with my niece. I love her so much and love spending quality time with her. Watching the fireworks made me think of the boys. It was like the fireworks were just there for me. Like there was no one else in the world. they were a celebration of my Elijah and Jett's life. Of course to everyone else they were for the end of the show. I hope that they were there watching them with me.
When i started driving home that night a song came onto the radio. I thought it was perfect for how i have been feeling this past week and how i was feeling while watching the fireworks. It felt like a sign from my boys telling me everything was going to be ok. I am one day goign to be happy again.

The song is by Leona Lewis and it is called happy. Here are the lyrics to the song.


someone once told me
that you have to choose
what you win or lose
you cant have everything
dont you take chances
you might feel the pain
dont you love in vain
cause love wont set you free
i could stand by the side
and watch this life pass me by
so unhappy but safe as could be

CHORUS
so what if it hurts me
so what if i break down
so what if this world just throws me off the edge
my feet run out of ground
i gotta find my place
i wanna hear my sound
dont care about other pain infront of me
cause im just tryna be happy, yea
just wanna be happy, yea

holding on tightly
just cant let it go
just tryna play my roll
slowly diasappear, oooh
well all these tears
they feel like theyre the same
just different faces, different names
get me outta here
well i can stand by the side
and watch this life pass me by
pass me by

CHORUS
so what if it hurts me
so what if i break down
so what if this world just throws me off the edge
my feet run out of ground
i gotta find my place
i wanna hear my sound
dont care about other pain infront of me
cause im just tryna be happy
just wanna be happy
oooh

so any turns that i cant see
ill count a stranger on this road
but don’t say victim
dont say anythng

CHORUS
so what if it hurts me
so what if i break down
so what if this world just throws me off the edge
my feet run out of ground
i gotta find my place
i wanna hear my sound
dont care about all the pain infront of me
cause im just tryna be happy
just wanna be happy

I give up

Since my last post things haven't gotten any better. I went back to the funeral home to get the boys ash's transfered into the memory box that i will be using instead of an urn. I prepared myself all day for it and by the time i got there i was feeling ok about being there. so i walked in and the lady knew who i was from the day before, she told me that she was sorry but they wouldnt be able to do it that day but i could leave them there for the weekend and pick them up on monday. there was no way i was leaving them there for that long so i said i would come back another day instead. then later that day i took my niece and nephew to the movies to watch astro boy, which by the way is a really good movie. so after the movie finished i was trying to catch up with the kids and rolled my ankle and fell down the stairs twisting my knee on the way. ( yes it is ok to laugh at my clumsiness i would have if it didnt hurt so much ). then i had to carry one of the four year olds on my hip and the other four year olds on my shoulders while walking 3 blocks home on a twisted ankle. then i had to go to a staff meeting which got cancelled but i wasnt told until i got there. Today i was supposed to go to a meeting for the charity that i volunteer for. i love going to these meetings because all the ladies there are also baby loss mummas. i usually take my sisters spare car but this morning when i got up my sister told me that my brother in law is refusing to let me take the car, which means that i cant go. i was so upset, going to those meetings has helped me so much and is pretty much the highlight of my month. i am so sick of him being such an asshole to me.com i dont deserve it. then to top it all off, nearly everyone that came into work had newborn little boys with them, my ankle and knee were killing me, i felt like i was going to either be sick or burst into tears all day and i kept stuffing everything up so everyone was snapping at me all day.
i can honestly say that today is the first day since the babies died that i have been really tempted to go to the bottle shop and buy a couple bottles of vodka and drink until i cant speak or think.
i am over everything, i am over life, i am over believing that its going to start getting better. I give up.

One of those weeks

I have been having one of those weeks where i just want to give up. I am physically and emotionally drained. I feel exhausted.

