Once a month i go to a fundraising meeting for a group that i volunteer for called teddy love club.I had one of those meetings last Saturday the day before i left the center. I was having a pretty good but emotional day up until i walked into the meeting. There was a new lady there who had lost a baby a few years ago but she had a new baby that was 4 months old. I was fine with having the baby there. I get a little uncomfortable around little babies but not too bad so i was fine and then one of the other ladies asked her what the babies name was and she said Eli. As soon as she said that all of the good feelings that i had that day came crashing down. I think being in that room with her and the baby was one of the hardest things that i have had too face since losing the boys. It took all i had not to break down and start crying right there. She came over at one stage with the baby and was talking to the group of ladies that i was standing with and i felt so bad because i couldn't even look at her while she was talking i had to pretty much ignore her. I felt bad because she didn't know that one of my babies names is Eli but it was either ignore her, break down in front of a heap of people i didn't know or leave so i chose to stick to meeting out and just pretend that there wasn't a baby with the same name as mine in the room when it should have been my Eli that was there.
I felt stupid for feeling like that he wasn't the same age as my Eli would have been, he didn't look anything like my Eli did he was really light with straight blond hair and my Eli was dark with curly black hair but just hearing the name on someone Else's baby was too much for me to handle. As soon as the meeting was finished me and my friend who could See how upset i was left right away. I hate being like that and letting something like that get to me. It seems like when ever i start to have fun and become more positive about things something like that happens to push me back into the dirt. i hate it feeling like that.
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4 comments:
I just came across your blog and wanted to tell you how truly sorry I am for the loss of your precious boys... it is such a long, tough road that we are all on. I only hope that this community can offer you some support.
I don't blame you for being upset at the meeting. It must have been so very hard...
Hi Rikki. It is so good to hear from you! I am sorry the baby was so upsetting to you. It is hard for me to hear other children being called by my girls' names too. I am looking forward to hearing about your time away...that is if you WANT to share it with us! XX
I am the exact same way. I was trapped at a kids birthday party about a month after we lost Mackenzie with a little girl who looked like I thought Mackenzie would have and of course her name was Mackenzie. And I did lose it. I'm sorry you had to deal with that.
xo
Ashley
ugh, i know how much it sucks just to be around babies when your own are gone, but to hear their names is just so much worse. i just commented on someone else's blog about the name Leila. i photographed a little girl named Laila on friday, the first little girl with the same name (though not the same spelling) as my baby girl since she died. i mean i hear the name more often than i thought i would now, but i haven't actually SEEN a Leila since i was pregnant, and that was only once. i'm sorry that you were trapped in that situation.
sending love,
christy
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