I AmGoing To Be OK

Today was my volunteer day in the creche at the gym. I was a bit nervous today because i am now on a different day which means that i was going to be with different ladies.

I was so much more comfortable there today, i don't really know why, maybe it was because the ladies were a bit older and i seem to get on better with people older them me because they are less bitchy i think.

There was a 6month old there today and it was ok because i stayed with the older kids and he hardy cried at all but towards the end of the first hour he started getting a bit unsettled. All the other ladies were busy with the other kids and without thinking i asked if she wanted me to get him and she said yes. Then i realised what i had said and started panicking but i told myself that i couldn't back out now, to just get over it and it wouldn't be so bad. Guess what, it actually wasn't that bad at all. I just picked him and as soon as i picked him up he stopped crying and started smiling at me. It was really nice.

His mum came to pick him up and while she was taking him a lady walked in with a newborn girl, just a few weeks old. and i started getting the shakes. I haven't been that close to a baby that little since the boys died. Right behind her another lady walked in with the other little babies boy cousin who was 4 days younger then the first. I thought here we go 2 babies that look similar and are the same age. Obviously someone is trying to test me today. That is pretty much as close as you can get to twins without them actually being twins.

So the little girl started crying and i just picked her up and she stopped and just looked into my eyes and snuggled into me and went to sleep. She was beautiful. So i put her down and then her cousin needed a feed so i fed him and changed burped him and changed him and rocked him. I actually liked it. I liked the feeling of having a baby in my arms again.

The little girl then woke up and everyone else was busy so i put one of them in a rocker and held the other one and was rocking the one in the rocker with my foot and rocking the one in my arms and i thought that, that is what i should have been doing with my boys. Taking care of both of them by myself, soothing them, cuddling them. But the thought for some reason didn't make me sad. I had a wash of peace come over me. I really think that my boys somehow had something to do with that. They knew that i hated not being able to even look at babies and i needed to hold one (or two) again.

So 3 babies in 3 hours and now i feel good for the first time in a long time. I am proud of myself and today for the first time i really think that i am going to be OK.

Thank you Eli and Jett, for teaching me so much about myself that i didn't even know was possible, you made me realise that i am so much stronger then i thought. I love you you both more then i ever thought i could love anyone. XOXOXOXO