One of those weeks

I have been having one of those weeks where i just want to give up. I am physically and emotionally drained. I feel exhausted.

I started my new job last week. They don't call work work for nothing do they. I think it is going to take a while for me to get used to being on my feet all day again. I have always done this type of work so it is nothing new but its taking a lot out of me because i haven't worked in about 18 months. Its not just hard on my body but my mind. It is good because it gives me less time feel sorry for my self but it is hard because it gives me less time to think about my boys. The other day an older lady came in for a coffee with a little baby in a pram. I am ok with this as long as i don't look at the baby. So i went over to take her the coffee and she was in the middle of getting the baby out of the pram and she looked up at me while doing it and said to me " isn't my grandson the most beautiful baby you have ever seen?" I thought i was going to have a major breakdown right there, i could feel the tears welling up. I really wanted to say to her that no i didn't think he was and that he wasn't nearly as cute as my boys but i managed to control my emotions and I just tried to smile and walked away as quickly as i could. It probably looked like i was ignoring her and she probably thought that i was a bitch, i felt bad for that but it was the best that i could do at the time.

The week hasn't gotten any better. I am hating being at home my brother in law has been off work sick for about 6 weeks so i have been stuck with him that entire time and he has been nothing to me but an asshole. The only time he is ever nice to me is when he needs something. I usually just ignore him but it is getting so hard lately to do that and he isn't getting any nicer to me. Actually to be honest he is only getting worse. He doesn't want me living in his house which i understand but i don't think he has to be so nasty towards me. He doesn't even acknowledge me when i am speaking to him. he just completely ignores me or says something really nasty. It really hurts because it doesn't matter how hard i try he just gets meaner and meaner. It hurts even more that my sister wont even stick up for me or even recognise that he is doing anything wrong. It feels like he has jammed the knife into my back and she is standing there twisting it in further.

Yesterday i had to go back to the funeral home to pay the cremation bill. I hadn't paid it yet and they were sending me letters saying that it had to be paid. I couldn't bring myself to pay it before. I didn't want to ever have to go back there i hate that place. Everyone there are all really nice but every time i think about that place all i can think about is having to walk away from my boys for the last time.
So i managed to go in there and pay the bill and walk out without becoming a sobbing mess. I was walking back the the car and i could feel the tears coming. I made it to the car and could feel my emotions about to surface. I turned to look out the window and just as i did that a tiny little lady bug landed on my window and started to crawl around. It was like an instant mood booster. It reminded me of Mackenzie . It made me happy and made me feel like i wasn't so alone and that there are so many families out there that have felt like i was feeling at that moment. I hate knowing that it has happened and will happen to so many other people but it is also extremely comforting in a weird way knowing that i am not alone in this.
The lady bug stayed on my window until i had calmed down and then flew away. It was like it stayed there to make sure that i was ok.

I have to go back there today to get my boys ash's transfered into their urn. I hope today that it will be a little easier for me.