So my life has been a bit full on lately whick you have heard about in my last post so i havent has much time to come on here and read  blogs. Im sure i have been missing some of them so if i have missed anything important i am sorry. I am trying to get on as much as possible but it has been quite difficult. It is going to be even harder from now on because i am not going to have the internet anymore :( but for a very good reason. I am MOVING OUT!! Tomorrow i am moving into a little unit on my own. I am so excited. It has been over 2 years since i have lived on my own and i cant wait to have my own space again. I am the type of person who loves to live alone. I think this is going to be really good for me, getting back to 'normal', working, living in my own place. the down side to this is not getting to see my niece as much nd not having the internet. i never used to use the computer and the internet at all before i lost the boys but then when i lost them i couldnt sleep so one night i decided to look up everything i could find on stillbirth and try to find reasons for why it happened and after that night i was hooked to the net. I found this blogging community and i really thing tht it was this blog and all of your blogs that got me through the first few lonely months. So having to be without it is going to be difficult.

I am going to appologise in advance if i miss anything or any birthdays/aniversaries. I am always thinking about all of you and your babies and i am going to try and keep up with everything.

Well enough blabbering on from me for now. I have to go and pack all of my things, i have had a week to pack and have left all of the packing for the night before.

Xxx

Me and my CRAZY house

Sorry i haven't been around in a while, my life has been a little crazy lately. I haven't been able to get on the computer much as my other sister and her husband and son are now living with us too until they find their own house so our house is extremely full. There is 2 kids, 5 adults, 2 cats, a dog and 2 birds all in our 3 bedroom house! So when i do get onto the computer my time is filled with reading every ones blogs and checking face.book. So i am sorry that i haven't been commenting on your blogs much too.

I have also started working again.I am really liking being out of the house and doing something i think it was just what i needed plus the money is always nice :) I am just working at a pie shop but it is something. And it is always really busy so it doesn't really give me much time to think which is a real plus and then when i get home i am too tired to think.

Being out of the house working has been really good because of my other sister that has moved here. We DO NOT get along at all. Before she got here  we hadnt spoken in about 7 years i think, since i was about 15. We are 2 very different people, she pisses me off so bad and is driving me absolutely CRAZY, so i am really not liking her being here at all. With such a small house there isn't really many places that i can go to be away from her, so when I'm not at work i am being a hermit in my room. At least i am getting trough all of my unread books which means that i can justify getting more YAY! I was hoping that she would have grown up a bit by now but she hasn't.

My friend who had the baby shower a few weeks ago had her baby, a girl last week. I am going to see them and meet her little girl on Wednesday. I am a little anxious. I haven't held such a new baby since the boys but i think it will be a little easier that she is a girl and not a boy. I just hope i don't start crying. But if i do i know that my friend will understand.

I was was flicking through the channels on the TV the other night and stopped on one of the channels and there was a show on that i used to watch a few years ago. I had completely forgot about it and what it was about. So i was listening to what they were saying. It seemed like such a harmless conversation. The man said to the lady ' how was Italy?' then the lady said ' it was great! No one knew me as the lady who's child died' My heart sank, then she went on to say ' but it was also really bad because no one knew my child just died, no one knew my daughter'
I understand exactly how she was feeling. I feel like that every day of my life. There is only a handful of people where i live that know about my boys. I really like it at work that none of them know but at the same time i sometimes wish that they did.

Well this post has been kind of all over the place. I feel like i have so much more to say but right now i cant think of any of it. So i will just leave it for another day.
 Xxx

my first baby shower and a sign

I went to my first baby shower since the boys were born today. I was so nervous, i didn't know anyone else there so i was a bit worried about that too because i am not real good around strangers, put that on top of being around a heap of ladies talking about babies and birth stories and i was freaking out. But i made it and it wasn't that bad. My friend's friends were all really nice. A few of them knew about my boys so i think they knew not to say something stupid, and i was even included in some of the pregnancy conversations and they didn't act freaked out or uncomfortable or anything which was really nice because usually most people steer clear of the topic.

 I also went to the zoo yesterday. I love the zoo. I will have to post some of the pictures soon. Of course all i really wanted to see was the elephants and the giraffes. They were so beautiful. I haven't seen giraffes in person before so that was the highlight of my day. The boys also sent me a sign that they were around too which was amazing. We went into the butterfly house and there was thousands of butterflies flying around we were in there for a while and i was trying to get the butterflies to land on me but none of them would no matter how still i stayed. This may sound crazy but i said to Eli and Jett to make a butterfly land on my head if they were with me and just seconds later a bright orange butterfly landed right on my head stayed for a few seconds, i said thank you to the boys and then it flew away. Orange is my favourite colour. It was so nice knowing that they were there.

Just a reminder to everyone to go over and vote everyday for project sweet peas so that they can continue to help babies in the NICU. They are currently in 17th place and they need to get into the top 10 to receive a $25,000 grant. After you have voted head over to Megans blog MJ'S Memories and leave a comment for a chance to win one of her beautiful awarness braclets. So please VOTE!!!

Weird Dream

I have always had really weird dreams but not many of them really stick with me. Well last night i had the weirdest dream and it had been bugging me all day for some reason. I dreamt that i found out that i was pregnant again, i was so happy and excited to be able to give Eli and Jett a little brother or sister.  So i went in for an ultrasound. I told the lady that i was really nervous because my twins were stillborn. So she said that she would have a better look at the baby. I think i was about 15 weeks pregnant in the dream. Anyway she then pulls the baby out of my belly and hands it to me. It was a little girl and she was so tiny and wriggling around in my hand. I was so shocked that she had taken her out and i was begging the lady to put her back in my tummy where she belonged, and i was saying to the lady that she was in pain but she wouldn't listen to me she said that she would be fine and for me to just wrap her in a blanket. I was just laying there trying to comfort this tiny little baby that was smaller then my hand and reassuring her that everything would be OK. Then sent me home with the little baby and i was walking around the streets with her and people wanted to see her and i wouldn't let anyone see her. There was more to the dream but i cant really remember much more of it. I woke up and i was looking around my bed for the little baby and then i woke up properly and realised that i had just been dreaming. I have no idea what the dream meant but i cant seem to get it out of my head.

Some more beautiful pictures

Thankyou so much to Jill at Vermont Angels For writing Eli and Jetts name in Vermont. They are beautiful.

Michelle from Missing Juanito Wrote my boys names for Easter with a little chick. The chick is so cute! Thankyou so much Michelle it was so nice seeing this.

Laura from Angel Baby Names Made this beautiful picture for me. Thankyou so much Laura you are amazing :)

Telisha made me this beautiful picture for Eli and Jett for Easter. Getting this picture brightened my day made the easter weekend a bit more bearable. Thankyou so much Telisha.

When i was pregnant with the boys i used to hate it that people would look at me and i could see them judging me. I am pretty sure i knew what they were thinking. They were thinking that i was just another immature single 19 year old pregnant girl. I hated it, I hated that they could judge me without knowing me, I gave everything up for my babies, but they didn't see that all they seen was a teenager. Now i would give anything for people to see me that way.

I have realised that i am guilty of thinking like that all the time. I see a teenage pregnant girl and think the same thing that everyone thought of me. I just cant help it, i hate that 'most' of them don't appreciate what they have. Sometimes i think that i should have been upset about being pregnant and angry at my babies for ruining my life and then maybe i would still have them, but the truth is i could never be angry at them and the only made my life better.

I am so mad at myself for thinking that things like this didn't happen to young people, that things only went wrong for older people. How wrong was I.