Just popped in quickly to let you all know i am still here. Dont have the internet yet but i am going crazy without it so i am going to try and get it soon. I have been reading all of your blogs when ever i get the chance but that isnt very often so if i have missed something i appoligise. I wanted to say congratulations to everyone who is expecting their rainbow babies. I really am happy for you all.

Living on my own really has made me paranoid. I am so scared that something is going to happen when i am not home like something is going to catch fire and im not going to be there to put it out and i ma going to lose everything of eli and jett's or that someone is going to break into my house and steal all their stuff even though i dont know why they would go for that stuff when there is a tv laptop and all that kinda stuff just sitting there. I turn all the powerpoints off before i go to bed and before i leave to work i check and re check that all the doors and windows are locked i have losked my gate, i dont really know why as you can just step over it but it still could be a deterant couldnt it? then i worry about the nexdoor neighbour whos unit is connected to mine by a wall and i worry that she is going to leave the oven on or something like that and i a still going to lose everything. i dont care about anything in my house except the few things i have left to remember them by. I have all of their belongings packed into a suitcase still. That is the only things that i havent unpacked you know just incase something happens and i need to get out quickly it is there waiting for me.

I think maybe i should get a safe and put their things in there but then what if something happens and i cant get the safe open. Maybe i could leave their things at my sisters house but her house could still get broken into or burned down or one of the kids could accidentally spill something on it or could decide that they want to play with something. i wish that i could just take all of their things everywhere i went. I think it would really help my sanity. Really all this worrying is driving me crazy. I have no idea what to do.

I am quite enjoying working except for some stupid comments that people have made. i have told 2 people there about the boys the first lady casually said 'oh yeah' and the second said 'well this is awkward' Really? thats all you can say after i tell you that my two baby boys died. i spose there is worse things they could have said but the 2 people that i open up to both say something stupid. see thats why i keep everything to myself and dont like meeting new people or opening up to anyone.
I overheard one of the guys at work talking to one of the ladies there and she asked him if he was an only child and he said that he wasnt but his sister died shortly after birth and then went on to talk about his sister and his mother and how strong she was to deal with all of that. It brought tears to my eyes hearing him talking about his little sister. it made me feel like running up o them and saying i knew how his mother felt that i had lost my babies too. i so badly wanted to talk about my boys but those two people that had stupid things to say has made me re think telling anyone about them. I hate that because of 2 peoples thoughtless comments i have to in a way be punished. Lifes not fair but we already know that.

Moving on. Iwent to the doctors the other day and he has refered me for ultrasounds. He thinks i may have endemetreosis (sorry have no idea how to spell it). I have quite a large family history of it and my sister just had an opperation to get it removed. I have been in a hell of alot of pain lately. I am hoping that i dont have this. If i do it will mean i will have trouble in the future getting pregnant and staying pregnant. i didnt realise how much i wanted more babies until i hear that it might be extreemly hard to have them. I really want to be able to hold another one of my babies in my arms. I want to give Eli and Jett a brother or sister one day. Not any time soon but one day i do.

So thats how my life has been in the last few weeks. Hopefully next time you hear from me it wont be all doom and gloom.