Tomorrow i am going away for a week. I am so excited to get an entire weeks away to myself and not have to worry about anything. I am going to a place called a health repair & recovery center. I am going there to try and sort out my problems and try to become happier. I get to spend the week getting pampered with massages, acupuncture, yoga, tai chi, Kinesiology ( i have no idea what that is), Art Therapy, Meditation, Reiki , spa , gym and a heap of other things. I cant wait. After moving interstate just over a year ago i have only made one friend and she works there. She invited me to go there to help me with everything and i don't have to pay for it they are going to let me go for free. Usually it is $5000 for the week. It means so much to me that she thinks that i am worth it. I really think that it is exactly what i need and i hope that after this week is over that it has made a real difference. It is probably going to be weird for me at first because i will be way out of my comfort zone but i am going to make an effort to enjoy it all once i get past the strangers touching me and everything.
When i get back i will b relaxed and a new me hopefully :)
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Taking it all for granted
A few weeks ago i found out a friend of mine was pregnant with twins. I got pretty upset about it. Anyway i told myself to just get over it and that i was just being stupid. I didnt really get over it but i managed to stop myself from thinking about it.
Tonight i was talking to her on facebook and she was saying how she was going to quit work soon and i asked why, she told me it was because nobody there cared how she was feeling. I know what it is like when you work with people that treat you like crap so i thought that's what she was talking about. So then she was explaining to me what they were doing and i got so angry it was lucky that we were only mesaging each other or i would have probably yelled at her. she said that they didnt care how she was feeling and that she felt like crap and her back was soooo sore and she was sick and it went on and on and on. She said that no one ever asked her how she was feeling and if she was ok so she has to winge and complain to them all day and she wants the pregnancy to hurry up because she is in soooo much pain and her back hurts way too much.
I just wanted to yell at her that she should appreciate what she has cos it can all be taken away too soon and that the pain that she is going through at 11 weks pregnant is nothing compared to what she will be going through if she is still pregnant at full term and it definantly is nothing compared to what i had to go through with my twins finding out that they had died and knowing that i was giving birth to dead babies. Grrr it pisses me off so much. And whats worse is that im sure that she is the type of person that will bitch and complain once the babies are born that it is too hard and that she is so tired and all that other stuff that i would give anything to experience.
But im not i am the one that is tired because i cant sleep i am too sad to sleep and everything is too hard for me the pain is too much i would giv anything for sleepless nights if it meant that my boys would still be here, i would be happy to go through anything for that i would chop my own legs off with no pain rliefe for even one slpless night with them but she doesnt get that she just takes it all for granted.
Tonight i was talking to her on facebook and she was saying how she was going to quit work soon and i asked why, she told me it was because nobody there cared how she was feeling. I know what it is like when you work with people that treat you like crap so i thought that's what she was talking about. So then she was explaining to me what they were doing and i got so angry it was lucky that we were only mesaging each other or i would have probably yelled at her. she said that they didnt care how she was feeling and that she felt like crap and her back was soooo sore and she was sick and it went on and on and on. She said that no one ever asked her how she was feeling and if she was ok so she has to winge and complain to them all day and she wants the pregnancy to hurry up because she is in soooo much pain and her back hurts way too much.
I just wanted to yell at her that she should appreciate what she has cos it can all be taken away too soon and that the pain that she is going through at 11 weks pregnant is nothing compared to what she will be going through if she is still pregnant at full term and it definantly is nothing compared to what i had to go through with my twins finding out that they had died and knowing that i was giving birth to dead babies. Grrr it pisses me off so much. And whats worse is that im sure that she is the type of person that will bitch and complain once the babies are born that it is too hard and that she is so tired and all that other stuff that i would give anything to experience.
But im not i am the one that is tired because i cant sleep i am too sad to sleep and everything is too hard for me the pain is too much i would giv anything for sleepless nights if it meant that my boys would still be here, i would be happy to go through anything for that i would chop my own legs off with no pain rliefe for even one slpless night with them but she doesnt get that she just takes it all for granted.
