I am back!

I have been away from blog land for a while but i am now back. It is going to take me a while to get through all of the posts that i have missed but i will do my best.

this last month that i have been away has been so crazy for me. First i went on holiday for my birthday then while in was away on holidays my sister who i olive with rang me up and told me that we were moving house and that when i got home they would have already moved ( so anyone that had my old address and needs my new address just let me know and i will send it to you), then when i got home from my holiday i had to go and move everything from my room at the old house to the new house, then i had to go and help get the old house cleaned and ready to hand the keys back to the real estate. A week after i got home we had alot of visitors come and stay with us for christmas and they have only just left yesterday. So it has been pretty full on for me. I am so exhausted now. Last night was the first night that i had slept in my own bed since i got back from holidays and it was so good. I can finally start to relax a little.

So my birthday was amazing. I am definitely never going to forget it. All of my friends back home made it the best ever. I didn't have a party or anything like that i just hung out with all of my friends and went out to the pub but i think just being back home after being away for nearly 2 years was what i really needed. Being back there made me realise just how much i really missed all my friends. The 2 weeks that i was there seemed to go so fast. It felt like i was only there a few days and i had to leave again. It wasn't all fun though. While i was there i had to face one of the hardest things that i think i have had to face so far since losing the boys. My best friend had a baby 3 months ago. She found out that she was pregnant the day after the boys were born. She had a little girl named Jose. She is absolutely gorgeous but it was so hard. It took me 3 full days of being around her to be able to hold her. Once i did all i did was cry. It felt really good to have a baby in my arms but it just reminded me of what i have lost. It was really good because my friend understood. She knew that it was going to be hard on me and she didn't push me to hold her baby. We had a big talk about it and a big cry too. She told me that she felt weird being with me because she felt like something was always missing and there was nothing that she could do to try help. It was god talking to her about it because even though she has never lost a baby i feel like me and her are so alike and get each other more than anyone else that she did understand my pain and i know that she loved the boys as much as she loves her own daughter. I love that my boys are loved by so many people that had never even seen them.

There was a few people that really disappointed me while i was away. A few people that i used to think of as close friends. These people basically did everything that they could have to ignore me. It really hurt especially because one of those people was the first person to see my boys. She was at my first ever ultrasound when i found out that i was having twins. It felt like she was only my friend because i was pregnant but as soon as there was no babies she didn't want to know me any more. But i didn't let that ruin my holiday i just got over it and moved on. People like that aren't worth it.

Christmas was very busy this year. We had alot of family down this year which was good but i think because i was so busy it wore me out and by the end of the night i had a total melt down. I had been pretending to be happy for everyone else all day but i was miserable. I got drunk which i know i shouldn't have done and i turned into a crying, throwing up drunk mess,k which was not fun at all and to top it off i cut my foot on glass and went for a swim fully clothed and had my phone on my so i fried it. So now because of me being stupid and making a fool out of myself i have no phone. Luckily for me i don't get hangovers so i physically felt ok the next day.

I hope everyone had a nice christmas. I was thinking of all of you and your babies, and wishing that they could have been there with you. I wish that my boys could have been here with me for their first christmas but I'm ok knowing that they were with all of your babies and I'm sure that they were having a heap of fun and getting spoilt rotten.

Sorry this has been so long. I was trying to keep it as short as possible but i didn't want to split it up too much because i have a horrible memory and would have forgotten it otherwise. I still have a bit more to add but i will do it another day.

If i don't get back on here before the new year. HAPPY NEW YEARS EVERYONE!!

Christmas Ornaments

I have been looking everywhere for ornaments for the boys. I haven't been able to find anything that i like. I originally wasn't going to do Christmas this year, i didn't see the point in doing it without them but i thought that i should do it any way for them. So i decided to get them a special little tree and each year i will add a new decoration for them.

