My Time Away

Well i got back home last Sunday after being away for 3 weeks i have had so much to do since being home that i wasn't left with allot of computer time.

I was so nervous turning up at the center, i didn't know what to expect and had never experienced any of the therapies that they had, I hadn't even ever had a massage before going there. I pretty much kept to myself the first day that i was there but after that i relaxed a little and i really enjoyed myself.

My days started at 5 am with tai chi and qi gong. I didn't think that i would really like them as much as i did. Then i had breakfast and showered and got ready for the rest of the day. Therapies started at 930 am then the next one was at 11 am then we had lunch. After lunch we had meditation and then another therapy session. after the 3rd therapy of the day we got free time until dinner.

Before i went to the center i was going to bed at 5 am and waking up at 2pm each day so having to get up at 5 am killed me for the first few days but now i go to bed at 9.30 each night and am up by 7am. It really does make a huge difference to my energy and everything.

I was really skeptical about kinesology at first and didn't think that it could possibly work but i soon became a believer after she got rid of my migraine in 30 Min's. I had even given up on pain killers and excepted the fact that there was nothing that could get rid of them once i got one so after she done that i was extremely surprised. I had quite a few sessions of shiatsu which i love and i also got a few massages which took a little bit for me to be OK with, but now i really like them. Acupuncture i am still not a big fan of. i went in there thinking that it was going to be something that i would really enjoy but after the first few sessions that i had realised that it wasn't going to get any better. But it did work and i felt allot better after each session. I had never wanted to see a councilor but i had to see one while i was there. I had a lady named Jules and she was really nice. A bit wacky but i think that was what i loved about her. I opened up allot with her and was surprised about what i found out about myself. I made allot of new friends, everyone there was so nice and i got along with everyone really well. I even had a few laughs there.

On the Saturday before i left they held a little ceremony/ ritual thingy for me to help me let go a bit. i have been holding onto the boys and everything else that came with losing them so tight and didn't want to let any of it go. I was too scared to let the pain go, or to have fun or enjoy what i have left because i thought that if i done those things that it would mean forgetting them or getting over it. I now realise that i needed to let go a little to make the memories stronger and better.
Any way back to the ritual. It wasn't anything big just something little with some of the special ladies from the center that wanted to share it with me.
The center that i was staying at was right on the river so we all walked down the river listening to music and stopped at a little waterfall water feature thing. I found a beautiful poem that said exactly what i was feeling towards everyone at the center that helped me so much ( i will put it at the end of the post). I got one of the ladies to read it for me because i didn't think that i would b able to do it with out turning into a blubbering mess. Then we listened to the songs that Eli and Jett were born to and i released a blue balloon for Elijah and a green balloon for Jett ( those are their colours) and a white balloon for one of my friends that had had a miscarriage not long after i lost the boys. She didn't know that was what the white balloon was for until i told her later. I had attached little poems to the two coloured balloons. We watched them float away. I bawled my eyes out. I felt a weight come off of me watching them disappear. Then everyone who was their with me also released a white balloon for the boys and we watched them fly away dancing in the wind together. it was so beautiful. When i looked around i was so touched that everyone there was crying with me which made me cry even more. I am so lucky to have found such a beautiful bunch of people. We all stood there in a group hug crying until their songs had finished then walked back to the center and i showed them some photos of Eli and Jett. I didnt get any photos of the balloon release because my brand new camera decided that it wasnt going to work.

Being away really changed me i think. I am more like the old Rikki. Not the same but as close as i can get. I know that i will never be the same as i was but i am have excepted that and am OK with it. I think if anything i would prefer to be this new me. I am a better person now. I have lost the most important thing in my life, my babies but i have felt what it is to love. I don't think that there is anything in the world that would top that feeling when you see your babies for the first time even if they will never look back and see you.


This is the poem that i had read out at the balloon release


Shattered Dreams

My hopes & dreams are shattered - no longer do they last,
The babies that I longed for are now a memory in my past.
How do I fill this emptiness that's eating me up inside?
I am overcome with sorrow when I should be feeling pride.
The hurt that I've discovered is tugging at my heart,
I don't know if I can bear the thought of having us apart.

Where has everybody gone to? I call but no-one's there,
Does anyone really want to know? cause I really need to share!

Then in my darkest hours comes a hand from up above,
Perfect strangers have arrived to offer guidance & love.
Angels who have been where I am & understand my grief,
Who gave me the strength to carry on & fill me with belief.
No longer do I feel alone in this world of silent stares,
For I have found true kindness in people who really care.

My pain is now a lot easier to bare - partly because of you,
Thanks so much for your support in helping me start anew.
I cannot replace what I have lost but I know that I have gained...
A better perspective & meaning of life that will always remain.