I started my new job last week. They don't call work work for nothing do they. I think it is going to take a while for me to get used to being on my feet all day again. I have always done this type of work so it is nothing new but its taking a lot out of me because i haven't worked in about 18 months. Its not just hard on my body but my mind. It is good because it gives me less time feel sorry for my self but it is hard because it gives me less time to think about my boys. The other day an older lady came in for a coffee with a little baby in a pram. I am ok with this as long as i don't look at the baby. So i went over to take her the coffee and she was in the middle of getting the baby out of the pram and she looked up at me while doing it and said to me " isn't my grandson the most beautiful baby you have ever seen?" I thought i was going to have a major breakdown right there, i could feel the tears welling up. I really wanted to say to her that no i didn't think he was and that he wasn't nearly as cute as my boys but i managed to control my emotions and I just tried to smile and walked away as quickly as i could. It probably looked like i was ignoring her and she probably thought that i was a bitch, i felt bad for that but it was the best that i could do at the time.

The week hasn't gotten any better. I am hating being at home my brother in law has been off work sick for about 6 weeks so i have been stuck with him that entire time and he has been nothing to me but an asshole. The only time he is ever nice to me is when he needs something. I usually just ignore him but it is getting so hard lately to do that and he isn't getting any nicer to me. Actually to be honest he is only getting worse. He doesn't want me living in his house which i understand but i don't think he has to be so nasty towards me. He doesn't even acknowledge me when i am speaking to him. he just completely ignores me or says something really nasty. It really hurts because it doesn't matter how hard i try he just gets meaner and meaner. It hurts even more that my sister wont even stick up for me or even recognise that he is doing anything wrong. It feels like he has jammed the knife into my back and she is standing there twisting it in further.

Yesterday i had to go back to the funeral home to pay the cremation bill. I hadn't paid it yet and they were sending me letters saying that it had to be paid. I couldn't bring myself to pay it before. I didn't want to ever have to go back there i hate that place. Everyone there are all really nice but every time i think about that place all i can think about is having to walk away from my boys for the last time.
So i managed to go in there and pay the bill and walk out without becoming a sobbing mess. I was walking back the the car and i could feel the tears coming. I made it to the car and could feel my emotions about to surface. I turned to look out the window and just as i did that a tiny little lady bug landed on my window and started to crawl around. It was like an instant mood booster. It reminded me of Mackenzie . It made me happy and made me feel like i wasn't so alone and that there are so many families out there that have felt like i was feeling at that moment. I hate knowing that it has happened and will happen to so many other people but it is also extremely comforting in a weird way knowing that i am not alone in this.
The lady bug stayed on my window until i had calmed down and then flew away. It was like it stayed there to make sure that i was ok.

I have to go back there today to get my boys ash's transfered into their urn. I hope today that it will be a little easier for me.

Pregnancy and Infan Loss Rememberance Day

Thursday was pregnancy and infant loss rememberance day. At 7 pm i lit up my candles. I lit some for Eli and Jett and i lit some up im memory of all of the other angel babies.


Jett's candle
Eli's candle
Candles for all of the angel babies.

And i lit sparklers in memory of all of the beautiful babies from all of the blogs that i love to read.

These candles were lit by a lovely lady that i used to work with when i was 15. One of my friends also lit 2 candles for Eli and Jett but i cant seem to be able to upload the photo.



We thought of you today,
But that is nothing new
We thought of you yesterday
And will tomorrow, too
We think of you in silence
And make no outward show
For what it meant to lose you
Only those who love you know
Remembering you is easy
We do it everyday
It's the heartache of losing you
That will never go away.

Mummy loves you more then all the stars in the sky Eli and Jett.
XOXOXOXOXO

My tattoo

Today i got my tattoo for the boys finished. I love it so much he done an amazing job. He quoted me $400 for today's work but ended up doing it and re doing another one of my tattoos for me and all he charged me was $350. Today was also Eli and Jett's 9 month anniversary for their birth so it really felt so special and fitting to get their tattoo finished today. And it was also a great distraction for me. If i wasn't getting it done i probably would have just sat at home being miserable all day but instead i was happy all day.

So here is the finished tattoo.


And the other tattoo that he re don for me. I got this done 2 years ago but it got badly infected and there was basically no ink left and i was left with a huge scar. It is he best he could do because off all the deep scarring.



It says 'what goes around comes around' around my ankle.