It is so hard to find anything nice enough for them. They are all baby's first Christmas and although it will be their first Christmas i don't see how they are quite appropriate. I wanted something that as soon as i seen it i knew that it was the one. So anyway i was looking on etsy the other day and found the cutest hand made elephant ornament that holds a heart that can have a name or date written on it. I loved it but i didn't want to get it because there wasn't a giraffe as well. I don't like getting something for one of them without the other. It is stupid but i feel guilty or something, kinda like i am favouring one. It is usually elephant things that i like but there is hardly ever giraffe stuff. Anyway i have gotten side tracked. I really wanted the elephant ornament but decided against it because i wasn't getting it without a giraffe. So yesterday my sister emailed me ( she lives with me, well actually i live with her, but she knows that i don't like all the emotional stuff she she decided to tell me in an email to save all the awkwardness) that she had gotten me the elephant and a giraffe Christmas ornaments and also another set without all the Christmas stuff. She had already seen them and paid for them before i had seen them, that's why i couldn't find a giraffe there. I am so happy that she did that for me. She was going to wait until they arrived in the mail to tell me about them but because they aren't going to be here before i leave on my holiday she decided to just tell me so i wasn't stressing out and to make sure that i had a good time while i was away. I love my sister so much. she always does the smallest things for me but they are always so well thought out and help the most. She always tells me that she wishes that there was something that she could do to help. I think that because i never talk to her about anything and never let her see me cry and never go to her for help that she isn't doing anything for me but i don't think that she realises that her just being here helps and the little things that she does helps and just knowing that she loves my boys so much helps.

I also found a place that makes personalised ornaments so today i went and designed some for the boys. I got them in the shape of stars and they have their photos on them and their names. I wont get them for a few weeks but i cant wait to see them. So i have gone from stressing out about not having any ornaments for them too having a selection of them.

I will post pictures of all of them once i get them, it will probably be in about 3 weeks after i get home from my holiday. Only 3 days till i leave :)

The count down begins

I am counting down the days until i am on holidays. I really cant wait until i go home, back to a town called Kalgoorlie in Western Australia. Most people think that i am crazy for wanting to go back. It isn't a nice place at all, there is nothing to do there, and most of the people there aren't nice but it is home for me, It is where i was born and grew up, it's where i lived up until moving across the country to Victoria where i live now. I am so excited about seeing all of my friends again. I haven't seen them in about a year and a half. The last time they seen me i was about 3 months pregnant. I miss them so much. Some days i feel like i am going crazy without them. I am stuck in a place where i don't know anyone.

I am a little worried about going back there at the same time. I don't want to go back to my old bad habits. I used to drink way too much, i am actually surprised that i still have a liver.
I was trying to decide if i was going to drink at all when i was back there. I am still a little unsure. It will be my 21st birthday when i am there so i think that i will be drinking for that. I'm not sure. It is such a hard decision to make. I think i will just have to wait and see how i am feeling at the time.

So it is only 6 days until i go away. YAY!!!. I really need this holiday.

My Favourite Quote

Before you, Bella, my life was like a moonless night. Very dark, but there were stars—points of light and reason… And then you shot across my sky like a meteor. Suddenly everything was on fire; there was brilliancy, there was beauty. When you were gone, when the meteor had fallen over the horizon, everything went black. Nothing had changed, but my eyes were blinded by the light. I couldn’t see the stars anymore. And there was no more reason for anything.


This is from new moon the book. I was so disapointed when they left it out of the movie. This reminds me of my boys and how i felt beofre during and after i had them. Well if you replace where it ways Bella and put in Eli and Jett.
Just thougt i would share.

P.S- see i told ya i was addicted.

My addiction

I have a problem with addiction. I think it isn't that bad but anyone that knows me would disagree. This isn't a normal addiction, it isn't drugs, cigarettes, alcohol or anything like that, it is actually a little embarrassing really. I'm not the type of person that usually does something because everyone else is doing it. I like to be different. I really tried extremely hard to stay away from this. I didn't want to like it as much as i did. I tried to make myself hate it but it just wasn't possible. The first time that i was exposed to it i was hooked. I have never been the same since.

I am addicted to twilight. Yes that's right i have an addiction to the twilight saga. I know it is sad. Like i said i didn't want to like it, mainly because it was the big thing i didn't go and watch it at the movies i didn't hire out the DVD i didn't read the books even though a few people tried to make me read them. One night my sister got the DVD and i had nothing better to do so i thought i would watch it just to prove to myself that i wouldn't like it. From that second on i was hooked. the next day i went out and brought all the books and read them in 3 1/2 days. i think i only slept for a few hours in between books. i didn't put the book down until it was finished. I got the DVDs ( 3 disc special addition) and watch the DVD most days.

