Sometimes i feel like i don't have a right to be this sad. I think about all the poverty in the world and the people who don't have anywhere to live, anything to eat, lost their entire family, live in war and other horrible things like that. I'm sure to these people i have had it easy, and i know that my life isn't that bad but too me it is that bad. Losing my babies is the worst thing that has ever happened to me and probably the worst thing that could happen to me. I would give everything up, i would give my life just to hold my boys again.
Then i think about all the mums that have lost more then me. That have lost 2 babies separately or more then 2 babies. I really don't think that i could have handled that. Losing them both at once was bad enough but having to lose both of them at different times would have killed me even more. And I think about the people that have tried for years before finally getting pregnant only to lose there much loved babies. I wasn't even trying. So sometimes i feel bad for that. I feel bad that i obviously don't have any trouble getting pregnant when so many ladies out there would give anything to get pregnant. I feel bad that i don't have any trouble staying pregnant when some people cant. I feel bad that what happened to the boys wasn't something that is likely to happen again when some people cant have babies because of the chancs of something genetic happening again. Sometimes i feel like i should feel lucky that none of these horrible devistating things have happened to me and if i did want to have more the chances of something going wrong again aren't very likely, not to say that it wouldn't happen again, i know that it could. But i don't really feel lucky. I lost my boys, my life and i don't want more i just want them.
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3 comments:
I wish so deeply that you didn't have to lose your boys and that I still had my sweet babies. I too have those feelings of wondering if I have the right. We have lost part of our hearts, our souls, and our future. We have lost something so precious and dear to us. We absolutely have the right to be sad.
XOXO
These feelings never go away, they are so deeply cut into our souls that we cannot accept any answers. I often sit and think about the people who are starving and so poor they cannot shower; and somehow I still come up with angry thoughts, and an acheing sad heart. There is no words to heal this wound, and it just seems as if salt is being poured on it all the time. We have lost a peice of ourselves, and we will never be the same. We have every right in the world to be sad, to grieve an end that was too an early, and a beggining we didn't ever ask for! We have every right to hurt as long as we feel hurt, and cry as long as we have tears. Greiving parents are often overlooked; I understand your hurt, and your sadness. It is allowed. Most definately.
You definitely have a right. It's ok.
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