I start my new job on monday and i am really nervous.
I think that's all i have to say today. It has been a big day and i am exhausted so it is bedtime for me now.
xxx

Another new member :(

There is another lady that i think needs some support. Her name is Rachel. She lost her 4 month old son Beckett on september 2. Could you please go and visit her at her blog The Biggest Loss.

Thankyou so much
xxx

A new member to our club

Shannon is a new member to out club. She lost her precious son Lane in may. Please support her by visiting her blog
Thankyou
xxx

Just a few things...

I have a few little things to say today. Nothing all that exciting really just a few bits and pieces.

I had a job interview the other day and i heard back yesterday that i got the job. I was secretly hoping that i wouldn't get it but i did and that's ok. I think i need to get out and do something with my life other then just sitting at home all day and the money will be good even though it doesn't pay as good as what i would like it too but it is better then nothing. I start on Monday and i am pretty nervous. It will be weird working again after not working since August 08.

I am finally getting my tattoo for the boys finished on Saturday. That is my Christmas present from my mum. I really didn't want anyone else to pay for it i wanted it to be my thing but it has been that long that i just want it finished. I think he said that it should take about 3 hours to finish it. YAY. I cant wait. I hate the feeling of it being incomplete.I am a little worried about getting it done so close to starting my new job but hopefully it will heal like the rest of it did, really quickly.

And finally i packed up the cot. I still had the boys cot in my bedroom where they were going to sleep. I couldn't bring myself to take it away. It was a comfort it being in there even if they weren't in it where they should be. I wasn't sure how i would go taking it down but i was ok. It did upset me a bit but not as bad as i thought i would be. I needed to take it down because i was sick of having no room in my bed room. It isn't a big room but i had my queen size bed, chest of drawers, 2 bed side tables, a small set of drawers, a bar fridge, the cot and 2 really big parrot cages all squished into my room. I had just enough room to walk to my bed and that was all. So with the cot gone i can now walk around in my room again.
I still have all their things out and in the drawers i cant bear to part with it all yet but i am proud of myself for being able to put the cot away.

That's all i have today i think. I will put up a photo on Saturday of the finished tattoo.

Hope Collage

This is the boys Hope Collage. Thankyou so much to Franchesca at Abiding Hope Collages for doing this for me. I love it, it is absolutly perfect. I put a request in and the next day not even 24 hours later it was finished.

My Baby Boys

I was looking through my photos of my boys today and i realised that i havent posted any here yet so I thought I would share some of them.

Me just before i went to the hospital to have them


This is Eli

And this is Jett

Me and my BIG boys

I decorated their casket with the wall stickers that i was going to put up in their room. I have matching stickers in my room.

Job interview

I had a interview for a job at a cafe today. I still dont really know how i am feeling about it all. I really do want to work and i hate not having a job or money but I'm not too sure if i am really ready to go back to working. I know that i will prolly never be fully ready to work but it is really starting to scare me. I am so lucky that i live somewhere that i can have that much time out of work and i know that many people don't have that kind of chance to do it but i hate that it isn't really my choice to start work again and that i am being forced into looking and applying for work even if the job isn't something that i really want to do. It sucks. But this job is something that i am ok with doing and don't have alot of pressure involved and i think that the interview went well. I was stressing out quite a bit in the lead up to the interview. I was stressing out that i would get asked questions about why i haven't worked since August 08 and i didn't know what i was going to say. I didn't want to tell them that i was pregnant and that my babies died but i didn't really want to lie either. So when the question was asked i just said that i haven't worked in that time because i moved interstate, they then asked me why i moved and i just said that it was because all of my family moved out of the state and i thought that it would be a good thing for me to move too. It wasn't a lie but it wasn't the entire truth either. I know that it probably doesn't look real good not working in over a year but i thought that it would be worse if i broke down and cried in the middle of a job interview.

I should hear by Monday if i got the job or not and then if i did training will start on the 12th. Hopefully if i do get the job i am ready and it isn't too hard to start working again.

The Secret Garden Meeting!!

I missed out on doing last months secret garden meeting because i was away. So here is this months entry.

What has helped you through out this new life the most?

There have been a few things that have helped me since losing my boys i cant really just pick one thing, so i am just going to share all of them.

I think my neice has helped me the most. She doesnt really know what happened but just being with her has really helped me to deal with things better.

