The Secret Garden Meeting!!

I missed out on doing last months secret garden meeting because i was away. So here is this months entry.

What has helped you through out this new life the most?

There have been a few things that have helped me since losing my boys i cant really just pick one thing, so i am just going to share all of them.

I think my neice has helped me the most. She doesnt really know what happened but just being with her has really helped me to deal with things better.

I got a tattoo done for them about 2 months after Eli and Jett were born and that was also one of the main things that helped me. It still isnt finished yet but hopefully it will be finished in the next few weeks. Getting it done made me feel like they were still apart of me.
This is a pic of what it looks like at the moment.



Another thing that has really helped me accept everything that has happened was going away to a healing center for 3 weeks. I learnt a few diferent ways to help me when i am feeling really sad like meditation and tai chi.

Music has always been something that i have listened to when i need a bit of a pick me up so when i am feeling upset or i need something to remind me of my boys i listen to the music that they were born to. At first this music made me sad and cry alot but now when ever i hear it i feel happy and it makes me smile.

this is the song that Jett was born too. I love it so much every time that i hear it i think of them.

Parrot talk

About a month after my boys were born i decided to leave the house for the first time and go for a walk down the street. Being stuck in the house 24 hrs a day was driving me even crazier. I walked for about half an hour and then decided that seeing people wasn't what i needed so i started to head home. I am not an animal person at all and have never wanted pets but for some reason i walked into the pet shop on my way home and just as i was laving i seen a parrot next to the counter and asked the owner of the shop about it. He told me that she was an Eclectus parrot. She was so pretty. Then the owner told me that there was some babies out the back if i was interested. So i went and had a look and fell in love with one of them. I went home that night and couldn't stop thinking about her so i decided that i would go back the next day and have another look. Well the next day came and i still badly wanted her so i went and got the money and paid for her. I named her Zaza. I had to wait to get a licence before i could bring her home with me but i went down everyday to hand feed her give her time to get to know me better. On one of my visits to see her there was another baby there a boy who was about 3 weeks old and only had about 4 feathers. I also fell in love with him so decided to get him too. He was originally supposed to be my sisters and she named him Kermit. I think she kind of got sick of him so i took over as his mummy. I think they were the only things that kept me as sane as possible in those first few months. Zaza's birthday is 6 days before mine and Kermit's birthday is 6 days before Eli and Jett's. It really was meant to be.

I am in the process of weaning them at the moment so they aren't very happy with me. Zaza has been non stop talking since i got her home and has decided to call me Auntie Rikki even though i have tried to teach her to call me mama. They both Copy every ones laughs and even laugh at you if you trip over or hurt yourself in some other way. I love them so much.


This is both of them a few months ago. Zaza is the red one and Kermit is the green one


This is Kermit a few weeks after we got him home. He still doesnt have all of his feathers yet and has just had a feed. He is a very messy eater


And my Zaza just after one of her feeds. I swear they have a competition going between them on who can make the most mess. Zaza usualy wins these competitions.

My Awesome birthday present

When i was 14 weeks pregnant i moved interstate to live with my sister and her family. I didnt really want to move but i knew that it would be allot easier if i had some help. So i packed up and sold everything i owned and moved to Victoria with 2 suitcases. It was so hard leaving everyone i knew and all my friends. I had never even been to Victoria before i got on that plane. Apart from my sister and her family i only know maybe 3 people over here but i only see them maybe once a month. I am going crazy seeing the same people everyday. I miss all of my friends so much. I am so excited today and could hardly sleep last night because yesterday my mum booked me plane tickets to go back to Western Australia the place that i was born and grew up. She got them for me for my 21st birthday present. All i wanted to do for my birthday was to go back home and see all of my friends. I really didnt want to be here in a place that i hate being for my 21st birthday. I am so happy and now i have something really good to look forward too. I love my mum so much.
HURRY UP DECEMBER.

My Time Away

Well i got back home last Sunday after being away for 3 weeks i have had so much to do since being home that i wasn't left with allot of computer time.

I was so nervous turning up at the center, i didn't know what to expect and had never experienced any of the therapies that they had, I hadn't even ever had a massage before going there. I pretty much kept to myself the first day that i was there but after that i relaxed a little and i really enjoyed myself.

My days started at 5 am with tai chi and qi gong. I didn't think that i would really like them as much as i did. Then i had breakfast and showered and got ready for the rest of the day. Therapies started at 930 am then the next one was at 11 am then we had lunch. After lunch we had meditation and then another therapy session. after the 3rd therapy of the day we got free time until dinner.

Before i went to the center i was going to bed at 5 am and waking up at 2pm each day so having to get up at 5 am killed me for the first few days but now i go to bed at 9.30 each night and am up by 7am. It really does make a huge difference to my energy and everything.

I was really skeptical about kinesology at first and didn't think that it could possibly work but i soon became a believer after she got rid of my migraine in 30 Min's. I had even given up on pain killers and excepted the fact that there was nothing that could get rid of them once i got one so after she done that i was extremely surprised. I had quite a few sessions of shiatsu which i love and i also got a few massages which took a little bit for me to be OK with, but now i really like them. Acupuncture i am still not a big fan of. i went in there thinking that it was going to be something that i would really enjoy but after the first few sessions that i had realised that it wasn't going to get any better. But it did work and i felt allot better after each session. I had never wanted to see a councilor but i had to see one while i was there. I had a lady named Jules and she was really nice. A bit wacky but i think that was what i loved about her. I opened up allot with her and was surprised about what i found out about myself. I made allot of new friends, everyone there was so nice and i got along with everyone really well. I even had a few laughs there.

