I give up

Since my last post things haven't gotten any better. I went back to the funeral home to get the boys ash's transfered into the memory box that i will be using instead of an urn. I prepared myself all day for it and by the time i got there i was feeling ok about being there. so i walked in and the lady knew who i was from the day before, she told me that she was sorry but they wouldnt be able to do it that day but i could leave them there for the weekend and pick them up on monday. there was no way i was leaving them there for that long so i said i would come back another day instead. then later that day i took my niece and nephew to the movies to watch astro boy, which by the way is a really good movie. so after the movie finished i was trying to catch up with the kids and rolled my ankle and fell down the stairs twisting my knee on the way. ( yes it is ok to laugh at my clumsiness i would have if it didnt hurt so much ). then i had to carry one of the four year olds on my hip and the other four year olds on my shoulders while walking 3 blocks home on a twisted ankle. then i had to go to a staff meeting which got cancelled but i wasnt told until i got there. Today i was supposed to go to a meeting for the charity that i volunteer for. i love going to these meetings because all the ladies there are also baby loss mummas. i usually take my sisters spare car but this morning when i got up my sister told me that my brother in law is refusing to let me take the car, which means that i cant go. i was so upset, going to those meetings has helped me so much and is pretty much the highlight of my month. i am so sick of him being such an asshole to me.com i dont deserve it. then to top it all off, nearly everyone that came into work had newborn little boys with them, my ankle and knee were killing me, i felt like i was going to either be sick or burst into tears all day and i kept stuffing everything up so everyone was snapping at me all day.
i can honestly say that today is the first day since the babies died that i have been really tempted to go to the bottle shop and buy a couple bottles of vodka and drink until i cant speak or think.
i am over everything, i am over life, i am over believing that its going to start getting better. I give up.