I got a tattoo done for them about 2 months after Eli and Jett were born and that was also one of the main things that helped me. It still isnt finished yet but hopefully it will be finished in the next few weeks. Getting it done made me feel like they were still apart of me.
This is a pic of what it looks like at the moment.



Another thing that has really helped me accept everything that has happened was going away to a healing center for 3 weeks. I learnt a few diferent ways to help me when i am feeling really sad like meditation and tai chi.

Music has always been something that i have listened to when i need a bit of a pick me up so when i am feeling upset or i need something to remind me of my boys i listen to the music that they were born to. At first this music made me sad and cry alot but now when ever i hear it i feel happy and it makes me smile.

this is the song that Jett was born too. I love it so much every time that i hear it i think of them.

Parrot talk

About a month after my boys were born i decided to leave the house for the first time and go for a walk down the street. Being stuck in the house 24 hrs a day was driving me even crazier. I walked for about half an hour and then decided that seeing people wasn't what i needed so i started to head home. I am not an animal person at all and have never wanted pets but for some reason i walked into the pet shop on my way home and just as i was laving i seen a parrot next to the counter and asked the owner of the shop about it. He told me that she was an Eclectus parrot. She was so pretty. Then the owner told me that there was some babies out the back if i was interested. So i went and had a look and fell in love with one of them. I went home that night and couldn't stop thinking about her so i decided that i would go back the next day and have another look. Well the next day came and i still badly wanted her so i went and got the money and paid for her. I named her Zaza. I had to wait to get a licence before i could bring her home with me but i went down everyday to hand feed her give her time to get to know me better. On one of my visits to see her there was another baby there a boy who was about 3 weeks old and only had about 4 feathers. I also fell in love with him so decided to get him too. He was originally supposed to be my sisters and she named him Kermit. I think she kind of got sick of him so i took over as his mummy. I think they were the only things that kept me as sane as possible in those first few months. Zaza's birthday is 6 days before mine and Kermit's birthday is 6 days before Eli and Jett's. It really was meant to be.

I am in the process of weaning them at the moment so they aren't very happy with me. Zaza has been non stop talking since i got her home and has decided to call me Auntie Rikki even though i have tried to teach her to call me mama. They both Copy every ones laughs and even laugh at you if you trip over or hurt yourself in some other way. I love them so much.


This is both of them a few months ago. Zaza is the red one and Kermit is the green one


This is Kermit a few weeks after we got him home. He still doesnt have all of his feathers yet and has just had a feed. He is a very messy eater


And my Zaza just after one of her feeds. I swear they have a competition going between them on who can make the most mess. Zaza usualy wins these competitions.

My Awesome birthday present

When i was 14 weeks pregnant i moved interstate to live with my sister and her family. I didnt really want to move but i knew that it would be allot easier if i had some help. So i packed up and sold everything i owned and moved to Victoria with 2 suitcases. It was so hard leaving everyone i knew and all my friends. I had never even been to Victoria before i got on that plane. Apart from my sister and her family i only know maybe 3 people over here but i only see them maybe once a month. I am going crazy seeing the same people everyday. I miss all of my friends so much. I am so excited today and could hardly sleep last night because yesterday my mum booked me plane tickets to go back to Western Australia the place that i was born and grew up. She got them for me for my 21st birthday present. All i wanted to do for my birthday was to go back home and see all of my friends. I really didnt want to be here in a place that i hate being for my 21st birthday. I am so happy and now i have something really good to look forward too. I love my mum so much.
HURRY UP DECEMBER.

My Time Away

Well i got back home last Sunday after being away for 3 weeks i have had so much to do since being home that i wasn't left with allot of computer time.

I was so nervous turning up at the center, i didn't know what to expect and had never experienced any of the therapies that they had, I hadn't even ever had a massage before going there. I pretty much kept to myself the first day that i was there but after that i relaxed a little and i really enjoyed myself.

My days started at 5 am with tai chi and qi gong. I didn't think that i would really like them as much as i did. Then i had breakfast and showered and got ready for the rest of the day. Therapies started at 930 am then the next one was at 11 am then we had lunch. After lunch we had meditation and then another therapy session. after the 3rd therapy of the day we got free time until dinner.