On the Saturday before i left they held a little ceremony/ ritual thingy for me to help me let go a bit. i have been holding onto the boys and everything else that came with losing them so tight and didn't want to let any of it go. I was too scared to let the pain go, or to have fun or enjoy what i have left because i thought that if i done those things that it would mean forgetting them or getting over it. I now realise that i needed to let go a little to make the memories stronger and better.
Any way back to the ritual. It wasn't anything big just something little with some of the special ladies from the center that wanted to share it with me.
The center that i was staying at was right on the river so we all walked down the river listening to music and stopped at a little waterfall water feature thing. I found a beautiful poem that said exactly what i was feeling towards everyone at the center that helped me so much ( i will put it at the end of the post). I got one of the ladies to read it for me because i didn't think that i would b able to do it with out turning into a blubbering mess. Then we listened to the songs that Eli and Jett were born to and i released a blue balloon for Elijah and a green balloon for Jett ( those are their colours) and a white balloon for one of my friends that had had a miscarriage not long after i lost the boys. She didn't know that was what the white balloon was for until i told her later. I had attached little poems to the two coloured balloons. We watched them float away. I bawled my eyes out. I felt a weight come off of me watching them disappear. Then everyone who was their with me also released a white balloon for the boys and we watched them fly away dancing in the wind together. it was so beautiful. When i looked around i was so touched that everyone there was crying with me which made me cry even more. I am so lucky to have found such a beautiful bunch of people. We all stood there in a group hug crying until their songs had finished then walked back to the center and i showed them some photos of Eli and Jett. I didnt get any photos of the balloon release because my brand new camera decided that it wasnt going to work.

Being away really changed me i think. I am more like the old Rikki. Not the same but as close as i can get. I know that i will never be the same as i was but i am have excepted that and am OK with it. I think if anything i would prefer to be this new me. I am a better person now. I have lost the most important thing in my life, my babies but i have felt what it is to love. I don't think that there is anything in the world that would top that feeling when you see your babies for the first time even if they will never look back and see you.


This is the poem that i had read out at the balloon release


Shattered Dreams

My hopes & dreams are shattered - no longer do they last,
The babies that I longed for are now a memory in my past.
How do I fill this emptiness that's eating me up inside?
I am overcome with sorrow when I should be feeling pride.
The hurt that I've discovered is tugging at my heart,
I don't know if I can bear the thought of having us apart.

Where has everybody gone to? I call but no-one's there,
Does anyone really want to know? cause I really need to share!

Then in my darkest hours comes a hand from up above,
Perfect strangers have arrived to offer guidance & love.
Angels who have been where I am & understand my grief,
Who gave me the strength to carry on & fill me with belief.
No longer do I feel alone in this world of silent stares,
For I have found true kindness in people who really care.

My pain is now a lot easier to bare - partly because of you,
Thanks so much for your support in helping me start anew.
I cannot replace what I have lost but I know that I have gained...
A better perspective & meaning of life that will always remain.

Another kick in the guts

Once a month i go to a fundraising meeting for a group that i volunteer for called teddy love club.I had one of those meetings last Saturday the day before i left the center. I was having a pretty good but emotional day up until i walked into the meeting. There was a new lady there who had lost a baby a few years ago but she had a new baby that was 4 months old. I was fine with having the baby there. I get a little uncomfortable around little babies but not too bad so i was fine and then one of the other ladies asked her what the babies name was and she said Eli. As soon as she said that all of the good feelings that i had that day came crashing down. I think being in that room with her and the baby was one of the hardest things that i have had too face since losing the boys. It took all i had not to break down and start crying right there. She came over at one stage with the baby and was talking to the group of ladies that i was standing with and i felt so bad because i couldn't even look at her while she was talking i had to pretty much ignore her. I felt bad because she didn't know that one of my babies names is Eli but it was either ignore her, break down in front of a heap of people i didn't know or leave so i chose to stick to meeting out and just pretend that there wasn't a baby with the same name as mine in the room when it should have been my Eli that was there.
I felt stupid for feeling like that he wasn't the same age as my Eli would have been, he didn't look anything like my Eli did he was really light with straight blond hair and my Eli was dark with curly black hair but just hearing the name on someone Else's baby was too much for me to handle. As soon as the meeting was finished me and my friend who could See how upset i was left right away. I hate being like that and letting something like that get to me. It seems like when ever i start to have fun and become more positive about things something like that happens to push me back into the dirt. i hate it feeling like that.

In my last post i said that i was going away for a week. Well it has ended up being 3 weeks i am still here but havent had any internet access while here. I am having an amazing time here and feel so much happier then i was just 2 and a half weeks ago. i still have a long way to go but i think this is my kick in the butt to at least try to have a life. I find it extremely hard to open up to people but i didnt realise until i og there how difficult it was for me but i am slowly finding it easier. This entire experience being at the center has helped me so much and i am so grateful to be able to be here. The owners also have offered me a job one day a week cleaning the center for a little but of extra money with is so nice of them, they really are extremely kind and generous people. If any one wants to check out their website to see the types of therapies that i have been having it is www.iwhrr.com.au
Well i must get going dont have alot of time on the net but i will post more about my experience when i get back home on monday.