Before this i hadn't read a book since i was at school other then pregnancy books.

Last night i went and watched twilight at the movies because i didn't see it there when it came out. I wanted to watch the midnight showing of new moon but to my disappointment it had sold out before i got a chance to watch it. So first thing this morning i went and watched new moon at the cinemas. It was amazing. I had the best day. I wore my team Jacob shirt and has my new moon popcorn and drink. Got the best seat. I didn't want it to finish. I definitely recommend everyone watch it.

I really have no idea why i like it as much as i do. I have never been this obsessed about anything before. I think it was because i watched the movie and read the books about a month after the boys were born. It was the first thing that i found could completely take my mind of my crappy life. When i was reading it i wasn't me anymore, i was in Bella's head, it was my escape. It was so nice and i got to feel that again today watching new moon. I wasn't sad all day, i really did have a great day today. That hasn't happened in a long time.

Sorry for this being so long and random but i just wanted to share my escape.

Who are they Missing?....

This is the question that my 3 1/2 year old niece asks when ever she sees someone crying on TV, Movies or in real life. When i say i don't know she asks if they are missing their babies. It really breaks my heart knowing that losing my boys has effected her so much. She shouldn't have had to know what death is at such an early age.

When ever she sees me crying she knows exactly why i am crying and she starts to cry too and tells me that it will be ok and that she misses Eli and Jett too. Just after they were born and she would see me crying she would run out of my room and find her teddy and dummy and bottle and give me her teddy (which she would never let any one have), put her dummy in my mouth and try to force me to drink her milk bottle to try make it all better. The funny thing was that it always worked.

I don't think that she really understands what happened, she knows that they died but i don't think that she really knows what that means. I don't really believe in heaven so i told her that they went to the stars which is my version of heaven. when ever you ask her where they are she tells us that they went in a space ship to see Santa in the stars. I have no idea where she got that from but i think it is so cute that she made something up to help her understand it her way.

The other night she was drawing pictures. She was drawing her family, me, her mum and dad and then she drew 2 smaller people and i asked who they were and she told me that they were Eli and Jett. She has never done that before. It was beautiful. It really made my day. I have been so sad that she wouldn't get to have a relationship with my boys or that she would forget about them but i realised at that moment that she never will forget that they will be with her always.

When ever she sees an elephant or a giraffe she tells me that it is Eli or Jett. I have never said anything to her that would make her associate them with my boys but she has just picked it up from all of their things. She even can tell the difference between their photos. Even just the photos of their feet. I have a photo on my phone wallpaper of Eli's ear and somehow she knew that it was his. It took me a long time to figure out who's ear it was. I should have just asked her, it would have saved me some time.

I really didn't realise what an impact my boys had on her until just recently when i took notice of the things that she does and the questions that she asks. I am so happy knowing that they will always be as important to her as they are to me. Those 3 are the most important people in my life. I really don't know how i would have coped without her here with me. She gave me a reason to keep going. I love her so much. I don't think i could love her anymore even if she was mine. I always thought that when i had my own kids that i would feel more love for them then i did for her but the truth is i didn't. It was exactly the same. I felt the same emotions when i seen her for the first time as when i seen them. Love at first sight.

I love you Eli, Jett and Lani.
xoxoxo

More Name Photo's

Holly sent me these beautiful photos of my boys names. They are so beautiful. Thank you so much. I love autumn with all the leaves falling off the trees. I have only recently started liking it so much. It used to be just another month to me. The town that i used to live in, in western Australia doesn't really do autumn. All the trees there are not the type that lose there leaves. Because that is the only place that i had ever lived i used to think that leaves falling from the trees only happened in other countries or the movies. I really did think that trees in Australia didn't do it. I was so surprised when i moved over here and went for a walk through the park and seen all of the leaves on the ground. The other people in the park must have thought i was the biggest weirdo because i was running through the leaves and rolling around in them. I was having so much fun while my niece didn't think it was that great and was just watching me. Talk about role reversal.

Now that it is spring and nearly summer i am wishing that it was autumn again or better yet winter. I miss the cold, I hate the heat, I have always hated summer. I would b happy if i never had to go through another summer ever again. But the biggest reason I dont want it to be summer is probably because summer was when the boys were born. I really don't want it to be 1 year without them.