Before i went to the center i was going to bed at 5 am and waking up at 2pm each day so having to get up at 5 am killed me for the first few days but now i go to bed at 9.30 each night and am up by 7am. It really does make a huge difference to my energy and everything.

I was really skeptical about kinesology at first and didn't think that it could possibly work but i soon became a believer after she got rid of my migraine in 30 Min's. I had even given up on pain killers and excepted the fact that there was nothing that could get rid of them once i got one so after she done that i was extremely surprised. I had quite a few sessions of shiatsu which i love and i also got a few massages which took a little bit for me to be OK with, but now i really like them. Acupuncture i am still not a big fan of. i went in there thinking that it was going to be something that i would really enjoy but after the first few sessions that i had realised that it wasn't going to get any better. But it did work and i felt allot better after each session. I had never wanted to see a councilor but i had to see one while i was there. I had a lady named Jules and she was really nice. A bit wacky but i think that was what i loved about her. I opened up allot with her and was surprised about what i found out about myself. I made allot of new friends, everyone there was so nice and i got along with everyone really well. I even had a few laughs there.

On the Saturday before i left they held a little ceremony/ ritual thingy for me to help me let go a bit. i have been holding onto the boys and everything else that came with losing them so tight and didn't want to let any of it go. I was too scared to let the pain go, or to have fun or enjoy what i have left because i thought that if i done those things that it would mean forgetting them or getting over it. I now realise that i needed to let go a little to make the memories stronger and better.
Any way back to the ritual. It wasn't anything big just something little with some of the special ladies from the center that wanted to share it with me.
The center that i was staying at was right on the river so we all walked down the river listening to music and stopped at a little waterfall water feature thing. I found a beautiful poem that said exactly what i was feeling towards everyone at the center that helped me so much ( i will put it at the end of the post). I got one of the ladies to read it for me because i didn't think that i would b able to do it with out turning into a blubbering mess. Then we listened to the songs that Eli and Jett were born to and i released a blue balloon for Elijah and a green balloon for Jett ( those are their colours) and a white balloon for one of my friends that had had a miscarriage not long after i lost the boys. She didn't know that was what the white balloon was for until i told her later. I had attached little poems to the two coloured balloons. We watched them float away. I bawled my eyes out. I felt a weight come off of me watching them disappear. Then everyone who was their with me also released a white balloon for the boys and we watched them fly away dancing in the wind together. it was so beautiful. When i looked around i was so touched that everyone there was crying with me which made me cry even more. I am so lucky to have found such a beautiful bunch of people. We all stood there in a group hug crying until their songs had finished then walked back to the center and i showed them some photos of Eli and Jett. I didnt get any photos of the balloon release because my brand new camera decided that it wasnt going to work.

Being away really changed me i think. I am more like the old Rikki. Not the same but as close as i can get. I know that i will never be the same as i was but i am have excepted that and am OK with it. I think if anything i would prefer to be this new me. I am a better person now. I have lost the most important thing in my life, my babies but i have felt what it is to love. I don't think that there is anything in the world that would top that feeling when you see your babies for the first time even if they will never look back and see you.


This is the poem that i had read out at the balloon release


Shattered Dreams

My hopes & dreams are shattered - no longer do they last,
The babies that I longed for are now a memory in my past.
How do I fill this emptiness that's eating me up inside?
I am overcome with sorrow when I should be feeling pride.
The hurt that I've discovered is tugging at my heart,
I don't know if I can bear the thought of having us apart.

Where has everybody gone to? I call but no-one's there,
Does anyone really want to know? cause I really need to share!

Then in my darkest hours comes a hand from up above,
Perfect strangers have arrived to offer guidance & love.
Angels who have been where I am & understand my grief,
Who gave me the strength to carry on & fill me with belief.
No longer do I feel alone in this world of silent stares,
For I have found true kindness in people who really care.

My pain is now a lot easier to bare - partly because of you,
Thanks so much for your support in helping me start anew.
I cannot replace what I have lost but I know that I have gained...
A better perspective & meaning of life that will always remain.