Failure

Lately i feel like such a failure.
I am a failure to my family, to my friends, to my boys and most of all i feel like a failure to myself. I cant seem to do anything right i couldnt even keep my own babies alive, i cant make any decisions for myself, i am jobless but dont want to look for one, i dont sleep but I am hardly ever awake, im not happy but have no want to be happy again i dont even try, everything that i used to enjoy no longer brings me hapiness, things that should come naturaly to me dont. i have to force myself to smile for everyone else. I am over it all. I give up on trying.

In the last 6 and a half months i have been trying to make myself seem happy to make other people feel better and i hate it. I have only had 2 days of actually being happy and not having to think about what i am doing before i did it. That was when one of my friends came to visit me from WA. I am so alone and it is killing me. I hate being alone and that is what i am everyday. I just want to be surounded by my friends but it is not possible. All i want is to just see them. I have not seen any of my friends except for 1 in the last 11 months, but even though they are a long way away at times i feel so close to them. They have been there for me even if it is just over the phone and i love them for that.

All i keep thinking about all the things that i should have done with my boys in the 2 days that i had with them. Shoulda, coulda, woulda.

There is so many things that i hate myself for not doing. I wish that i had of been able to stand up for my self but stupid me always tries to think about other people. my first regrets are from when i was in labour and the doctor turned off my music, my mum went to turn it back on but i told her not too. I wanted my music on but i was trying not to be anoying. I regret not holding my babies while i had the chance to do it. I held them both for a few minutes but i put them down and didnt pivk them up again. I wanted to so badly hold them but i was scared that i would do something to hurt them. They were so big but so fragile. I was scared that any movement that i made i would make more of their skin peel off or i would drop them or break something. I dont know why i was so scared cos i would never hurt them. I wish i had of been selfish and done what i wanted to do. I had them both right in front of me but i was too scared to hold them and now that they are gone all i want is the chance to hold them, even if just for a minute. I failed to be a mum to them when i had them with, i dont know how if i couldnt be a mum for them then how the hell am i sposed to be a mum for them now.

I have been trying so hard to make up for that now. Everything that i do i think about them and if they would aprove of it or not. I dont drink anymore. Before i got pregnant i was your usual teenager. I went out every night of the week and got drunk. Alcohol made me feel better about myself. It helped me not have to think about what was going on around me. I wanted so badly to just drink as much as i could after i had the babies. I wanted to drink my pain away, but i realised that it wouldnt help me. It wasnt going to do me any good, the only thing it was going to do was make me feel worse so i didnt. I am proud of that. I now realise that i have grown as a person and this has all made me stronger, but i wish that i didnt have to learn that lesson.

Alot of people that i went to school with have had babies and i see them and it pisses me off. They are not good mothers. They drink every night still. they take drugs while looking after their kids. they go out, they dont look after their kids properly, they think that kids have made their life worse and now they dont have a life. All i want to do is yell at them and say be gratefull of what you have and that they dont realise how lucky they are to have them. I wanted my babies so badly and these people that dont want them seem to be able to have them so easily. I would have been a great mum.

I dont want them to be disapointed in me. I dont want to be disapointed in myself anymore. Everything that i have done since they were born was for everyone else. I was there for everyone else, i held my self together so i didnt upset anyone more, I only cried once in front of anyone, i pretended to be ok. The truth is Im not ok and i wish that while i had people trying to help me i had let them. I was strong enough to be there for them but i was too weak to be there for me and do what i wanted to do. I shouldnt have had to hide away in my room and cry myself to sleep every night.

I wish that someone could have told me at the time that i would regret so much. I wasnt thinking at the time. I was in shock, i still am in shock. All i keep thinking is that at least i will know for next time. Next time.... Why the hell am i thinking that. There will be no next time. I wont let there be. But i cant know if there will be or not can i? I wont even let there be a chance of being a next time. All i have ever wanted was to have alot children but i am so scared now that i dont think i will ever lt myself have any more. I dont think that i could go through this again. I wouldnt be strong enough.

There has been many times that it has gotten to hard for me and i have thought about ending it all. All i keep telling myself that it is selfish of me to bow out because my pain is too much to handle when i would be leaving my family to not only have to deal with the loss of my boys but the loss of me too. I wish i could be selfish and not care about anyone but i cant. It is who i am, it is how i was raised. In a small way i am happy for that. I love my boys too much to quit.

MUMMY LOVES YOU ELI AND JETT. XOXOOXOX.