So i think i am losing my mind. I don't even know what i am doing anymore. Since the boys were born i have had the worst memory, cant concentrate on anything, short temper no patience and the list goes on and on, but since my birthday/ holiday i have started to feel alot better, i don't even really know how to explain it, calm maybe? i don't really know.
It feels like since about a week before the boys birthday i have gone way back down to the really dark days. Just when i was starting to feel a little bit more like myself i get pushed back over the edge. I have absolutely no patience at all, i am moody and snappy, i don't want to get out of bed, i don't want to go to bed and i cant even remember what i did an hour ago let alone a day, week or month ago. I really feel sorry for everyone around me at the moment, I'm sure I'm not the nicest person to be around.
I didn't think that once i started to feel better that it was even possible to feel like this again. Is it even normal? but what is 'normal' anyway. Nothing feels 'normal' anymore. Maybe this is what everyone is calling my new normal. Oh i really hope not, i don't think that i could handle being like this forever, A year is long enough. Wow a year! has it really been an entire year since i held my boys? It doesn't feel like it had been that long, but it has been too long. No mother should have to be away from their children for this long. It's not fair! Why me? Why did my babies have to be taken from me? Why did all of our babies have to die? I hate it. I hate that so many people, good people, are hurting like this. It is so unfair
I am exhausted.
I am over it.
I am sad.
I am happy.
I just want to scream until i have no scream left
Sorry for the depressing post, just needed it out of my head so maybe i can get a little bit of my sanity back, hopefully but i doubt it. I think it has gone long, long ago.
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About Me
- Rikki
- I am 20 years old and a mummy to the most gorgeous identicle twin boys, Elijah Leevi and Jett Leeam who were born on the 10th of January, 2009. They were stillborn at 37 weeks. In the short time that i had with them they taught me so many things, they taught me what it was to live and they also taught me about death. I am lost without my babies and struggle with my loss everyday. Mt life did and still does revolve around my beautiful boys. I am now trying to find a way to live as a babyless mum and figure out where my place in life is.
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6 comments:
I was angry for a very, very, very long time after my son died, followed by two pregnancy losses (unrelated and completely random). The only thing that has helped is anti-depressants (on zoloft right now). I can't believe how much they helped my anger.
I was so tired of being angry all the time!
Just a thought--if it can help relieve some pain, give it a shot.
Tara
Feeling like you are going out of your mind? Me too. Feeling like I have ADD again. I am so tired of this.
I am still angry, and I am 16 months out from loosing E and 7 plus months from lossing L. I think I will be angry for the rest of my life over what happened. I have come to a place where I know I can't change the past, I can't change that they are gone. But I am angry that this ever had to happen, I am angry for what I have been through, twice. I am angry for anyone else that has to suffer such heartache. You are normal, its just part of this long, long journey through grief. *hugs*
do scream until you have no scream left. infact i did that yesterday in the shower.. i think it helped. *hugs* don't ever appologize again for a depressing post, sometimes you just need to get things out. you post as much as you want, however you want and we'll be here to support you.
www.gracefulwillows.blogspot.com
.... i did the same thing. no appologies.
I was incredibly moody and snappy yesterday towards Tommy- poor unsuspecting soul. He hadn't done a thing wrong but it was 2 years after Levi's burial so I think the anger stemed from that. There are days that are better but it's also normal to have the rough days thrown in the mix too.
Peace & love to you!
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