I can still remember it like it was yesterday, it still feels like it was yesterday. It really was the hardest day of my life. The final goodbye to my boys at their viewing.
It started off with a call from the funeral home, my sister answered as i was in no state to talk to anyone. She came into my room and told me that they didn't want me to go and see my boys, they basically said that they had been dead too long and they looked 'wrong'. They also said that they couldn't dress them in the clothes that i wanted them to be dressed in because they couldn't move their arms through the arm holes. By this point i was furious. How dare they tell me not to see my babies one last time because of how they look. I didn't care how they looked i was defiantly not going to care and miss out on that little bit extra time with them. I had my sister tell them that i will be seeing them no matter what and they will be wearing the clothing that i gave them no matter what. They told my sister that there was no way for them to dress them so i basically yelled at them that i didn't care if they had to cut the clothes as long as it looked like they were wearing them, so that is what they ended up doing.
So we got to the funeral home and he again advised me not to see them, i gave him the death stare from hell and he let us to the little room that they were in. I didn't really think that they looked much worse then they did when they left the hospital. but apparently they did, i don't really know i personally think that they were absolutely gorgeous. I spent about an hour with them. my mum and sister came in with me but both left soon after to give me some time with them which i was so thankful for.
I wasn't expecting their casket to be so small. It was tiny. They were sharing and they hardly fit in it. They were basically laying on top of each other to fit in it. No real change from what they would have been used to being in my belly really. Like i said i didn't think it would be that small so the toys that i wanted to put in with them didn't really fit but we managed to get them in. We put in some photos and my sister put in a card. I didn't want them to be in the casket because i hate the way they looked so we decorated it with stickers. I think it ended up looking really pretty, well as pretty as a casket can look.
I didn't want to leave but they were closing the place soon so i had to. I didn't think that i could hurt anymore then i was already hurting but i soon found out that i could. What was left of my heart shattered onto the floor when i was trying to say goodbye. I broke down, i had to be carried out the room, All i wanted to do was run away with them. I don't remember the drive home or getting home or the following 4 months. It is all a blank to me after that last goodbye. All i remember is wailing for hours and hours.