Saturday, August 8, 2009
Sad days
I dont know how but somehow my 3 year old neice who i live with always knows when i am having a bad day. No one else knows except her and when i am having one she knows just how to cheer me up. I was having one of those days today and as soon as she realised she asked me if i was mising my babies and then said that she loved her cousins Eli and Dett (Jett) and that they loved me and then asked if i was happy now. It makes me cry every time but not sad tears it also makes me smile. I love her so much i dont know where i would be today with out her.
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
I'm a mum!
I was thinking today about the nicest thing that anyone had ever said to me and i couldnt think of anything. Then i remembered me sitting in the hospital on my bed with my boys in their little plastic cribs, I was just sitting there looking at them, touching them and talking to them telling them how much i loved them while crying my eyes out and then the midwife walked into the room and she looked at me and said " You are such a good mum." At the time and up until now i didnt even realise what an impact that little sentence would have on me or why. I realised today that that is the nicest thing that anyone has said to me and she was a complete stranger. People always say to me that i would have been a good mum to them. I am so sick of people saying that to me. I am a good mum, I am the best mum that Eli and Jett could have and just because they died doesnt make me any less of a mum.
Sunday, August 2, 2009
Urns
I had really been stressing myself out about finding a perfect urn for my boys. Everything that i seen i didnt like, and i dont like that look of normal urns anyway none of them look like they should be for a baby. So anyway i was talking to a few ladys about it and one suggested to not stress myself out about it and i would find the perfect one just when i wasnt expecting it and to maybe think outside the box and think of using something that isnt actually an urn. That was probably the best advice that anyone could have given me. As it turns out i was at the jewelry shop looking for a necklace when i spotted the perfect thing to use for a urn. As i have mentioned before i had a kind of theme for the boys. An elephant and a giraffe. They were part of a noahs arc/safari theme that i had picked. I chose the safari theme because Eli and Jett are half african so i though that it fit, and i liked the noahs arc theme because there was 2 of all the animals. Well i spotted this memory/photo box in the shop and it is noahs arc themed box that you put photos on the outside and there are spaces to engrave the birthdate, weight, name and length. I completely forgot about the necklace and got the box on the spot. Now all i need to get is a bag of some sort to put their ashes into and get it engraved.
Another lady that i was talking to said that she had a huggable urn. It is a teddy bear that you put the ashes into so when ever you want you can hug them. I thought that was such a good idea and i really wanted to get one but they are from memory way over $300 and i just cant afford it. So i settled for the memory box. Today i was out looking for a mattress for my new bed when i came across this cushion. Everything about it reminds me of them. The elephant and giraffe the colours. Eli's colour is blue and Jett's colour is green. I picked colours for them because i didnt want them to match and i thought that if everything they wore was a diferent colour that i wouldnt get them mixed up because they are identicle. It turns out they didnt look anything like each other and i definantly wouldnt have got them confused for each other anyway. So i got this cushion and i was thinking about using it as a huggable urn. It has a zip so when i find a bag for their ashes that none of the ashes will fall out of i can transfer it between the cushion and memory box so i can hug them when ever i need a hug.
The toys that are next to the cushion are the toys that their nana (my mum) gave to them when they were born. They were suposed to be cremated with them but i couldnt sleep without them and didnt want to let them go so i decided to keep them for me.
And this is my little shrine to the boys. It isnt finished yet but it hopefully will be very soon. It is in my bedroom so every day when i wake up it is the first thing that i see. So as soon as i see it i am reminded of how lucky i am to have my boys even if they arent here.
Finding the cushion has made me have a happy day and hopefully i will stay like that for a while. :)
xxx
Another lady that i was talking to said that she had a huggable urn. It is a teddy bear that you put the ashes into so when ever you want you can hug them. I thought that was such a good idea and i really wanted to get one but they are from memory way over $300 and i just cant afford it. So i settled for the memory box. Today i was out looking for a mattress for my new bed when i came across this cushion. Everything about it reminds me of them. The elephant and giraffe the colours. Eli's colour is blue and Jett's colour is green. I picked colours for them because i didnt want them to match and i thought that if everything they wore was a diferent colour that i wouldnt get them mixed up because they are identicle. It turns out they didnt look anything like each other and i definantly wouldnt have got them confused for each other anyway. So i got this cushion and i was thinking about using it as a huggable urn. It has a zip so when i find a bag for their ashes that none of the ashes will fall out of i can transfer it between the cushion and memory box so i can hug them when ever i need a hug.
The toys that are next to the cushion are the toys that their nana (my mum) gave to them when they were born. They were suposed to be cremated with them but i couldnt sleep without them and didnt want to let them go so i decided to keep them for me.
And this is my little shrine to the boys. It isnt finished yet but it hopefully will be very soon. It is in my bedroom so every day when i wake up it is the first thing that i see. So as soon as i see it i am reminded of how lucky i am to have my boys even if they arent here.
Finding the cushion has made me have a happy day and hopefully i will stay like that for a while. :)
xxx
Saturday, August 1, 2009
Where do i fit in?
It seems like everywhere i look there are either pregnant people or new babies. I never really noticed it before but now i cant seem to get away from it. I only have 2 friends that dont have kids or arent currently pregnant, and that is only because they are both gay. I know that i have 2 babies and i am a mummy but i still feel really left out sometimes. I cant be in the childless group and i cant be in the mums group, i am on the outside of both of their groups in the baby loss mums group. I am lucky that i have met some other wonderful ladies that are also in my group but i just want to be back in the other group with my babies like i should be. I dont want to be here. I just want my boys back.
The Secret Garden Meeting!!
How do you see or imagine your baby/ies now that you do not have them with you?
I dont really know how i imagine them to look. I guess I imagine them to look exactly how i seen them last, just newborn babies tiny and perfect except with perfect skin ( alot of their skin had peeled off). I havent had any dreams of Eli and Jett yet but i hope that one day i will have them and i am really looking forward to it. There are alot of things that remind me of them but the main things that remind me of them are elephants and giraffe's, every time i see a giraffe it reminds me of Jett and elephants remind me of Elijah. They are the animals that i had picked out for them while i was pregnant, kind of like a theme that i had and they even looked a little like them. Jett was tall and skinny like a giraffe and Eli was shorter and chubbyier like an elephant. I believe that my boys are still around me, they give me little signs when i need them and it is so comforting to know that they are still here with me in some way.
How did the loss of your last pregnancy affect your choices/decisions about the birth of your subsequent pregnancy?
I dont think that i will ever want to be pregnant again. I have always loved kids and wanted to have alot of kids but i dont think that i would be able to handle it happening again. Losing Eli and Jett has made me too scared to even think about being pregnant another time. Luckily i am singl so i dont really have to think about any of it for a long time. If for some reason i did decide to get pregnant again i think i would be the patient from hell. I dont think the doctors will like me by the end of it. I have learned to stick up for myself and make the doctors listen to me when i know that they are wrong instead of just trusting what they say. I think i would nd up crazy by the end of it.
I love being apart of the secret garden meeting. It is a wonderfull way to support each other and meet new people.
I dont really know how i imagine them to look. I guess I imagine them to look exactly how i seen them last, just newborn babies tiny and perfect except with perfect skin ( alot of their skin had peeled off). I havent had any dreams of Eli and Jett yet but i hope that one day i will have them and i am really looking forward to it. There are alot of things that remind me of them but the main things that remind me of them are elephants and giraffe's, every time i see a giraffe it reminds me of Jett and elephants remind me of Elijah. They are the animals that i had picked out for them while i was pregnant, kind of like a theme that i had and they even looked a little like them. Jett was tall and skinny like a giraffe and Eli was shorter and chubbyier like an elephant. I believe that my boys are still around me, they give me little signs when i need them and it is so comforting to know that they are still here with me in some way.
How did the loss of your last pregnancy affect your choices/decisions about the birth of your subsequent pregnancy?
I dont think that i will ever want to be pregnant again. I have always loved kids and wanted to have alot of kids but i dont think that i would be able to handle it happening again. Losing Eli and Jett has made me too scared to even think about being pregnant another time. Luckily i am singl so i dont really have to think about any of it for a long time. If for some reason i did decide to get pregnant again i think i would be the patient from hell. I dont think the doctors will like me by the end of it. I have learned to stick up for myself and make the doctors listen to me when i know that they are wrong instead of just trusting what they say. I think i would nd up crazy by the end of it.
I love being apart of the secret garden meeting. It is a wonderfull way to support each other and meet new people.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
